I can't fucking wait

Well apparently I made the blog He would sometimes read public again. I must have done it thinking it was this one, but that was like weeks ago...I like to read my latest post the next day, reading my own thoughts with fresh eyes always seems to put things in a different perspective and helps me make sense of it all. I guess my auto populate is still used to the other one cuz it brought up the stats page and holy moly he checked the page a whole bunch today. Perhaps he's surprised I've said nothing more to him... Perhaps he's surprised I immediately declined the invite to his happy hour next week when I got back from lunch. Like I said to Buddah, of course I'd like to see everyone but how exactly can I expect Him to take me seriously about not wanting him in my life at all if I don't take it seriously. Besides, I see the people I want to see.

I'm just so done feeling so fucking stuck and I know I will continue to feel this way until I let go. I was all in, I didn't give up, I meant everything I said to him, my words were not empty like his. But I am so done letting my heart and my sanity be at the mercy of some asshole who doesn't value me, because anyone who truly knows your worth, would never risk losing you.

I saw this quote earlier tonight and fuck did it make me cry and as I watched curb your enthusiasm all I could think was god damn I wish I could laugh about this with Him. But I have to believe as long as I keep making better choices, the hurt will subside and no longer feel so overbearing. There's another side to this and I'm going get to it one way or another. One day hopefully not too long from now I will wake up and he will no longer be the first thing I think of and I can't fucking wait.