No rush

I really was making progress towards being in a headspace where I think He and I could have been on friendly terms, but seeing him... Feeling the way I feel about him in full force... Being able to touch him...I don't want to be that man's friend. I tried to not let my hopes get away from myself but I couldn't help myself and I guess I tried one last time to ask him to reconsider and ended the interaction with an email saying being dead to each other really is for the best for me and my sanity. All he said was "You're such a pain in the ass" and initially I was gonna respond with this stupid meme that said "if your girl don't go psycho on you every once in a while, she don't love you and your dick is trash" LOL

But then I thought about how that would basically mean I was apologizing for how I feel, apologizing for loving Him and wanting to be with him, instead of some fuck buddy situation. Apologizing for being honest that every time he interacts with me it fucking hurts me. And then he didn't say anything more and all I can think now is "damn, he's ok with that being the last thing he says to me, maybe I severely overestimated how much this man has ever cared about me".

While a lot of me has been sad as fuck this weekend, and let myself read through old text convos with Him and cried real hard, there's definitely another part that hopes this means it's finally done. I'm so tired and I'm so fucking tired of being wrong about people. I really thought by now I would be done with always waiting for what is next. When I think about the times in my life where I didn't want the moments to end, where I was so perfectly happy to be exactly where I was, most of those moments are with Him and I guess that's why I've tried so hard to hold on to him because I've spent my life searching for that feeling.

But I've also felt it during my adventure trips, so I firmly know I can create that feeling all on my own and I guess I just have to accept that even though I long for the phase of my life of being madly in love with the man I will build a life and a home and a family with, I am not in that phase yet. Fuck, I may never reach that phase in a traditional sense, but I do trust that just like I always have I will move my life in the direction I want it to be in and if I decide I need to have a baby of my own and no man ever materializes well then I'm sure I'll fucking figure it out.

Lately it has been hard to remember how fucking young I really am and how much time I have, but seriously I've most likely lived for only a third of my life so far, there's no rush.