Losing my mind

I'm losing my god damn mind. I don't know if it was bad or good to have seen Him... I really don't. I don't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and just genuinely happy, but there were moments where I remembered it didn't mean anything, that it would all be over in a few hours, that it would all go back to nothing, and I cried a little, but I've always been good about being in the moment while with him and brought myself out of it, and mostly just enjoyed the time with Him.  But he's in my head now, in a way he wasn't before. I think I hoped it would feel a little bit wrong, that it would finally sink in that he no longer loves me, but that wasn't the vibe I got at all. There is something so real, and good between us and I just don't understand why he is fighting it. I think it's a great quality to be able to rationally think through things and not get caught up in your emotions, but thinking through your feelings is not the same as feeling them, and love is not rational and never will be, and sometimes the right thing, is to honor how you feel. I didn't want him to leave, I didn't want it to be the last time and said as much, and he said neither do I, and as I kissed him goodbye, internally I was shouting please feel how much I love you because I can't say it out loud because I know you won't say it back and it will brake me... but maybe I should have... And now here I am having these internal conversations with myself about do I want kids more than I want him? As if that's the only thing keeping us apart... when who knows how much of that is a convenient excuse for Him.

I have told no one about seeing Him, and that's new for me, I don't keep big things like that to myself anymore, not since I went through my divorce, but honestly it's this perfect night I don't want to be tainted by anyone telling me how fucking stupid I am for allowing it to happen. We didn't even end up going out downtown for dinner and I'm glad that we didn't, I just wanted as much time with him as possible. That's all I've ever wanted, is more time with him. I think "Time" may be the only commodity that genuinely matters in this life, and oh how we waste it. I have been struggling with focusing since he reached out at the end of August and it's a real fucking problem. I need to wrap up my PE shit, and I bring my laptop home every night to do it, and then I just collapse on the couch and fuck around on my phone, feed the cat, maybe feed myself, usually not, and then go to sleep. I think I'm more depressed than I thought. It's like my heart is so fucking sad it's making the rest of me sick. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to be so stuck on this, I want to be present and grateful for this life I've made for myself and hopefully sometime soon someone is gonna show up that'll make me easily see why no matter how much I love Him, our someday was never meant to be.