Not Now

I'm doing better, but I'm still not me... I'm still struggling with procrastinating and focusing... here I am writing while at work. I still haven't finished my PE application and it's getting to the point where I might be putting myself in danger of not getting it all in on time and I don't understand why I would do this to myself. It's just easier to aimlessly scroll through the internet and cuddle with my cat and sleep... He and I had an exchange a week a go today...a worth while one, and then saw each other in person on Tuesday. He's exactly where I thought he was but I was choosing not to acknowledge it... in the headspace of not wanting to go from something serious, to something serious, of wanting to have his freedom, of wanting to date and see what's out there. I remember being in that place too and I know part of why I am so sure about Him now, is because of everything I went through while we were mostly dead to each other. It has made a difference to know that he still loves me, to know he sees our potential too, but he still doesn't want to be with me, at least not right now, and that's the frustrating part. We chatted briefly on hangouts on Thanksgiving and I really want to start the convo back up again, and I typed it out, and then deleted it. He needs to figure his life out, and what he wants, and that's not something I need be around for especially when it negatively impacts my self esteem. But it's hard when talking to him makes me happy. I don't think there's harm in talking to him, but I just feel like it would eventually lead us right back to what happened last fall. We tried to limit the amount we talked to each other, we only saw each other when I was visiting, we talked about how he was still a mess, and yet somehow we found ourselves dating. I don't want that to happen again before he's actually decided he wants to be with me because I sure as shit don't want to go through losing him again. I don't know how long it will take him to come back around, and he might not ever, so the sooner I really cut him out, the better off I will be. Cutting him out now doesn't mean I'm giving up on a someday, it just means I'm recognizing that our someday isn't now, and that I deserve to be happy right now and all he does is bring me pain. I think that maybe I really should try to date again and be open minded about it.

I took a risk last week and asked out a WOMAN. I've been following her blog for over a year after I found it when I was doing research on polyamorous relationships. She seems to love, love, as much as I do and I just feel drawn to her. We've been texting back and forth and should hopefully be meeting up this Thursday. All my interactions with her so far have made me giddy so I'm genuinely excited about it and trying not to overthink it. I hope putting myself out there with this, will help me to really step out of this depressive episode. I am so tired of being sad.

Lost

I'm really not ok. I've spent the whole day in bed other than to feed the cat but not myself. There's a friendsgiving today and I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to get up and shower...I feel like it would be good for me to go...but I also feel like I don't deserve to. I caved and I wrote in that stupid blog to Him and now I'm waiting to see if when he sees it, will he reach out? And why do I want him to?

I also feel like I don't deserve to go cuz I promised myself I would do my PE stuff last night and I just didn't. Everything feels so hard right now. Sleep is preferred...and I've had way too many thoughts about how it'd be nice for it all to just be done. That yea people would be sad, but no one needs me other than Lady and my sister would love her. But I keep seeing that phrase I read a while ago, how suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it along to someone else...I really don't want anyone I love to feel any of the hopelessness I feel these days. I'm grateful it comes in bouts, that there are still moments where I see the happy admidst the shit but I can't see my future. I'm not used to that but I can't and it scares me. I've always had ideas, and plans, and things I'm looking forward to and idk my brain isn't working the way that it used to. It's so foggy, and slow, and dark.  There's all this talk about how you have to rely on yourself and you're in charge of your happiness and no one can save you, but what if right now I can't even find myself?

Everything is temporary, I know this too shall pass I just really hope it doesn't get much darker before it does.

Actually unconditional?

Yesterday was good, today has been hard... Today I collapsed on the couch still in my jacket and have just  been dicking around on my phone cuddling with the cat and I never ate lunch and I'm not even hungry for dinner...
Tonight marks a week and I really can't believe He's ok with that being the last thing he says to me... But perhaps he's not, he's been checking the blog every day. Seems so ridiculous for two people to apparently be thinking about each other this much and not fucking talking to each other. I'm very tempted to write an entry but I promised I would stop and it feels important for my desire to actually let go, to keep that promise. I should probably make it private again, but idk there's something about knowing He cares enough to look.

I wish we had been lucky enough to actually get a shot at being together... I'm sure this "what if" will stay with me all my life, I just hope I figure out how to pack it away enough to still love another just as deeply.

There really was something so intoxicating about never questioning if I loved him, I just always knew. He has always felt right. I know solace can be found in knowing you did everything you could and I honestly believe there's nothing more I could have done to show how much I love him and that I was willing to work through anything to be able to share my life with him. What is now was not my choice, this is the consequence of Him giving up and I have nothing to feel sorry for, and yet I do. I can't help but wonder if I love him as much as I do, why can't I manage to be there for him during a rough time even though he doesn't want to be with me. And I think I was close to being able to manage that, but having that night together completely derailed that...I just can't manage to push off the negative thoughts about myself that always surface when I'm reminded of his rejection. I'm so happy while we're talking, and while he was here next to me on this couch, but then it stops, and so quickly it goes back to feeling like we're nothing and I can't figure out what I mean to him, where I stand with him, and it drives me crazy. Insecurity literally brings out the worst in everyone.

