The most selfish thing I've ever done

I've wanted to apologize to his wife for years now... I think when things started up again I hoped eventually I'd get the chance to do it in person even though that'd be scary af... but as I feel myself closing myself off from him and wanting to give things a real try with this frisbee guy... maybe I should write her a letter like I've contemplated.... but it's probably best to try and workout all the things I want to say first... so here goes:

Dear *Wife*,

I hope you'll read this with an open mind... I know I'm probably the last person on earth you'd ever want to hear from and I hope this isn't selfish of me reaching out to you.  Even though the things I've done that have caused you pain in your life are of the unforgivable variety, you still very much deserve an apology. One I've wanted to give for years but never knew how...and then I hoped that maybe I'd get the chance to do so in person, even though that'd be scary as fuck to do... still the right thing to do. But as more time passes the chances of that are feeling slim. 

We don't know each other at all and yet I know we both have made countless assumptions about one another over the years. All I do know is that if I could, if I could go back to 25 year old me and shake some fucking sense into her, to make her see that even though my life was chaos, it was so unfair of me to bring a whirlwind of pain into someone else's life, oh I would do it in a heart beat. The pain my actions caused you, is the very same I witnessed my mother endure in my own childhood. I still don't know how I was capable... how I blatantly succumbed to my own desires regardless of consequence. I didn't really think about you at all, all those years ago, but I wish I had, maybe I wouldn't have done the most selfish thing I've ever done if I had. But oh how much I've thought of you since then. When it all first imploded, I wanted to be you, I wanted your life with him, I don't think I've ever felt jealously like that before or since... I've never been a jealous or possessive person, it's a feeling I don't much enjoy. 

To this day, my father has never apologized to my mother for cheating on her, and then married that woman, making life quite the battle. I didn't have a meal with my mother and father until I was 28 years old... it took me getting a god damn masters. I admire the fuck out of you for how hard you tried to keep your family together. Even though I was jealous, I was rooting for you guys, I would never wish my childhood on anyone else. I just need you to know that what happened, you never deserved it, you never did anything to "cause it", and perhaps now after being unfaithful yourself you can understand how little it actually has to do with what your partner did or didn't do...Sometimes you just need something different to feel "the more" and different does not mean better or worse, it's just different, whatever form that may take. 

I hope you know how much that man loves you, and cares about you, and your well being, and your girls. He has his faults, as all of us do, but he's a good one, you weren't wrong about that. When he popped back into my life two years ago we spent a lot of our time talking about you and your girls and how could he make sure that everyone was happy. He may not always be the best at outwardly expressing how he feels, but he's always thinking about you all, and trying his hardest to ensure you have the life you deserve.  I know he really tried to make things right, and was devastated that it wasn't enough.

When it all started I was drowning in my life after leaving an emotionally abusive alcoholic... and it honestly started with a good friend, just trying to be there for me. He didn't pursue me, the crossing of lines was very much a me thing, something I wish I could undo. He gave me a bubble of happy when everything else was so wrong, I'm not sure I would have come out of all that the person I am now without his support during that, it's confusing to be grateful for something that caused such damage.  

I am deeply sorry my existence has been the root of so much pain in your life, if there was a way to make it right, I hope you believe me when I say I would do anything to make that so. And I'm even more sorry that if for any moment, because of my actions, you ever felt like you were not enough, because no one deserves to feel that way. I hope you find peace in all of this mess, and find your way to a happy life, either with him or someone else, that is filled with love because everyone deserves that.

Why is writing easier...

Yesterday literally marked a week from the last time I saw Him, so how can things feel so drastically different in a week? What has happened to cause this? I feel like it started Saturday night when I asked him who he was getting drinks with and he didn't tell me... and then even though we talked about maybe making time to see each other on Sunday, I didn't hear from him until late in the day. Which made me wonder what did he do Saturday night... did he finally sleep with someone else? I really don't think that bothers me, I just don't like wondering...I could have reached out, but I was in the mindset of if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen, and I don't want to see him if he doesn't want to see me so there's no point in my reaching out. But maybe I was also feeling a little weird about the fact that I'd started the day with another dude's dick in my mouth...

Idk after I didn't get an honest answer about what he was doing when honesty has always been our thing I started hard core flirting with one of the guys on the trip that I had met once before. I wanted the distraction. But then something happened, we actually connected, and it was really nice, and we fooled around but he asked to take things slow...so we didn't sleep together, but slept together and it made me realize it's been a very long time since I woke up next to someone.  Last night he said he's never started a relationship with sex and had it be healthy so he's apparently already considering that things could progress down that route.  We have plans tonight, and we're going to see each other on Friday and then he's traveling for two weeks but already wants to set up plans for when he comes back. Am I focusing on the negative of everything with Him because I need to create distance to be able to try with this new guy?

