Tonight marks a week and I really can't believe He's ok with that being the last thing he says to me... But perhaps he's not, he's been checking the blog every day. Seems so ridiculous for two people to apparently be thinking about each other this much and not fucking talking to each other. I'm very tempted to write an entry but I promised I would stop and it feels important for my desire to actually let go, to keep that promise. I should probably make it private again, but idk there's something about knowing He cares enough to look.
I wish we had been lucky enough to actually get a shot at being together... I'm sure this "what if" will stay with me all my life, I just hope I figure out how to pack it away enough to still love another just as deeply.
There really was something so intoxicating about never questioning if I loved him, I just always knew. He has always felt right. I know solace can be found in knowing you did everything you could and I honestly believe there's nothing more I could have done to show how much I love him and that I was willing to work through anything to be able to share my life with him. What is now was not my choice, this is the consequence of Him giving up and I have nothing to feel sorry for, and yet I do. I can't help but wonder if I love him as much as I do, why can't I manage to be there for him during a rough time even though he doesn't want to be with me. And I think I was close to being able to manage that, but having that night together completely derailed that...I just can't manage to push off the negative thoughts about myself that always surface when I'm reminded of his rejection. I'm so happy while we're talking, and while he was here next to me on this couch, but then it stops, and so quickly it goes back to feeling like we're nothing and I can't figure out what I mean to him, where I stand with him, and it drives me crazy. Insecurity literally brings out the worst in everyone.
How many years did I spend sacrificing my own happiness for that of my Sailor's? And at least he was always all in with me, he actually loved me, albeit not well, but as best as he could. This man has given me no reason to believe he actually wishes me to continue trying and I've been such a fucking idiot telling myself otherwise. I just kept telling myself that he was too overwhelmed to even fully process everything, that of course he loves me, I couldn't feel what I feel if he didn't. That of course it got hard when he moved back in, how could it not? How could he not feel guilty about spending time with me when it would inherently feel like he was hurting his wife? They've been together a decade, even if he no longer wants to be married to her, doesn't mean he wanted or wants to hurt her. And how could he not partially dread every hangout knowing most likely it would result in her giving Him attitude and just making his every day life harder. And who could blame her, even when you know it's right to no longer be with someone, it still hurts to see them move on, and usually while you can know it's happening, you don't typically know exactly when they're hanging out with that new someone. I can't imagine how hard that would be...So I think it actually makes a lot of sense that things probably felt wrong, and that was the real danger of trying to be together when He was so far away from having room in his life for me. Very difficult to be all the way in on something new when you're still in the thick of something else...I guess it was dumb of me to be so sure that it would it get better and easier as he moved through the process, but I think it's dumb of him to believe all those uncomfortable feelings caused by his circumstances meant we were no longer right for each other. Love isn't finite and it's an emotion like the rest of them and it comes and goes in waves, staying is the choice. Makes me think about my twin with his first real love, after agreeing to having an open relationship to enjoy college and manage long distance he started to have feelings for another girl and thought that meant he no longer loved his gf and told her so and it crushed her and now ten years later he still fucking regrets it and hasn't even come close to loving someone at that level. I came across a collection of stories of people regretting ending things and this one in particular made me sob cuz I guess it's what I've told myself he feels.
I miss him so much and I worry all the time, I've said this phrase before but it feels accurate, it is so hard loving someone this much from so far away. I know the thought of actually moving out probably scares the shit out of Him, and I can't imagine what it's like to know you're choosing to give up on time with your children, but there's no moving forward with what they're doing right now. I hope he finds the courage soon to take that next real step and actually start his new life.
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