No good...

I want to get to bed but feel the need to quickly write. I finally saw Coco tonight. It was lovely, it made me cry hard. I kept thinking about Him watching this with his girls and knowing why he enjoyed it. Something snapped though as I sat there on my couch crying by myself with the cat on my lap wishing I could talk to Him. I'm just done with the sadness of this. If he doesn't know by now that he wants me like I want Him, he's never going to. I can't keep living with this "someday" floating out there, I will never be able to be fully present in my now if I do. I wanted a life with Him so fucking badly, I really don't think I've ever wanted anything more. But for whatever reason it's just not in the cards in this life. So I blocked him on Facebook, I blocked him on Hangouts, I blocked him on my email and he's still blocked on my phone. It feels good to know I won't see his name randomly pop up anymore. I will do my best to avoid any social activities that he could be at and hopefully by god I will leave this man in the past for once and for all. May 2019 be the year where I finally stop wishing for what is next. Part of me still has no desire to let go, I'm still very much in love with Him and I just hope if I keep focusing on the fact that I shouldn't want someone who is not afraid to lose me, my heart will start to accept what my brain has maybe always known, this man brings me nothing but misery. There is someone out there who will never take me for granted and will want all the things I want out of this life. Please hurry up and get here. I'm no good at this patience thing.