Not Now

I'm doing better, but I'm still not me... I'm still struggling with procrastinating and focusing... here I am writing while at work. I still haven't finished my PE application and it's getting to the point where I might be putting myself in danger of not getting it all in on time and I don't understand why I would do this to myself. It's just easier to aimlessly scroll through the internet and cuddle with my cat and sleep... He and I had an exchange a week a go today...a worth while one, and then saw each other in person on Tuesday. He's exactly where I thought he was but I was choosing not to acknowledge it... in the headspace of not wanting to go from something serious, to something serious, of wanting to have his freedom, of wanting to date and see what's out there. I remember being in that place too and I know part of why I am so sure about Him now, is because of everything I went through while we were mostly dead to each other. It has made a difference to know that he still loves me, to know he sees our potential too, but he still doesn't want to be with me, at least not right now, and that's the frustrating part. We chatted briefly on hangouts on Thanksgiving and I really want to start the convo back up again, and I typed it out, and then deleted it. He needs to figure his life out, and what he wants, and that's not something I need be around for especially when it negatively impacts my self esteem. But it's hard when talking to him makes me happy. I don't think there's harm in talking to him, but I just feel like it would eventually lead us right back to what happened last fall. We tried to limit the amount we talked to each other, we only saw each other when I was visiting, we talked about how he was still a mess, and yet somehow we found ourselves dating. I don't want that to happen again before he's actually decided he wants to be with me because I sure as shit don't want to go through losing him again. I don't know how long it will take him to come back around, and he might not ever, so the sooner I really cut him out, the better off I will be. Cutting him out now doesn't mean I'm giving up on a someday, it just means I'm recognizing that our someday isn't now, and that I deserve to be happy right now and all he does is bring me pain. I think that maybe I really should try to date again and be open minded about it.

I took a risk last week and asked out a WOMAN. I've been following her blog for over a year after I found it when I was doing research on polyamorous relationships. She seems to love, love, as much as I do and I just feel drawn to her. We've been texting back and forth and should hopefully be meeting up this Thursday. All my interactions with her so far have made me giddy so I'm genuinely excited about it and trying not to overthink it. I hope putting myself out there with this, will help me to really step out of this depressive episode. I am so tired of being sad.