Why does everything with Him all of a sudden feel meaningless when literally a week ago it didn't...?  I think that convo about traveling with a significant other after he talked about his family trip to Texas has been bouncing around in my head. It made me so clearly feel how much I want someone to travel with... not always, I fucking love my solo adventure trips... but I just don't want to always be alone anymore. Things were hard last fall, but it always felt worth it because I always thought we were building towards our someday, holding out for when things would be better and easier once the dust had settled from his own divorce. Even if things didn't work out, that time always felt like it was worth it because that risk, of it not working out, I mean that's inherent to dating, and I just always felt it in my bones that He was always worth that risk. But now... there's nothing we're working towards, nothing I'm holding out for... I guess I've just been trying to milk the situation for as many memories with Him I could get, but now that there's another "option" someone who does seem to want what I want out of a relationship, it's making things with Him feel like a waste of time.  I know I'm not getting what I truly want out of this situation with Him...but I was genuinely excited to go to pleasure garden with him, and then having fun with P2 and eventually going to her party...so why do I currently feel like I don't want to do any of those things anymore? Well... I don't want to do them with Him feels more accurate. I was sad and in a low yesterday when I wrote, but was I right... have I fallen out of love with him? Have things just become familiar and that's all that it is? I told him during that chat when I was trying to end things to give BDG a chance that he makes it hard for me to believe that he loves me, and he got upset at that, but honestly what has he done in the last year that would lead me to believe that he does?

I wrote last night, I'm writing right now, I obviously need to talk to Him, but I don't even know what to say. I don't want to make him feel bad for not giving me what I need... that's never my intention, but I still need to be honest that I currently don't want to do this anymore and that I'm not sure with where he's currently at, my feelings about that can be changed. 

It Isn't Love Anymore

I don't fully understand what I'm feeling but I think I'm falling out of love with Him. Everything dies if you don't feed it...I guess this was eventually bound to happen? Or does it have more to do with the fact that I'm tired of waiting, and I just want my right now to be what I want and I already know that he can't offer that? Idk I just have been thinking about how I very much do want a partner, someone to share my life with and to travel with and to grow with... have a future with. For the last two months I just keep saying "he's a FWB with no future" and maybe I finally believe that there really isn't a future someday to hold out for, that this is it, this is all it'll ever be, and while I know I love him, and love our time together, it's mostly a relationship that makes me feel lonely, and what is the point of being in a relationship like that? Maybe all this time I've always believed the man who really loved me all those years ago was who he really is, but I haven't seen much of that man in two years now... so perhaps who he is right now is Him, and honestly I don't feel the same way about this man...

I once thought the world of Him, and I still see a lot of the things I admire about Him, how much he loves his girls, and his dog, and how thoughtful he can be like his gift to his wife and how he's always trying to do the right thing, but I think I nailed it back in May. He is the good man that I know him to be, he just isn't a good man to me, at least not anymore, and I really don't feel good about the odds of that ever changing. I guess I thought I could love him enough to bring him back to me, but how can you bring someone back who doesn't want to come back? All I know is that whatever this once was... it doesn't feel like that anymore, I don't feel loved, it doesn't matter that he has said it... and the times that he has said it recently, it always seems to be when I'm trying to pull away, trying to finally accept that this isn't love anymore.

Right now I don't really want to see Him...but I want to hold out for our plans to go to pleasure garden cuz I do think we'd have a lot of fun there, but I'm worried I won't be able to get out of the current mindset I've found myself in. It all just feels meaningless all of a sudden.  I feel like initially, when things became a regular occurrence, even though I knew what was happening didn't really mean anything, that things were not going to progress, it still felt worthwhile to get more time with Him. There were so many days that I wanted to have with Him, so many memories I wanted to make, and I knew that most of them would never happen but maybe I could get some of them, and that would be worth it. But I wanted those memories with someone that I love and who loves me too and I don't think that's what this is... When I used to think of Him all I could ever see was how much fun we would have, how even when it would be hard, we would still be laughing. I don't see anything anymore....god just typing that is making me fucking sob. I don't want this anymore. This doesn't make my heart feel good at all. I think I missed him so much that initially I was just grateful, but now I just have no desire to entertain things in my life that don't make it better. I've worked so hard to escape what I had previously subjected myself to and I don't ever want to feel like I'm in limbo again.

