Distracted

I haven't been focused at work ALL week so far and it's a fucking problem. Over the weekend the Jew told me he wanted to date with the intention of things becoming a relationship and I told him that I had asked for space from my  FWB aka Him...I also ended up asking the Jew if he wanted to be my plus one to my college friend's wedding in May. It's the first time I'm bringing a date in 5 years... I'm excited about it, I really am, and I really like hanging out with him, but how much of this is just a distraction?

I can't decide how much time I'm supposed to take away from Him before I try being his friend. I'm already starting to have thoughts of what's the point of being friends, are we even friends? So much of our interactions lately were sexual in nature... remove that, what's left? I've been having thoughts of lust isn't love, and maybe that's all it ever was. Thoughts of, someone loving you, but not enough to be with you, isn't anything special at all so why do you want that person in your life? I feel lighter than I have in months, I really do, but I am also sad at the idea of him not being in my life.  I really don't know if I want or can manage to be a platonic friend to Him, but I guess I should at least try, like I told him I would. I feel myself diminishing everything that we ever were and I don't know why... I don't know if it's my defense mechanism to help me let go of this someday I've wanted so badly nearly 5 years now. There's thoughts telling me he doesn't even care that we're not talking right now... that he never wanted anything other than sex anyways. But then at the same time I find myself reading through old emails. I read one I sent him in December of 2014... I actually don't even know if he ever got it or if it was after he finally blocked me... there's so much I don't know about from his side of this that has happened over the years.

While living out in San Diego my best friend out there introduced me to the world of numerology, I mostly thought it was crap especially when I have a twin brother some of our shit is the same and we're SO different... but I did find it interesting, and I do see number patterns ALL the time. Last summer when I was still missing Him something awful I started seeing 11:11 EVERYWHERE. And then in my facebook feed the page titled twin flames 11:11 started popping up, so eventually I clicked and began the rabbit hole of twin flames. There's a lot in that community that resonates... there's a lot of me that thinks He is my twin flame, but that's also tied into this spiritual community that believes in source energy and reincarnation and all these things that resonate with me, but also make me feel crazy.

The other day, actually the day that pushed me to talk to Him about whether or not he could at least be open to the possibilities, I had noticed that this blog was being read, and I initially thought it was Him reading it and it put me in such a panic. But then I noticed the location was Portugal. And then a few days later another video of Christina Lopes popped up in my YouTube recommended, I had watched some of her older videos over the summer about twin flames, but she had put new ones up, which I finally watched yesterday because I putzed around on her site over the weekend and learned she has a clinical background and now lives in Portugal which all just felt like a fucking sign.  If someone with her background has experienced the Twin Flame connection and is all into this higher self stuff and source stuff... maybe I'm not so crazy for thinking it's real... and when she mentioned the woman who runs the twin flames 11:11 blog as one of her trusted teachers it hit me hard.

So if it's real, and He's my Twin Flame, but I'm so tired of waiting, so tired of His actions making me feel like I am not enough, is it so wrong to have some happiness with the Jew, even if it may not turn into a lasting relationship? Is that unfair to him? Will I just hurt him? Do I just need to end it and continue figuring my shit out on my own? I don't know... I feel lost and distracted and I can't really afford to be so fucking distracted right now. 

My choice

The day after my last post I ended up telling Him just having fun wasn't enough for me and that if he couldn't even open the door to the possibilities, that I need to just be friends and to do that, I need some space first. I miss Him a lot already...I definitely did let Him become my person again. But I don't feel as sad and I'm sure it's because this time it's my choice... This time I'm trying to walk away from it because it's not what I want. All of a sudden it feels so fucking dumb that I've been giving Him relationship benefits without being in a relationship. Things with the Jew are progressing and I'm excited to see where it goes. I already feel so much lighter, closer to how I felt over the summer when I was on my adventure trip. I feel like I spend enough time away from Him and I eventually get back to a place of higher vibrations, just happy with my life. Every time He has popped back in the last two years he brings me down into this place of limbo and it really sucks there. I don't like the way it makes me feel about myself, I don't like the way it eventually causes me to be so distracted from my life that I start to lose motivation. I haven't felt present in my life for months now, I could only ever be present while I was with Him and that sure as shit isn't healthy.