How many years did I spend sacrificing my own happiness for that of my Sailor's? And at least he was always all in with me, he actually loved me, albeit not well, but as best as he could. This man has given me no reason to believe he actually wishes me to continue trying and I've been such a fucking idiot telling myself otherwise. I just kept telling myself that he was too overwhelmed to even fully process everything, that of course he loves me, I couldn't feel what I feel if he didn't. That of course it got hard when he moved back in, how could it not? How could he not feel guilty about spending time with me when it would inherently feel like he was hurting his wife? They've been together a decade, even if he no longer wants to be married to her, doesn't mean he wanted or wants to hurt her. And how could he not partially dread every hangout knowing most likely it would result in her giving Him attitude and just making his every day life harder. And who could blame her, even when you know it's right to no longer be with someone, it still hurts to see them move on, and usually while you can know it's happening, you don't typically know exactly when they're hanging out with that new someone. I can't imagine how hard that would be...So I think it actually makes a lot of sense that things probably felt wrong, and that was the real danger of trying to be together when He was so far away from having room in his life for me. Very difficult to be all the way in on something new when you're still in the thick of something else...I guess it was dumb of me to be so sure that it would it get better and easier as he moved through the process, but I think it's dumb of him to believe all those uncomfortable feelings caused by his circumstances meant we were no longer right for each other. Love isn't finite and it's an emotion like the rest of them and it comes and goes in waves, staying is the choice. Makes me think about my twin with his first real love, after agreeing to having an open relationship to enjoy college and manage long distance he started to have feelings for another girl and thought that meant he no longer loved his gf and told her so and it crushed her and now ten years later he still fucking regrets it and hasn't even come close to loving someone at that level. I came across a collection of stories of people regretting ending things and this one in particular made me sob cuz I guess it's what I've told myself he feels.

I miss him so much and I worry all the time, I've said this phrase before but it feels accurate, it is so hard loving someone this much from so far away. I know the thought of actually moving out probably scares the shit out of Him, and I can't imagine what it's like to know you're choosing to give up on time with your children, but there's no moving forward with what they're doing right now. I hope he finds the courage soon to take that next real step and actually start his new life.

I can't fucking wait

Well apparently I made the blog He would sometimes read public again. I must have done it thinking it was this one, but that was like weeks ago...I like to read my latest post the next day, reading my own thoughts with fresh eyes always seems to put things in a different perspective and helps me make sense of it all. I guess my auto populate is still used to the other one cuz it brought up the stats page and holy moly he checked the page a whole bunch today. Perhaps he's surprised I've said nothing more to him... Perhaps he's surprised I immediately declined the invite to his happy hour next week when I got back from lunch. Like I said to Buddah, of course I'd like to see everyone but how exactly can I expect Him to take me seriously about not wanting him in my life at all if I don't take it seriously. Besides, I see the people I want to see.

I'm just so done feeling so fucking stuck and I know I will continue to feel this way until I let go. I was all in, I didn't give up, I meant everything I said to him, my words were not empty like his. But I am so done letting my heart and my sanity be at the mercy of some asshole who doesn't value me, because anyone who truly knows your worth, would never risk losing you.

I saw this quote earlier tonight and fuck did it make me cry and as I watched curb your enthusiasm all I could think was god damn I wish I could laugh about this with Him. But I have to believe as long as I keep making better choices, the hurt will subside and no longer feel so overbearing. There's another side to this and I'm going get to it one way or another. One day hopefully not too long from now I will wake up and he will no longer be the first thing I think of and I can't fucking wait.

No rush

I really was making progress towards being in a headspace where I think He and I could have been on friendly terms, but seeing him... Feeling the way I feel about him in full force... Being able to touch him...I don't want to be that man's friend. I tried to not let my hopes get away from myself but I couldn't help myself and I guess I tried one last time to ask him to reconsider and ended the interaction with an email saying being dead to each other really is for the best for me and my sanity. All he said was "You're such a pain in the ass" and initially I was gonna respond with this stupid meme that said "if your girl don't go psycho on you every once in a while, she don't love you and your dick is trash" LOL

But then I thought about how that would basically mean I was apologizing for how I feel, apologizing for loving Him and wanting to be with him, instead of some fuck buddy situation. Apologizing for being honest that every time he interacts with me it fucking hurts me. And then he didn't say anything more and all I can think now is "damn, he's ok with that being the last thing he says to me, maybe I severely overestimated how much this man has ever cared about me".