I think maybe after the night we have planned with P2 that'll be it. I'm just breaking my own heart trying to keep Him in my life.

Just a look

I really fucking hope this is our last late game... I'm wide awake and it's just after 1. I really do want to stick to this bedtime of 11... I don't really know what I want right now. I was so over everything by the end of last weekend, I really didn't want to see Him and that was such a bizarre feeling. I kinda thought he was just gonna let things be over but instead he asked what I need and told me he wasn't going to just disappear again. He ended up coming over the next morning and getting time with Him made everything better, I felt so good the rest of that day aside from being exhausted. I remember falling asleep happy and feeling loved by him for the first time in a year. It was nice. But then a conversation went sideways on Friday right before we were meeting up with this girl that I guess I'll call the Party Planner? Too many syllables...P2 will do. But yeah He basically made it clear this is nothing more than FWB for him where I very much was operating from the belief of it being closer to an open relationship. It kinda crushed me but I did my best to put that all aside to enjoy meeting P2. But once I got home I let myself fall apart and ended up crying myself to sleep all while trying to nonchalantly reply to His infrequent messages. We were supposed to meet another couple this past Saturday but I so wasn't feeling it when I woke up... Waited an hour and when I still had no desire I cancelled. I wasn't sure if He would still want to hang out but he was game and we ended up having a really nice night.

But he's right...all this time together has zapped my desire to date and meet other people and I told Him as much today and said that we need to stop seeing each other so frequently if FWB is all it is. It's so frustrating for him to tell me that all he wants is for me to be happy and yet what would make the happiest would be the opportunity to actually try at being together. He's still super cynical about relationships in general but also believes he's a dead end for me. I don't think He understands just how fucking pointless interacting with other men feels to me.  So many times I've let his fears and actions cause me to believe what we have isn't the beautifully rare and deeply real connection that it is.  I know it's dramatic, but I'd be lying to say there isn't a part of me that believes either I get to love and be with Him, otherwise it'll be no one. It's been years and I cannot find a way to let go of him enough to actually be with someone else. Anyone I've tried to actually date always felt it...always sensed that not all of my heart was available. I tried to explain to Him why he's worth waiting for but I'm sure he just dismissed me.

I thought a lot about what have been the major differences across the years in how we both have had to deal with "us". I just want to understand how the man that loved me so wholly 4.5 years ago could also be the one who doesn't give a fuck if he loses me. He told me when he first reached out March of 2017 that he had tried to hate me to get over me...I guess I tried that as well but never even came close, but then realized that when I finally decided to let go fall of 2016 I accepted that I loved Him, that I would have given anything to have seen us through, but that would never be my reality because he was happy, and that's all that really mattered. So I did my best to pretend he didn't exist cuz that was the only way I could maybe love another.

For Him though, his choice to save his marriage meant he wasn't allowed to love me. And when I think about when he reached out that March, and again at the end of that summer, those were times where he was either hurt and mad enough, or had created enough space from his Wife to no longer care about being allowed or not allowed to love me. He wonders why he doesn't feel the way he did and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he spent years conditioning himself to ignore his feelings for me, and then got really fucking hurt in his marriage so he's got walls up from that as well. Until he gets to a place where he no longer cares about what his wife thinks or the consequences of engaging in things that'll piss her off, I think there will always be a tinge of this feeling of it not being allowed thus always keeping me at arm's length.

When everything started neither of us was looking for love, he just wanted to help me, and I was just grateful and we both were just open, neither had their guard up, cuz there was no reason to back then, and so I think that's part of why we fell the way we did. Now there's all sorts of reasons for each of us to close off parts of ourselves from each other...reasons due to our history, and reasons due to our traumas from others. But I think why I'm continually more open, while my personality is a large part, is because I never really did close off myself from the love I have for him. But it seems that's exactly what he wants me to do, but I wonder if he's really gonna be ok when that happens. I know he loves the way I look at Him, but just like my First and my Sailor learned, that look is for the person I'm in love with. While I still have love for them, and I know I will always have love  for Him, they both commented at some point that I don't look at them the same way that I used to, and I wonder will he notice that too.