I'm really going to try this time to be friends, I have no idea how that will go... I'm really skeptical if I can be in his presence and not want to touch Him...I'm trying to give myself some space from Him to decompress from the disappointment and allow myself to focus on what's happening with the Jew. Maybe in a few weeks I'll reach out and test the waters. Feels so ridiculous to be fighting with myself every time I want to talk to Him... I've lost track how many times I've opened our Gchat thread, typed something or screenshotted something to send Him and then didn't. I want to break these habits... I can't give Him all that energy anymore.

I'm sad for sure...and have cried a lot this week, but I feel good about this choice. We get what we accept and I know I want more. I tried to be ok with a FWB situation, but I have always known that would never be what I wanted. I know we love each other, but I need more than that, I want a partner and I wished so badly for it to be Him, but no wishing of mine will ever make Him want to try again. He's the only one who can get himself to that point, and maybe if we're lucky that Someday will happen, but I'm tired of feeling so alone. I'd much prefer to give my time and energy to someone who wants it.

I want more...

I've been thinking a lot about why I was going to go through with a night at PGC with Him, a guy I've met once, and P2, a girl I barely know and most likely partake in group sex even though the idea of seeing Him be intimate with someone else was giving me anxiety. I was definitely fearful that seeing that would hurt me and I wasn't sure how it would impact how I feel about Him. But then part of me was like well it's good we're nothing real, if it cuts me deeply then perhaps finally I can be free of this, and perhaps it's better to experience this sort of thing where a relationship with potential for a future together isn't at stake. I guess my line of thought was either I really enjoy it and it's just one more fun memory with Him, I hate it and can't follow through and I can just leave, or I follow through but it's harder than I thought, the images are burned in my brain and my feelings are irrevocably changed, but then I'll also be free.

Even after He bailed, I considered going because I thought hey get this group thing checked off with people I don't have feelings for, awesome. But I cancelled to study and I think maybe I was also motivated to cancel by the fact that this frisbee dudes birthday is today and part of me feels it's a douchebag thing to have group sex without him especially if we eventually date. I guess I need to give him a name at this point... he says Oy Vey super frequently...may be insensitive, but let's call him the Jew. He asked me to think about committing to being each other's primary partners, since he knows about Him... I'm seeing him Sunday and I know we're going to talk about what that means and I'm afraid what it'll mean for me and Him. Maybe part of why I was still game for tonight was cuz I'm afraid I'm running out of time with Him...

It has been so nice to have him back in my life, and to chat everyday and to have seen him weekly for two months now. He keeps saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship and yet there's lots of elements of a relationship...but it's not the same as it once was. He has used the phrase "dead end" so much I think I have internalized it, and so now things have started to feel like a waste of my time and it's making me sad. I never wanted to give up on us but more and more it feels like there isn't another option. I love spending time with Him... So many of my happiest moments are with Him and our love used to feel so special,  but now He apologizes for being "dead inside"... What does that mean to him? Does he not feel anything when we're together?  I miss knowing there was a mutuality to us... I miss stupid shit like Him calling me gorgeous girl, or just even acknowledging I look nice... I literally can't remember the last time he complimented me outside of dirty  talk. It feels so one sided now, and there is nothing special about that.

Nearly two years ago...it was very easy to accept not feeling like he was all the way in it with me because of his circumstances, like I could always easily say if things were different, he'd be all in, he'd be choosing me right back. That line of thinking feels so childish now... I'm not sure if at any point in our torrid history He has ever actually chosen me back the way I chose him, the way I decided he was worth it. When He has stayed so stagnant in his life, it doesn't feel circumstantial anymore, it just feels like him not making a choice. I just wanted a shot at finding out if we were actually good for each other the way I've always been able to see so easily...I really would be ok with continuing to see each other and spend time together in secret until I felt like we really could have something real and worthwhile and then I'd have the desire to bring him into my life and would want to be brought into his. But that doesn't feel like it's even on the table.

Even though at this point I don't want kids which makes getting married seem stupid, and truly believe I may be happy continuing to live alone, I still ultimately want a partner to share my life with. If there's not a chance for that person to be Him, then what the fuck is the point anymore...the extra memories were nice... But I hate feeling stagnant and maybe with the Jew I've got a shot at finding that partner...or at least it will help me let go of Him by really trying with someone else. Maybe being reminded of what it's like when someone is in it with you will help me not want to settle for the situation He is offering me.

