Lost

I'm really not ok. I've spent the whole day in bed other than to feed the cat but not myself. There's a friendsgiving today and I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to get up and shower...I feel like it would be good for me to go...but I also feel like I don't deserve to. I caved and I wrote in that stupid blog to Him and now I'm waiting to see if when he sees it, will he reach out? And why do I want him to?

I also feel like I don't deserve to go cuz I promised myself I would do my PE stuff last night and I just didn't. Everything feels so hard right now. Sleep is preferred...and I've had way too many thoughts about how it'd be nice for it all to just be done. That yea people would be sad, but no one needs me other than Lady and my sister would love her. But I keep seeing that phrase I read a while ago, how suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it along to someone else...I really don't want anyone I love to feel any of the hopelessness I feel these days. I'm grateful it comes in bouts, that there are still moments where I see the happy admidst the shit but I can't see my future. I'm not used to that but I can't and it scares me. I've always had ideas, and plans, and things I'm looking forward to and idk my brain isn't working the way that it used to. It's so foggy, and slow, and dark.  There's all this talk about how you have to rely on yourself and you're in charge of your happiness and no one can save you, but what if right now I can't even find myself?

Everything is temporary, I know this too shall pass I just really hope it doesn't get much darker before it does.