How Ironic

I knew it would be harder when there were no set plans... I saw Him briefly last night but he didn't end up coming over and I definitely was disappointed, but he was quick to message me to apologize and suggest dirty texting later, and we ended up at least getting to chat on the phone which was nice. Found out he's been on a few dates, and it definitely hurt, but not as much as I thought it would, perhaps I am doing a good job putting him into this box of not a real option for me. A place where I'm accepting there's no future, he will never be what I hoped him to be. It makes me kinda sad to think about it that way, but what else is there to do. I feel myself detaching, slowly but surely and I already know how much I don't enjoy meaningless sex and it feels like that's where this is headed. I mean it's what I think I was after when I decided to engage in this, for Him to become just another dude in the mix and get to this place where I can write him off like the rest because they can't offer what I want. It was funny to hear Him talk about it being a waste of time when things won't work out regarding how boring this girl is, perhaps he can more fully understand my frustrations with him and whatever the fuck we've been doing these past four years. Also was reminded of conversations with Density when he would talk about what he was looking for and he'd basically describe me and internally I'd be like are you fucking dumb, I'm right fucking here and you know I'm open to exploring something between us... but now I'm in this place with Density where I can see he does have a lot of the things I'm looking for, I wasn't wrong about the potential and compatibility I saw, but HOLY SHIT is he needy in a relationship, he needs a lot of time with his person and a lot of communication, and I am far too independent for that and I guess he always sensed that and that's why he never made a move. I mean kudos to him, we have a great friendship that I cherish.

I mean I know I need quality time with people to continue feeling connected, and I need more communication when I don't feel secure in something... but idk, when I'm settled in a situation I can be so laid back and hands off.  Perhaps He and I can actually find ourselves in friendship especially when I no longer feel that physical pull to him because I'll have someone that I care about, who also cares about me to meet those needs, and it just really always is better when there's that emotional and intellectual connection on top of the physical. I guess He and I will always have the physical, but the intellectual isn't where it used to be cuz I think throughout this nonsense I've lost respect and trust for him, I know that I mean the things I say, and I do the things I say I will, but there's never been a lot of follow through with him on anything. I realized today that right about now is when we first met each other 7 years ago, which means I've now known him longer than I knew my Sailor. What a weird truth.... but yea I can feel the emotional connection severely weakening cuz even though I really don't think intense love ever dies, I think it really does lessen when you stop feeding it and he hasn't done anything in a long time now that has made me feel loved. Like he said that he does a few times across the conversations we've had these past few months, but honestly His words no longer mean much of anything to me.  I kinda figured this would persist until I got physically involved with someone new, and maybe that is still how it will play out, but I feel myself putting up walls...Monday was rough finding out about a dear childhood friend's father passing, and I'm going to the viewing tonight, and it's gonna be sad as fuck... but yea that's the sort of thing I would normally want to talk about with my person and I think I wouldn't have minded sharing my feelings about with Him, cuz I did last night, but I didn't feel the urge to share like I normally would have... I said it without really thinking last night that all the things I want to explore, and at the time I was referencing sexual escapades, but I mean it for life in general, I'm going to do them with or without Him, and I guess feeling how true that is has me in this head space of does He bring more good than bad to my life? And the fact that I'm having a hard time believing he's worth my energy when I know I used to be able to say without hesitation that the complicatedness of Him was always worth it, is a big fucking deal. How ironic that how things are with Him right now seem to finally be what he wants but it's making me no longer want him.

Surrender

I haven't had the need to write as much lately, which means I'm not as sad, which hey that's always good news and progress, I guess right now I just have a lot going on in my head that I need to do a brain dump. First off, NYE with BDG was a confusing night for me... it was a really nice time, but He wished me a happy new years almost right away and when I noticed it, it felt like it would be wrong of me to reply...so I initially didn't and figured I'd say something the next day, but then while BDG was out walking his dog and smoking, I did text him and then called Burdman. Was still on the phone when he came back and he definitely overheard some of our banter and me talking about dating sites and what not and then was kinda weirded out by me having such a close guy friend and I was like I have a few close guy friends, I play sports and am an engineer... but yea the next day I felt conflicted about how it felt wrong to hear from Him while with BDG and just had no desire to feel like I did when I was still involved with Apricot while also emotionally involved with Him last fall. So I basically attempted to end whatever it is that we've been doing but then for once he actually told me how he was feeling. We had some really good and productive conversations the next few days and I just knew I didn't want it to be over again just yet and I still hadn't made up my mind about BDG anyways so we kinda left it that we can continue things for as long as they don't feel wrong to me and that I'd let him know. But then I stopped putting any effort into things with BDG and at this point we haven't talked in a week and I don't even care...I mean I guess that just means I'm not interested enough to try? Can I truly believe that if I do meet someone I like and see potential with, I will go after it and say goodbye to Him?