The most selfish thing I've ever done

I've wanted to apologize to his wife for years now... I think when things started up again I hoped eventually I'd get the chance to do it in person even though that'd be scary af... but as I feel myself closing myself off from him and wanting to give things a real try with this frisbee guy... maybe I should write her a letter like I've contemplated.... but it's probably best to try and workout all the things I want to say first... so here goes:

Dear *Wife*,

I hope you'll read this with an open mind... I know I'm probably the last person on earth you'd ever want to hear from and I hope this isn't selfish of me reaching out to you.  Even though the things I've done that have caused you pain in your life are of the unforgivable variety, you still very much deserve an apology. One I've wanted to give for years but never knew how...and then I hoped that maybe I'd get the chance to do so in person, even though that'd be scary as fuck to do... still the right thing to do. But as more time passes the chances of that are feeling slim. 

We don't know each other at all and yet I know we both have made countless assumptions about one another over the years. All I do know is that if I could, if I could go back to 25 year old me and shake some fucking sense into her, to make her see that even though my life was chaos, it was so unfair of me to bring a whirlwind of pain into someone else's life, oh I would do it in a heart beat. The pain my actions caused you, is the very same I witnessed my mother endure in my own childhood. I still don't know how I was capable... how I blatantly succumbed to my own desires regardless of consequence. I didn't really think about you at all, all those years ago, but I wish I had, maybe I wouldn't have done the most selfish thing I've ever done if I had. But oh how much I've thought of you since then. When it all first imploded, I wanted to be you, I wanted your life with him, I don't think I've ever felt jealously like that before or since... I've never been a jealous or possessive person, it's a feeling I don't much enjoy. 

To this day, my father has never apologized to my mother for cheating on her, and then married that woman, making life quite the battle. I didn't have a meal with my mother and father until I was 28 years old... it took me getting a god damn masters. I admire the fuck out of you for how hard you tried to keep your family together. Even though I was jealous, I was rooting for you guys, I would never wish my childhood on anyone else. I just need you to know that what happened, you never deserved it, you never did anything to "cause it", and perhaps now after being unfaithful yourself you can understand how little it actually has to do with what your partner did or didn't do...Sometimes you just need something different to feel "the more" and different does not mean better or worse, it's just different, whatever form that may take. 

I hope you know how much that man loves you, and cares about you, and your well being, and your girls. He has his faults, as all of us do, but he's a good one, you weren't wrong about that. When he popped back into my life two years ago we spent a lot of our time talking about you and your girls and how could he make sure that everyone was happy. He may not always be the best at outwardly expressing how he feels, but he's always thinking about you all, and trying his hardest to ensure you have the life you deserve.  I know he really tried to make things right, and was devastated that it wasn't enough.

When it all started I was drowning in my life after leaving an emotionally abusive alcoholic... and it honestly started with a good friend, just trying to be there for me. He didn't pursue me, the crossing of lines was very much a me thing, something I wish I could undo. He gave me a bubble of happy when everything else was so wrong, I'm not sure I would have come out of all that the person I am now without his support during that, it's confusing to be grateful for something that caused such damage.  

I am deeply sorry my existence has been the root of so much pain in your life, if there was a way to make it right, I hope you believe me when I say I would do anything to make that so. And I'm even more sorry that if for any moment, because of my actions, you ever felt like you were not enough, because no one deserves to feel that way. I hope you find peace in all of this mess, and find your way to a happy life, either with him or someone else, that is filled with love because everyone deserves that.

Why is writing easier...

Yesterday literally marked a week from the last time I saw Him, so how can things feel so drastically different in a week? What has happened to cause this? I feel like it started Saturday night when I asked him who he was getting drinks with and he didn't tell me... and then even though we talked about maybe making time to see each other on Sunday, I didn't hear from him until late in the day. Which made me wonder what did he do Saturday night... did he finally sleep with someone else? I really don't think that bothers me, I just don't like wondering...I could have reached out, but I was in the mindset of if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen, and I don't want to see him if he doesn't want to see me so there's no point in my reaching out. But maybe I was also feeling a little weird about the fact that I'd started the day with another dude's dick in my mouth...

Idk after I didn't get an honest answer about what he was doing when honesty has always been our thing I started hard core flirting with one of the guys on the trip that I had met once before. I wanted the distraction. But then something happened, we actually connected, and it was really nice, and we fooled around but he asked to take things slow...so we didn't sleep together, but slept together and it made me realize it's been a very long time since I woke up next to someone.  Last night he said he's never started a relationship with sex and had it be healthy so he's apparently already considering that things could progress down that route.  We have plans tonight, and we're going to see each other on Friday and then he's traveling for two weeks but already wants to set up plans for when he comes back. Am I focusing on the negative of everything with Him because I need to create distance to be able to try with this new guy?