While a lot of me has been sad as fuck this weekend, and let myself read through old text convos with Him and cried real hard, there's definitely another part that hopes this means it's finally done. I'm so tired and I'm so fucking tired of being wrong about people. I really thought by now I would be done with always waiting for what is next. When I think about the times in my life where I didn't want the moments to end, where I was so perfectly happy to be exactly where I was, most of those moments are with Him and I guess that's why I've tried so hard to hold on to him because I've spent my life searching for that feeling.

But I've also felt it during my adventure trips, so I firmly know I can create that feeling all on my own and I guess I just have to accept that even though I long for the phase of my life of being madly in love with the man I will build a life and a home and a family with, I am not in that phase yet. Fuck, I may never reach that phase in a traditional sense, but I do trust that just like I always have I will move my life in the direction I want it to be in and if I decide I need to have a baby of my own and no man ever materializes well then I'm sure I'll fucking figure it out.

Lately it has been hard to remember how fucking young I really am and how much time I have, but seriously I've most likely lived for only a third of my life so far, there's no rush.

Losing my mind

I'm losing my god damn mind. I don't know if it was bad or good to have seen Him... I really don't. I don't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and just genuinely happy, but there were moments where I remembered it didn't mean anything, that it would all be over in a few hours, that it would all go back to nothing, and I cried a little, but I've always been good about being in the moment while with him and brought myself out of it, and mostly just enjoyed the time with Him.  But he's in my head now, in a way he wasn't before. I think I hoped it would feel a little bit wrong, that it would finally sink in that he no longer loves me, but that wasn't the vibe I got at all. There is something so real, and good between us and I just don't understand why he is fighting it. I think it's a great quality to be able to rationally think through things and not get caught up in your emotions, but thinking through your feelings is not the same as feeling them, and love is not rational and never will be, and sometimes the right thing, is to honor how you feel. I didn't want him to leave, I didn't want it to be the last time and said as much, and he said neither do I, and as I kissed him goodbye, internally I was shouting please feel how much I love you because I can't say it out loud because I know you won't say it back and it will brake me... but maybe I should have... And now here I am having these internal conversations with myself about do I want kids more than I want him? As if that's the only thing keeping us apart... when who knows how much of that is a convenient excuse for Him.

I have told no one about seeing Him, and that's new for me, I don't keep big things like that to myself anymore, not since I went through my divorce, but honestly it's this perfect night I don't want to be tainted by anyone telling me how fucking stupid I am for allowing it to happen. We didn't even end up going out downtown for dinner and I'm glad that we didn't, I just wanted as much time with him as possible. That's all I've ever wanted, is more time with him. I think "Time" may be the only commodity that genuinely matters in this life, and oh how we waste it. I have been struggling with focusing since he reached out at the end of August and it's a real fucking problem. I need to wrap up my PE shit, and I bring my laptop home every night to do it, and then I just collapse on the couch and fuck around on my phone, feed the cat, maybe feed myself, usually not, and then go to sleep. I think I'm more depressed than I thought. It's like my heart is so fucking sad it's making the rest of me sick. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to be so stuck on this, I want to be present and grateful for this life I've made for myself and hopefully sometime soon someone is gonna show up that'll make me easily see why no matter how much I love Him, our someday was never meant to be.

Y

Well of course I would get an email from him shortly after my last entry... apparently him and Gray spoke last Saturday about how we're no longer talking but Gray came off as mad at him and He spent the rest of the weekend brooding over it all and then reached out to me to find out exactly what went down. Seems like he had totally created a much worse scenario in his head, but he is clearly still hurt by Gray's decision to continue talking to me... we ended up chatting on google hangouts for a while that night after I emailed him back giving as much information as I could.  We once again have made plans to get together and I'm not going to bail this time, three times is just rude. So right now I'm trying to get right in my head why I'm allowing this to happen because I know it doesn't mean he wants to be with me.  I guess I'm trying to think of this as the goodbye I never got? The chance to know that the last time is the last time even if none of me will want it to be the last time. I have never regretted any of the time I've spent with him so I guess I'm just banking on that staying true.  I've been so sad, for so long, what is the harm in one night of fun? In one night of pretending I still have Him in my life. I know it's hard to keep my thoughts and hopes in check, and I want to talk about this with someone, but everyone in my life will talk me out of it and I don't want that. I think I deserve to have one last good memory. I don't understand why he no longer thinks we're worth all the hard, but that doesn't make my feelings for him change in the slightest so why not take advantage of one more night to love him freely. 