I guess I'm struggling with deciding what is it that I need to be doing right now to set myself up for what I ultimately want, but I'm not sure I fully know what it is that I want. I'm still feeling strongly about not wanting kids, it just feels like to move forward with that, I need to want it so much more than I do...thinking about the realities of it just feels irresponsible to me with how much school debt I have and all the plans I have to travel. And with that thought process what point would there be to getting married again? I'm financially independent have my own health care, and make enough that filing jointly doesn't typically help me, so like why go through all that again? I came across some of my wedding photos today and while that day was such a nice day, it was so much work to get to that day, so much that I did alone, and I guess it wouldn't necessarily be like that again, but all of that feels like such a fucking waste of money to me... the rings, the dress, the flowers, all that shit... I'd so much rather put that kind of money towards my debt and travel. I don't even know if I ever want to live with someone again...so many of people's arguments come from financial shit and the responsibilities around the house and just the annoyance that comes with spending too much time with ANYONE no matter how much you like them or how compatible you are... Like having kids it makes a ton of sense to live together, like it's fucking hard doing that alone, but if I don't want that life anymore, why open myself up to those kinds of arguments? So no living with someone, no marriage, no kids, what does that really mean I'm looking for? Simply put I just want someone to love who doesn't make me question if they love me too, a situation where I don't have to hold back, where I'm not betting with myself how long will this round last, where I know it's not foolish of me to think about the future. Will I be able to be open to something like that developing if I'm still engaging with Him? That's what I'm struggling with determining right now...but it's also like if what we're doing right now is enough for me, what's wrong with that?

Like I guess it's not the greatest to have to lie about it, but it feels different this time...I don't feel shame around lying because I think I want it to be a secret as much as He does. My circle is so fucking tired of this story and I don't blame them honestly, and when I know it's just going to end again there is zero fucking point to cluing anyone in on it. I asked my therapist if she thought it was bad that I wasn't telling anyone in my life about it and she was like why do you think it would be? And I was like I'm definitely not in the habit of keeping this kind of a thing to myself, and I pride myself on being open and honest, and she was like you are open and honest but that doesn't mean you can't have private things in your life. I thought a lot about how my levels of openness have changed over time, and I think part of it had been a reaction to what happened in my marriage. I was not very open and honest with my circle about the inner workings of my relationship with my Sailor, and when my circle came out to visit us in Cali every single one of them made a comment along the lines of I don't like the way he treats you... that endeavor caused me a lot of pain and I guess at the end of it I didn't trust my own judgement, and when things imploded with Him the first time and he convinced me it had never been real, that just reinforced the belief I couldn't trust myself. So I think since then I've been so open because I've been relying on other people's input to make decisions, but I don't really feel that way anymore... Now, I know that my gut has ALWAYS been right, I just needed practice trusting it. Talking to Him, spending time with him, never feels wrong to me. Why does something have to have an end goal for it to be worth it? I don't think I believe that it does...but I know being able to talk to Him, and seeing him, totally zapped my motivation to date but I'm still attempting to be open to it...I have a date with a guy from softball next weekend and I'm still chatting with that Woman. There's a few other dudes that I know I would be following up with and perhaps I should force myself to, but the rest of me is like if I have to force myself then is it really what I want? Is it worth it? But I really just don't want to allow myself to get to a place where I'm gonna be fucking devastated when things end again with Him... which I don't really know how to do that, but trying not to have any expectations has been my main focus, but it's hard to juggle that some times when I know I want to see Him and want to feel like he wants to see me too. Probably part of why I feel the need to write right now is I know I'll see him next week for a happy hour... but I don't know the next time we'll have time together and I don't know why not knowing if there will be a next time gets me so off kilter. I guess it's really hard for me to trust and believe that things won't just change over night, because that is always how it has felt in the past...just all of a sudden we apparently weren't on the same page at all and I always felt like a stupid idiot. I don't want to be worried about the "next time" because what it has been, feels right, and I'm happy with it, and I am totally ok with it being a secret, but I know what I ultimately want is someone to share my life with, and you can't really do that with someone who doesn't actually exist in your "real world". Right now I'm trying my best to foster a mindset that will allow me to keep Him in my life when it reaches that point when it's no longer enough for me. I know I am a happier person when I can talk to Him, when I'm allowed to know how he is, and maybe I don't have to give that up, maybe I can find someone who will be understanding of my love for Him and be ok with me maintaining a friendship...