Why does everything with Him all of a sudden feel meaningless when literally a week ago it didn't...?  I think that convo about traveling with a significant other after he talked about his family trip to Texas has been bouncing around in my head. It made me so clearly feel how much I want someone to travel with... not always, I fucking love my solo adventure trips... but I just don't want to always be alone anymore. Things were hard last fall, but it always felt worth it because I always thought we were building towards our someday, holding out for when things would be better and easier once the dust had settled from his own divorce. Even if things didn't work out, that time always felt like it was worth it because that risk, of it not working out, I mean that's inherent to dating, and I just always felt it in my bones that He was always worth that risk. But now... there's nothing we're working towards, nothing I'm holding out for... I guess I've just been trying to milk the situation for as many memories with Him I could get, but now that there's another "option" someone who does seem to want what I want out of a relationship, it's making things with Him feel like a waste of time.  I know I'm not getting what I truly want out of this situation with Him...but I was genuinely excited to go to pleasure garden with him, and then having fun with P2 and eventually going to her party...so why do I currently feel like I don't want to do any of those things anymore? Well... I don't want to do them with Him feels more accurate. I was sad and in a low yesterday when I wrote, but was I right... have I fallen out of love with him? Have things just become familiar and that's all that it is? I told him during that chat when I was trying to end things to give BDG a chance that he makes it hard for me to believe that he loves me, and he got upset at that, but honestly what has he done in the last year that would lead me to believe that he does?

I wrote last night, I'm writing right now, I obviously need to talk to Him, but I don't even know what to say. I don't want to make him feel bad for not giving me what I need... that's never my intention, but I still need to be honest that I currently don't want to do this anymore and that I'm not sure with where he's currently at, my feelings about that can be changed. 

It Isn't Love Anymore

I don't fully understand what I'm feeling but I think I'm falling out of love with Him. Everything dies if you don't feed it...I guess this was eventually bound to happen? Or does it have more to do with the fact that I'm tired of waiting, and I just want my right now to be what I want and I already know that he can't offer that? Idk I just have been thinking about how I very much do want a partner, someone to share my life with and to travel with and to grow with... have a future with. For the last two months I just keep saying "he's a FWB with no future" and maybe I finally believe that there really isn't a future someday to hold out for, that this is it, this is all it'll ever be, and while I know I love him, and love our time together, it's mostly a relationship that makes me feel lonely, and what is the point of being in a relationship like that? Maybe all this time I've always believed the man who really loved me all those years ago was who he really is, but I haven't seen much of that man in two years now... so perhaps who he is right now is Him, and honestly I don't feel the same way about this man...

I once thought the world of Him, and I still see a lot of the things I admire about Him, how much he loves his girls, and his dog, and how thoughtful he can be like his gift to his wife and how he's always trying to do the right thing, but I think I nailed it back in May. He is the good man that I know him to be, he just isn't a good man to me, at least not anymore, and I really don't feel good about the odds of that ever changing. I guess I thought I could love him enough to bring him back to me, but how can you bring someone back who doesn't want to come back? All I know is that whatever this once was... it doesn't feel like that anymore, I don't feel loved, it doesn't matter that he has said it... and the times that he has said it recently, it always seems to be when I'm trying to pull away, trying to finally accept that this isn't love anymore.

Right now I don't really want to see Him...but I want to hold out for our plans to go to pleasure garden cuz I do think we'd have a lot of fun there, but I'm worried I won't be able to get out of the current mindset I've found myself in. It all just feels meaningless all of a sudden.  I feel like initially, when things became a regular occurrence, even though I knew what was happening didn't really mean anything, that things were not going to progress, it still felt worthwhile to get more time with Him. There were so many days that I wanted to have with Him, so many memories I wanted to make, and I knew that most of them would never happen but maybe I could get some of them, and that would be worth it. But I wanted those memories with someone that I love and who loves me too and I don't think that's what this is... When I used to think of Him all I could ever see was how much fun we would have, how even when it would be hard, we would still be laughing. I don't see anything anymore....god just typing that is making me fucking sob. I don't want this anymore. This doesn't make my heart feel good at all. I think I missed him so much that initially I was just grateful, but now I just have no desire to entertain things in my life that don't make it better. I've worked so hard to escape what I had previously subjected myself to and I don't ever want to feel like I'm in limbo again.

