Re-evaluation

I haven't written in a while now and that's probably because I've been able to talk to Him freely and the last time I had too many thoughts I actually got to talk to him on the phone. It was hard trying to explain myself live, but I think I got there and it honestly was so much better than the one sided conversations I would have with myself. We talked about is it really that bad that we're talking. I don't usually keep something like this a secret, but I guess I've realized that things with us tend to implode once others are involved. I never liked feeling like a secret but I realize now that had more to do with feeling like he wasn't proud to be with me and didn't want to incorporate me into his life, which more or less made me feel like I was more invested because I wanted to let him into every aspect of mine. It made me sad that most people would never know what we meant to each other, that there was no proof that there had been love, but I realize now that was really more tied up in how he made me feel crazy when we were dead to each other, made me feel like it hadn't been real and I never wanted to feel that way again, it really didn't have much to do with what other people thought or saw. I don't need anyone else to tell me that my love for him is real for it to be real.


I've been doing so much re-evaluation of my life the last couple of weeks cuz for once I really do like exactly where I'm at, I love my job, I love living alone, I started dating again and meeting all these people and getting to know them and watching them getting to know me it just makes me excited for the future. I've been realizing all these little judgements I made about myself and other people's lives and what "happiness" looked like and just how detrimental to my actual happiness that has all been. I saw blind date guy (BDG) again this past weekend and we had some really blunt and meaningful conversations and it was refreshing. I was sharing some of it with Him and he was kinda dubious if I actually meant any of what I said cuz basically I said I didn't want kids nor do I want to get married. I can understand why he wouldn't believe cuz yes that's definitely different from what I said I wanted just a few months ago, but idk that's kinda the beauty of living a free life, you can change your mind.

But it's not that simple though, cuz it doesn't really feel like I've changed my mind, it just feels like I understand more about what I've actually been after. I just want to love and be loved. The model of that though is often encased in marriage and children but I think what I've really internalized recently is that there are so many other paths. I've always known my twin wasn't going to live a conventional life so I think somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to. And I think always loving babies and being so good with them, and always hearing you'll be a great mother, somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to be one. I think there will always be a part of me that will have the curiosity of what it means to create new life, but I think there's supposed to be more than a curiosity to actually have a fucking baby. When I think about the reality of those things, what comes with all of that, none of it actually seems appealing, none of it feels like it's going to bring to my life what I'm looking for. I don't want to be controlled, I don't want to always have to put a kid ahead of me, I've spent my life putting others ahead of myself and I frankly don't want to anymore. I want to travel and see this world, I want to keep going to concerts and having fun spontaneous experiences, I want to keep having variety in life. Settling down into a routine, same shit day in day out is never what would make me happy, I would fucking suffocate. I think engagement rings and weddings are a fucking waste of money, I'd much rather use that for my student loans haha I think people forcing cohabitation is what leads to most conflicts, about responsibility for cleaning and financial shit and resulting in not getting alone time. Like right now I don't think I even like the idea of moving in with someone else ever again. I don't even know if I need monogamy any more, I've never been a possessive person, and I truly believe love is limitless.

All I ever wanted was someone to share my life with that wouldn't try to change me, or control me, that would listen and be there for me and would let me do the same for them and I would never have to question if I was important to them. I've been excited to see Him on Christmas, it's been rough waiting this long, but since seeing BDG I feel differently and I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps I'm already making room for this guy and truly want to see where it could lead and I'm starting to fear I'm going to do to him what I did to Apricot. At least in this case I do see potential with him, he is a lot like Him but there's no baggage of kids and an ex wife, nor years of hurt that he's caused me. Perhaps Burdman was right when he said "no good will ever come from Him" but maybe even if I don't think I need monogamy, I may never be truly comfortable with the idea having to choose someone over another and potentially hurting someone I love because I've been forced to do that all my life with my parents and it's a painful existence...always knowing that you've disappointed someone. For now I'm gonna operate the way I have before when actively dating, I'm not going to assume exclusivity from them nor be exclusive myself until that conversation is had with whomever I decide is worth that.