I have felt at war with myself since things ended last year, my heart fighting with my brain and I just don't want to feel that way anymore. The Woman told me about how she likes to set a one word intention for every year to help her focus and I've been thinking about that since I saw her on Monday. A word came to me while I was showering on Friday and I've been mulling it over since then and I think I'm pretty settled on "Surrender". It makes me think about how when you're swimming in the ocean and the waters get rough you can choose to fight the waves, try to stand your ground in the shallower waters where you can still touch the bottom, feeling more secure, or, you can go a little bit deeper where it's easier to just go under them and surrender to the current knowing that with effort you can eventually get yourself back to shore, and with all the energy you save by not trying to go through the damn waves, you should be just fine expelling that effort. Maybe if I just surrender to what is now, and stop worrying so much about the eventual, I can truly be in the happy that is now and happiness always seems to be contagious, perhaps just allowing things to play out and just readjusting to make sure things continue to feel right, is how you get to where you want to be.

To be seen...

Things with BDG have progressed quickly in the last week. We hung out one on one on Saturday and have plans for tonight. I'm excited and nervous. I'm finally going to be kissed into the New Year and I feel so conflicted about that... I think there was this part of me that felt like maybe I'd had such bad luck with that because He was supposed to be the one to get that "first"... Just a few weeks ago I thought huh maybe going into 2020 is when that will all finally happen and everything will be on it's way to working out how it's always been meant to work out. Right now though I feel the need to cancel our plans on the 11th, after Saturday night and learning more about BDG, and how the last relationship he was involved in ended with SERIOUS cheating, like she apparently was with seven other dudes and had two secret abortions... yikes... he needs exclusivity to continue moving forward and I want to continue moving forward. I spent the night on Saturday and we didn't sleep together, but definitely had fun and I'm super pumped to take that step with him, I definitely could tell we have the kind of chemistry that gets me addicted. A few weeks ago walking home from the Wine & Spirits looking up at the full moon I thought about something I read that said sometimes you just need to ask the universe as specifically as you can for what you want and I just started calling out all the things I love the most about the men I've loved in my life. I want the friendship and chemistry I have with Him, I want the devotion I had with my Sailor, I want the always laughing easy going-ness of how things were with First everything, I want the thoughtfulness and kindness that Density has always shown me, I want someone to call me out on my bullshit like Burdman does, I just want someone to share my life with and see this world with.

Saturday night fooling around in his bed after he decided we should slow things down he just looked down at me for a minute and then said "You're so beautiful" and all of sudden I felt seen the way He made me feel seen four years ago. I've had other men be smitten with me across the last four years, but I guess until now, I hadn't been mutually interested so that's why nothing ever felt like things did with Him, and perhaps that's why I've been so stuck, because I just hadn't lucked into mutuality again. I love this part of getting to know someone though, where they've already decided they're into who I am as a person and then they find out how much I love sex, they always react like I'm some sort of miracle. Sunday morning with his arms around me feeling so safe and comfortable, I wondered if the universe had delivered what I had asked for. I'm so scared I'm going to be wrong again, I'm so scared that by choosing to see this through, I have to finally give up on Him and what does that ultimately mean?

I don't feel the need to cut Him out entirely like I always believed I would need to do to move on, but I definitely don't think one on one time can maybe ever happen again... I just don't think that pull to Him will ever go away, but I'm so over his indifference...but perhaps I fucked myself over long ago by showing him he could give me nothing and still I would love him. Seeing Him on Christmas was so nice, but I felt myself holding back, especially when he was talking about the day he found out his parents were getting divorced... all I wanted to do was to tell him how much I loved Him and how sad I was for 12 year old him... It seemed like instead of being able to process the news with his sister, his immediate reaction pushed her away and I think it made him feel even more alone. I think I will always wish that He had let me in, but I knew a day would come where I would give up on wanting to be with Him because eventually I would just want someone to want me back... I just don't think I ever thought that change would happen as quickly as it is, but I guess I forgot the pull of mutuality especially when you can feel that it's not just a physical thing. Perhaps He was right, we were never built for a happy ending.