I think maybe after the night we have planned with P2 that'll be it. I'm just breaking my own heart trying to keep Him in my life.

Just a look

I really fucking hope this is our last late game... I'm wide awake and it's just after 1. I really do want to stick to this bedtime of 11... I don't really know what I want right now. I was so over everything by the end of last weekend, I really didn't want to see Him and that was such a bizarre feeling. I kinda thought he was just gonna let things be over but instead he asked what I need and told me he wasn't going to just disappear again. He ended up coming over the next morning and getting time with Him made everything better, I felt so good the rest of that day aside from being exhausted. I remember falling asleep happy and feeling loved by him for the first time in a year. It was nice. But then a conversation went sideways on Friday right before we were meeting up with this girl that I guess I'll call the Party Planner? Too many syllables...P2 will do. But yeah He basically made it clear this is nothing more than FWB for him where I very much was operating from the belief of it being closer to an open relationship. It kinda crushed me but I did my best to put that all aside to enjoy meeting P2. But once I got home I let myself fall apart and ended up crying myself to sleep all while trying to nonchalantly reply to His infrequent messages. We were supposed to meet another couple this past Saturday but I so wasn't feeling it when I woke up... Waited an hour and when I still had no desire I cancelled. I wasn't sure if He would still want to hang out but he was game and we ended up having a really nice night.

But he's right...all this time together has zapped my desire to date and meet other people and I told Him as much today and said that we need to stop seeing each other so frequently if FWB is all it is. It's so frustrating for him to tell me that all he wants is for me to be happy and yet what would make the happiest would be the opportunity to actually try at being together. He's still super cynical about relationships in general but also believes he's a dead end for me. I don't think He understands just how fucking pointless interacting with other men feels to me.  So many times I've let his fears and actions cause me to believe what we have isn't the beautifully rare and deeply real connection that it is.  I know it's dramatic, but I'd be lying to say there isn't a part of me that believes either I get to love and be with Him, otherwise it'll be no one. It's been years and I cannot find a way to let go of him enough to actually be with someone else. Anyone I've tried to actually date always felt it...always sensed that not all of my heart was available. I tried to explain to Him why he's worth waiting for but I'm sure he just dismissed me.

I thought a lot about what have been the major differences across the years in how we both have had to deal with "us". I just want to understand how the man that loved me so wholly 4.5 years ago could also be the one who doesn't give a fuck if he loses me. He told me when he first reached out March of 2017 that he had tried to hate me to get over me...I guess I tried that as well but never even came close, but then realized that when I finally decided to let go fall of 2016 I accepted that I loved Him, that I would have given anything to have seen us through, but that would never be my reality because he was happy, and that's all that really mattered. So I did my best to pretend he didn't exist cuz that was the only way I could maybe love another.

For Him though, his choice to save his marriage meant he wasn't allowed to love me. And when I think about when he reached out that March, and again at the end of that summer, those were times where he was either hurt and mad enough, or had created enough space from his Wife to no longer care about being allowed or not allowed to love me. He wonders why he doesn't feel the way he did and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he spent years conditioning himself to ignore his feelings for me, and then got really fucking hurt in his marriage so he's got walls up from that as well. Until he gets to a place where he no longer cares about what his wife thinks or the consequences of engaging in things that'll piss her off, I think there will always be a tinge of this feeling of it not being allowed thus always keeping me at arm's length.

When everything started neither of us was looking for love, he just wanted to help me, and I was just grateful and we both were just open, neither had their guard up, cuz there was no reason to back then, and so I think that's part of why we fell the way we did. Now there's all sorts of reasons for each of us to close off parts of ourselves from each other...reasons due to our history, and reasons due to our traumas from others. But I think why I'm continually more open, while my personality is a large part, is because I never really did close off myself from the love I have for him. But it seems that's exactly what he wants me to do, but I wonder if he's really gonna be ok when that happens. I know he loves the way I look at Him, but just like my First and my Sailor learned, that look is for the person I'm in love with. While I still have love for them, and I know I will always have love  for Him, they both commented at some point that I don't look at them the same way that I used to, and I wonder will he notice that too.

