Focus

My focus has been absolute shit recently and I need to regain control, I'm hoping writing now before work will help me. I haven't cried yet since I sent Him that last text about no need to reschedule. I keep waiting to fall apart a little bit... it's been four years of holding on to this idea of a someday with Him and I'm finally really trying to let go. I know what I want out of a relationship, and that situation isn't fucking it. I accepted the bare fucking minimum from Him and why? I know I thought it was temporary, I know I thought it was worth waiting through the hard to get to the other side, where he would have room for me. He may be the most compatible person I've been with so far, but that doesn't make him the last one.  I wonder if he's surprised by me bailing and not wanting to see him... I'm definitely surprising myself. I checked the stats of my blog to him this morning and unless someone else reads it... he has checked it what looks like every day since I sent that text. God I wish I had an option to know what was going on in his head like he has had with mine. Part of me is kinda annoyed I finally decided to use my fucking brain before we fucked again... but honestly what good would that have been. What good could come from being reminded how easy it is to be with him. I want friendship, passion, and commitment. It's like I said years ago, those three main realms, physical, emotional, and intellectual. I know we have all three but he has to want it too and there's nothing I can do to make him. I don't have any desire to go back to that place of not feeling like a enough. All I've ever wanted was to be loved for being me and to love them back freely. I hope I don't have to wait too much longer for that person to show up. I'm tired. Just all of me is tired to my core.