Re-evaluation

I haven't written in a while now and that's probably because I've been able to talk to Him freely and the last time I had too many thoughts I actually got to talk to him on the phone. It was hard trying to explain myself live, but I think I got there and it honestly was so much better than the one sided conversations I would have with myself. We talked about is it really that bad that we're talking. I don't usually keep something like this a secret, but I guess I've realized that things with us tend to implode once others are involved. I never liked feeling like a secret but I realize now that had more to do with feeling like he wasn't proud to be with me and didn't want to incorporate me into his life, which more or less made me feel like I was more invested because I wanted to let him into every aspect of mine. It made me sad that most people would never know what we meant to each other, that there was no proof that there had been love, but I realize now that was really more tied up in how he made me feel crazy when we were dead to each other, made me feel like it hadn't been real and I never wanted to feel that way again, it really didn't have much to do with what other people thought or saw. I don't need anyone else to tell me that my love for him is real for it to be real.


I've been doing so much re-evaluation of my life the last couple of weeks cuz for once I really do like exactly where I'm at, I love my job, I love living alone, I started dating again and meeting all these people and getting to know them and watching them getting to know me it just makes me excited for the future. I've been realizing all these little judgements I made about myself and other people's lives and what "happiness" looked like and just how detrimental to my actual happiness that has all been. I saw blind date guy (BDG) again this past weekend and we had some really blunt and meaningful conversations and it was refreshing. I was sharing some of it with Him and he was kinda dubious if I actually meant any of what I said cuz basically I said I didn't want kids nor do I want to get married. I can understand why he wouldn't believe cuz yes that's definitely different from what I said I wanted just a few months ago, but idk that's kinda the beauty of living a free life, you can change your mind.

But it's not that simple though, cuz it doesn't really feel like I've changed my mind, it just feels like I understand more about what I've actually been after. I just want to love and be loved. The model of that though is often encased in marriage and children but I think what I've really internalized recently is that there are so many other paths. I've always known my twin wasn't going to live a conventional life so I think somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to. And I think always loving babies and being so good with them, and always hearing you'll be a great mother, somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to be one. I think there will always be a part of me that will have the curiosity of what it means to create new life, but I think there's supposed to be more than a curiosity to actually have a fucking baby. When I think about the reality of those things, what comes with all of that, none of it actually seems appealing, none of it feels like it's going to bring to my life what I'm looking for. I don't want to be controlled, I don't want to always have to put a kid ahead of me, I've spent my life putting others ahead of myself and I frankly don't want to anymore. I want to travel and see this world, I want to keep going to concerts and having fun spontaneous experiences, I want to keep having variety in life. Settling down into a routine, same shit day in day out is never what would make me happy, I would fucking suffocate. I think engagement rings and weddings are a fucking waste of money, I'd much rather use that for my student loans haha I think people forcing cohabitation is what leads to most conflicts, about responsibility for cleaning and financial shit and resulting in not getting alone time. Like right now I don't think I even like the idea of moving in with someone else ever again. I don't even know if I need monogamy any more, I've never been a possessive person, and I truly believe love is limitless.

All I ever wanted was someone to share my life with that wouldn't try to change me, or control me, that would listen and be there for me and would let me do the same for them and I would never have to question if I was important to them. I've been excited to see Him on Christmas, it's been rough waiting this long, but since seeing BDG I feel differently and I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps I'm already making room for this guy and truly want to see where it could lead and I'm starting to fear I'm going to do to him what I did to Apricot. At least in this case I do see potential with him, he is a lot like Him but there's no baggage of kids and an ex wife, nor years of hurt that he's caused me. Perhaps Burdman was right when he said "no good will ever come from Him" but maybe even if I don't think I need monogamy, I may never be truly comfortable with the idea having to choose someone over another and potentially hurting someone I love because I've been forced to do that all my life with my parents and it's a painful existence...always knowing that you've disappointed someone. For now I'm gonna operate the way I have before when actively dating, I'm not going to assume exclusivity from them nor be exclusive myself until that conversation is had with whomever I decide is worth that.

More Reasons

I want to reach out to Him so badly today. Most days I do try to avoid things that I know will make me think of Him, and then sometimes, when I know he'll be on my mind anyways, I'll indulge. On the way home from the concert last night I finally decided to listen to "The Dark Side of the Moon" start to finish and holy shit. Like I already knew they were talented af and can play, but this was so much more than that with the curation of the songs and the sampling of real life sounds.  There's not too many albums out there that almost feel like one song, but that's how this felt to me, and I unknowingly had it on repeat, so the very first song started to play again and I think that's what really hit me. The album ends the way it starts, with a heart beat, just like fucking life starts with your parents listening to your heartbeat and then it possibly ends surrounded by loved ones watching that monitor for the last beat...And then the first song is just a mess of sounds that actually foreshadow every other song on the album.