How Ironic

I knew it would be harder when there were no set plans... I saw Him briefly last night but he didn't end up coming over and I definitely was disappointed, but he was quick to message me to apologize and suggest dirty texting later, and we ended up at least getting to chat on the phone which was nice. Found out he's been on a few dates, and it definitely hurt, but not as much as I thought it would, perhaps I am doing a good job putting him into this box of not a real option for me. A place where I'm accepting there's no future, he will never be what I hoped him to be. It makes me kinda sad to think about it that way, but what else is there to do. I feel myself detaching, slowly but surely and I already know how much I don't enjoy meaningless sex and it feels like that's where this is headed. I mean it's what I think I was after when I decided to engage in this, for Him to become just another dude in the mix and get to this place where I can write him off like the rest because they can't offer what I want. It was funny to hear Him talk about it being a waste of time when things won't work out regarding how boring this girl is, perhaps he can more fully understand my frustrations with him and whatever the fuck we've been doing these past four years. Also was reminded of conversations with Density when he would talk about what he was looking for and he'd basically describe me and internally I'd be like are you fucking dumb, I'm right fucking here and you know I'm open to exploring something between us... but now I'm in this place with Density where I can see he does have a lot of the things I'm looking for, I wasn't wrong about the potential and compatibility I saw, but HOLY SHIT is he needy in a relationship, he needs a lot of time with his person and a lot of communication, and I am far too independent for that and I guess he always sensed that and that's why he never made a move. I mean kudos to him, we have a great friendship that I cherish.

I mean I know I need quality time with people to continue feeling connected, and I need more communication when I don't feel secure in something... but idk, when I'm settled in a situation I can be so laid back and hands off.  Perhaps He and I can actually find ourselves in friendship especially when I no longer feel that physical pull to him because I'll have someone that I care about, who also cares about me to meet those needs, and it just really always is better when there's that emotional and intellectual connection on top of the physical. I guess He and I will always have the physical, but the intellectual isn't where it used to be cuz I think throughout this nonsense I've lost respect and trust for him, I know that I mean the things I say, and I do the things I say I will, but there's never been a lot of follow through with him on anything. I realized today that right about now is when we first met each other 7 years ago, which means I've now known him longer than I knew my Sailor. What a weird truth.... but yea I can feel the emotional connection severely weakening cuz even though I really don't think intense love ever dies, I think it really does lessen when you stop feeding it and he hasn't done anything in a long time now that has made me feel loved. Like he said that he does a few times across the conversations we've had these past few months, but honestly His words no longer mean much of anything to me.  I kinda figured this would persist until I got physically involved with someone new, and maybe that is still how it will play out, but I feel myself putting up walls...Monday was rough finding out about a dear childhood friend's father passing, and I'm going to the viewing tonight, and it's gonna be sad as fuck... but yea that's the sort of thing I would normally want to talk about with my person and I think I wouldn't have minded sharing my feelings about with Him, cuz I did last night, but I didn't feel the urge to share like I normally would have... I said it without really thinking last night that all the things I want to explore, and at the time I was referencing sexual escapades, but I mean it for life in general, I'm going to do them with or without Him, and I guess feeling how true that is has me in this head space of does He bring more good than bad to my life? And the fact that I'm having a hard time believing he's worth my energy when I know I used to be able to say without hesitation that the complicatedness of Him was always worth it, is a big fucking deal. How ironic that how things are with Him right now seem to finally be what he wants but it's making me no longer want him.

Surrender

I haven't had the need to write as much lately, which means I'm not as sad, which hey that's always good news and progress, I guess right now I just have a lot going on in my head that I need to do a brain dump. First off, NYE with BDG was a confusing night for me... it was a really nice time, but He wished me a happy new years almost right away and when I noticed it, it felt like it would be wrong of me to reply...so I initially didn't and figured I'd say something the next day, but then while BDG was out walking his dog and smoking, I did text him and then called Burdman. Was still on the phone when he came back and he definitely overheard some of our banter and me talking about dating sites and what not and then was kinda weirded out by me having such a close guy friend and I was like I have a few close guy friends, I play sports and am an engineer... but yea the next day I felt conflicted about how it felt wrong to hear from Him while with BDG and just had no desire to feel like I did when I was still involved with Apricot while also emotionally involved with Him last fall. So I basically attempted to end whatever it is that we've been doing but then for once he actually told me how he was feeling. We had some really good and productive conversations the next few days and I just knew I didn't want it to be over again just yet and I still hadn't made up my mind about BDG anyways so we kinda left it that we can continue things for as long as they don't feel wrong to me and that I'd let him know. But then I stopped putting any effort into things with BDG and at this point we haven't talked in a week and I don't even care...I mean I guess that just means I'm not interested enough to try? Can I truly believe that if I do meet someone I like and see potential with, I will go after it and say goodbye to Him?