Honestly my overall take away is that it's this critique on life in general, and even though it was released in the 70s it's still so fucking relevant. His latest tattoo is a modified version of the cover, which I love even more now after listening to the whole thing. That whole idea that all the colors are all a part of the white light and if you just change the angle of the reflection, ya know just change your perspective, you can see them all. Just feels like they were trying to say yea we may all be in this rat race with all these stupid expectations, and the false god of money, but if you take the time to actually look around you'll see how much more there is to the lives we've been given. It's really hard to pick a favorite song from the album in all honesty, cuz they all just kinda feed off of each other, and I've only listened the once through... but I think maybe it'd be Any Colour You Like. I never did ask Him what the tattoo meant to him... I guess it felt wrong to ask before I'd listened to the album, but also maybe I didn't want more reasons to love him...one of the feeds I follow is about space and celestial events and it notified me yesterday that his birthday this year coincides with a super blood moon which is apparently rare. Basically at 12:12am on the 21st the lunar eclipse will be at its maximum and it's happening during a full moon. Somehow it feels fitting that's how the first day of His next trip around the sun will start. The phrase, the dark side of the moon is actually slightly incorrect, cuz it's not like the moon doesn't spin, all of its "sides" receive sunlight eventually, but it's just perfectly timed with the orbit of Earth that we can never see the "far side" from Earth. It just appears to always be dark because of our limited perspective and I want to believe Pink Floyd knew that.

I finally did have that date with that Woman this past Wednesday, and it was amazing, I haven't felt that carefree in a very long time, I can't wait to see her again. She's got this husky voice that's so sexy, and she's just bursting with life and sexuality. It was a strange experience to feel like the persuer and also so innocent and out of my element. I tactfully got her up to my apartment with a call back to our convo earlier in the day about how if it was too forward of me to ask her to meet my pussy when I possibly want to touch her pussy LOL. After about twenty minutes of being on the floor with the cat she asked to use the restroom and when she came out I was kinda pacing in the middle of my main room and she asks how I'm feeling and I'm like I feel really nervous which makes her laugh and she sits on the ottoman and tells me to sit. So I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor and she asks me what I think and I immediately say I think you're so beautiful, which landed well, and I follow it up with but I don't know what's next. She says well I would like to kiss you, and I say I would like that very much, to which she replies well you've been the persuer so far as she inches herself off the ottoman and towards me on the floor and I'm moving closer as well. And then our lips finally touch and it quickly goes from a kiss to a full makeout session on my floor with me straddling her and putting her hands above her head with some good ole fashioned grinding.

So I can finally say I've kissed a lady, and I did really enjoy the experience, but still feel unsure if I'm sexually attracted to women, or I'm just so intrigued by her and her life. She was telling me all sorts of crazy stuff about BDSM and threesomes, and sex parties. I have a feeling knowing her is gonna crack me wide open. We have another date set for the end of the month, two busy ladies trying to make plans is real fucking difficult haha. Welp I gotta get my butt on the road, I have a blind date tonight that a dear high school friend set up for me... I'm anxious and nervous and can't help but think about how my mother married both of the only blind dates she has been on...

No good...

I want to get to bed but feel the need to quickly write. I finally saw Coco tonight. It was lovely, it made me cry hard. I kept thinking about Him watching this with his girls and knowing why he enjoyed it. Something snapped though as I sat there on my couch crying by myself with the cat on my lap wishing I could talk to Him. I'm just done with the sadness of this. If he doesn't know by now that he wants me like I want Him, he's never going to. I can't keep living with this "someday" floating out there, I will never be able to be fully present in my now if I do. I wanted a life with Him so fucking badly, I really don't think I've ever wanted anything more. But for whatever reason it's just not in the cards in this life. So I blocked him on Facebook, I blocked him on Hangouts, I blocked him on my email and he's still blocked on my phone. It feels good to know I won't see his name randomly pop up anymore. I will do my best to avoid any social activities that he could be at and hopefully by god I will leave this man in the past for once and for all. May 2019 be the year where I finally stop wishing for what is next. Part of me still has no desire to let go, I'm still very much in love with Him and I just hope if I keep focusing on the fact that I shouldn't want someone who is not afraid to lose me, my heart will start to accept what my brain has maybe always known, this man brings me nothing but misery. There is someone out there who will never take me for granted and will want all the things I want out of this life. Please hurry up and get here. I'm no good at this patience thing.