I guess I'm struggling with deciding what is it that I need to be doing right now to set myself up for what I ultimately want, but I'm not sure I fully know what it is that I want. I'm still feeling strongly about not wanting kids, it just feels like to move forward with that, I need to want it so much more than I do...thinking about the realities of it just feels irresponsible to me with how much school debt I have and all the plans I have to travel. And with that thought process what point would there be to getting married again? I'm financially independent have my own health care, and make enough that filing jointly doesn't typically help me, so like why go through all that again? I came across some of my wedding photos today and while that day was such a nice day, it was so much work to get to that day, so much that I did alone, and I guess it wouldn't necessarily be like that again, but all of that feels like such a fucking waste of money to me... the rings, the dress, the flowers, all that shit... I'd so much rather put that kind of money towards my debt and travel. I don't even know if I ever want to live with someone again...so many of people's arguments come from financial shit and the responsibilities around the house and just the annoyance that comes with spending too much time with ANYONE no matter how much you like them or how compatible you are... Like having kids it makes a ton of sense to live together, like it's fucking hard doing that alone, but if I don't want that life anymore, why open myself up to those kinds of arguments? So no living with someone, no marriage, no kids, what does that really mean I'm looking for? Simply put I just want someone to love who doesn't make me question if they love me too, a situation where I don't have to hold back, where I'm not betting with myself how long will this round last, where I know it's not foolish of me to think about the future. Will I be able to be open to something like that developing if I'm still engaging with Him? That's what I'm struggling with determining right now...but it's also like if what we're doing right now is enough for me, what's wrong with that?

Like I guess it's not the greatest to have to lie about it, but it feels different this time...I don't feel shame around lying because I think I want it to be a secret as much as He does. My circle is so fucking tired of this story and I don't blame them honestly, and when I know it's just going to end again there is zero fucking point to cluing anyone in on it. I asked my therapist if she thought it was bad that I wasn't telling anyone in my life about it and she was like why do you think it would be? And I was like I'm definitely not in the habit of keeping this kind of a thing to myself, and I pride myself on being open and honest, and she was like you are open and honest but that doesn't mean you can't have private things in your life. I thought a lot about how my levels of openness have changed over time, and I think part of it had been a reaction to what happened in my marriage. I was not very open and honest with my circle about the inner workings of my relationship with my Sailor, and when my circle came out to visit us in Cali every single one of them made a comment along the lines of I don't like the way he treats you... that endeavor caused me a lot of pain and I guess at the end of it I didn't trust my own judgement, and when things imploded with Him the first time and he convinced me it had never been real, that just reinforced the belief I couldn't trust myself. So I think since then I've been so open because I've been relying on other people's input to make decisions, but I don't really feel that way anymore... Now, I know that my gut has ALWAYS been right, I just needed practice trusting it. Talking to Him, spending time with him, never feels wrong to me. Why does something have to have an end goal for it to be worth it? I don't think I believe that it does...but I know being able to talk to Him, and seeing him, totally zapped my motivation to date but I'm still attempting to be open to it...I have a date with a guy from softball next weekend and I'm still chatting with that Woman. There's a few other dudes that I know I would be following up with and perhaps I should force myself to, but the rest of me is like if I have to force myself then is it really what I want? Is it worth it? But I really just don't want to allow myself to get to a place where I'm gonna be fucking devastated when things end again with Him... which I don't really know how to do that, but trying not to have any expectations has been my main focus, but it's hard to juggle that some times when I know I want to see Him and want to feel like he wants to see me too. Probably part of why I feel the need to write right now is I know I'll see him next week for a happy hour... but I don't know the next time we'll have time together and I don't know why not knowing if there will be a next time gets me so off kilter. I guess it's really hard for me to trust and believe that things won't just change over night, because that is always how it has felt in the past...just all of a sudden we apparently weren't on the same page at all and I always felt like a stupid idiot. I don't want to be worried about the "next time" because what it has been, feels right, and I'm happy with it, and I am totally ok with it being a secret, but I know what I ultimately want is someone to share my life with, and you can't really do that with someone who doesn't actually exist in your "real world". Right now I'm trying my best to foster a mindset that will allow me to keep Him in my life when it reaches that point when it's no longer enough for me. I know I am a happier person when I can talk to Him, when I'm allowed to know how he is, and maybe I don't have to give that up, maybe I can find someone who will be understanding of my love for Him and be ok with me maintaining a friendship...

I have felt at war with myself since things ended last year, my heart fighting with my brain and I just don't want to feel that way anymore. The Woman told me about how she likes to set a one word intention for every year to help her focus and I've been thinking about that since I saw her on Monday. A word came to me while I was showering on Friday and I've been mulling it over since then and I think I'm pretty settled on "Surrender". It makes me think about how when you're swimming in the ocean and the waters get rough you can choose to fight the waves, try to stand your ground in the shallower waters where you can still touch the bottom, feeling more secure, or, you can go a little bit deeper where it's easier to just go under them and surrender to the current knowing that with effort you can eventually get yourself back to shore, and with all the energy you save by not trying to go through the damn waves, you should be just fine expelling that effort. Maybe if I just surrender to what is now, and stop worrying so much about the eventual, I can truly be in the happy that is now and happiness always seems to be contagious, perhaps just allowing things to play out and just readjusting to make sure things continue to feel right, is how you get to where you want to be.

To be seen...

Things with BDG have progressed quickly in the last week. We hung out one on one on Saturday and have plans for tonight. I'm excited and nervous. I'm finally going to be kissed into the New Year and I feel so conflicted about that... I think there was this part of me that felt like maybe I'd had such bad luck with that because He was supposed to be the one to get that "first"... Just a few weeks ago I thought huh maybe going into 2020 is when that will all finally happen and everything will be on it's way to working out how it's always been meant to work out. Right now though I feel the need to cancel our plans on the 11th, after Saturday night and learning more about BDG, and how the last relationship he was involved in ended with SERIOUS cheating, like she apparently was with seven other dudes and had two secret abortions... yikes... he needs exclusivity to continue moving forward and I want to continue moving forward. I spent the night on Saturday and we didn't sleep together, but definitely had fun and I'm super pumped to take that step with him, I definitely could tell we have the kind of chemistry that gets me addicted. A few weeks ago walking home from the Wine & Spirits looking up at the full moon I thought about something I read that said sometimes you just need to ask the universe as specifically as you can for what you want and I just started calling out all the things I love the most about the men I've loved in my life. I want the friendship and chemistry I have with Him, I want the devotion I had with my Sailor, I want the always laughing easy going-ness of how things were with First everything, I want the thoughtfulness and kindness that Density has always shown me, I want someone to call me out on my bullshit like Burdman does, I just want someone to share my life with and see this world with.

Saturday night fooling around in his bed after he decided we should slow things down he just looked down at me for a minute and then said "You're so beautiful" and all of sudden I felt seen the way He made me feel seen four years ago. I've had other men be smitten with me across the last four years, but I guess until now, I hadn't been mutually interested so that's why nothing ever felt like things did with Him, and perhaps that's why I've been so stuck, because I just hadn't lucked into mutuality again. I love this part of getting to know someone though, where they've already decided they're into who I am as a person and then they find out how much I love sex, they always react like I'm some sort of miracle. Sunday morning with his arms around me feeling so safe and comfortable, I wondered if the universe had delivered what I had asked for. I'm so scared I'm going to be wrong again, I'm so scared that by choosing to see this through, I have to finally give up on Him and what does that ultimately mean?

I don't feel the need to cut Him out entirely like I always believed I would need to do to move on, but I definitely don't think one on one time can maybe ever happen again... I just don't think that pull to Him will ever go away, but I'm so over his indifference...but perhaps I fucked myself over long ago by showing him he could give me nothing and still I would love him. Seeing Him on Christmas was so nice, but I felt myself holding back, especially when he was talking about the day he found out his parents were getting divorced... all I wanted to do was to tell him how much I loved Him and how sad I was for 12 year old him... It seemed like instead of being able to process the news with his sister, his immediate reaction pushed her away and I think it made him feel even more alone. I think I will always wish that He had let me in, but I knew a day would come where I would give up on wanting to be with Him because eventually I would just want someone to want me back... I just don't think I ever thought that change would happen as quickly as it is, but I guess I forgot the pull of mutuality especially when you can feel that it's not just a physical thing. Perhaps He was right, we were never built for a happy ending.