Frame of Mind

I wish I didn't still cry because of Him. But I do. It's not everyday anymore, which thank fucking god, but it's often enough to make me somewhat mad at myself for it. He contacted me again recently, and we almost had a night together.. I really wanted it, but luckily I had therapy in between and she really didn't talk me out of it, but just reminded me about all the progress I've made despite this regression I've experienced since he reached out at the end of August. We ended up having a phone conversation after I cancelled... It was nice, but terribly sad and I called out of work the next day. It was nice to hear his voice, and his laugh, and that he misses me too... but it was hard to hear his response when I asked if we ever had a shot or had we always been doomed. He seems to have convinced himself that us would always be hard...the kids thing is real... but I think the rest of his fears are kinda bullshit. It's incredible how all these feelings I have for this man are just still here, the time has done nothing to them, nor all the hurt he has caused me, and how can that be? Am I that delusional? Or do I simply just love Him unconditionally and once you get to that point with someone there's no turning back. I recently decided that I just need to put him in the same basket as my dad. A person I love, who is important to me, but is not a regular entity in my life, is not someone I rely on for anything, and a person I long ago accepted will never give me emotionally what I wish they could, but I'm always grateful for the time we do get. I blocked his number on my phone, I can't keep myself open to random contact, it just unravels me. But I know I will be genuinely happy to see him at a happy hour so hopefully one of those will be happening soon.

I was supposed to have my first date in well over a year this past Saturday but the guy bailed to go to a sixers game with his brother, which honestly I would have done the same. Not sure it'll ever get rescheduled, have since learned he is a morning person, which is an immediate turn off hahah. Have a date this Friday with a guy I met during a project I did for grad school. I really like him as a person, and he says he wants something low key.... I don't think I'd ever want to actually date him. Can't decide if it's worth getting entangled in, but like one date doesn't feel like a bad idea. Might be nice for my first first date in fucking forever to be with someone I actually know.  I paid for these apps so I can't give up... but honestly I want to delete them already. I really fucking hate dating and until I can change my attitude about that, I don't think it will become a fun experience.

Focus

My focus has been absolute shit recently and I need to regain control, I'm hoping writing now before work will help me. I haven't cried yet since I sent Him that last text about no need to reschedule. I keep waiting to fall apart a little bit... it's been four years of holding on to this idea of a someday with Him and I'm finally really trying to let go. I know what I want out of a relationship, and that situation isn't fucking it. I accepted the bare fucking minimum from Him and why? I know I thought it was temporary, I know I thought it was worth waiting through the hard to get to the other side, where he would have room for me. He may be the most compatible person I've been with so far, but that doesn't make him the last one.  I wonder if he's surprised by me bailing and not wanting to see him... I'm definitely surprising myself. I checked the stats of my blog to him this morning and unless someone else reads it... he has checked it what looks like every day since I sent that text. God I wish I had an option to know what was going on in his head like he has had with mine. Part of me is kinda annoyed I finally decided to use my fucking brain before we fucked again... but honestly what good would that have been. What good could come from being reminded how easy it is to be with him. I want friendship, passion, and commitment. It's like I said years ago, those three main realms, physical, emotional, and intellectual. I know we have all three but he has to want it too and there's nothing I can do to make him. I don't have any desire to go back to that place of not feeling like a enough. All I've ever wanted was to be loved for being me and to love them back freely. I hope I don't have to wait too much longer for that person to show up. I'm tired. Just all of me is tired to my core.

It's a good life

I typically would like to not write at work... but I've been distracted all day. I'm tired too, so I know that's impacting... and I feel a little overwhelmed by all that I need to do so I'm doing that whole welp just don't start it haha ugh. Life really can change quickly all of a sudden. A few days after my last entry here, I had written again in the blog that He reads, and woke up to an email from him. It was mostly an apology, about everything and to make sure I knew that he cared about me and to say thank you for being there for him.  He made it clear though that he wasn't trying to start anything back up again, but that he wasn't sure what I wanted and needed. We texted for a bit and I said I needed an actual goodbye, and the opportunity to talk through how things went from my first weekend home back in December to his birthday. That it felt like there were things going on, on his end that he wasn't sharing with me that resulted in me being blindsided. I said I wanted to know what mistakes I made so I didn't make them again in my life... He said that it all boiled down to the fact that his heart and soul weren't in it and that mine were and that it wasn't fair to keep it going. That he had, and still has a lot of shit to take care of before he can be in another relationship and that I certainly didn't do anything wrong. At that point meeting up didn't feel necessary and I said I was sorry I didn't know how to be his friend and that maybe I'd see him at a colleague's happy hour the following week. 

I couldn't believe he walked right up to me so fucking nonchalant and went in for a hug. It was really nice to hangout in a group like that, felt like old times. Things got real flirty that night via text and I let myself be a bit reckless. It was fun and exciting to feel wanted by Him. We made plans to get lunch this week, but I bailed. I guess I've finally reached the stage of acceptance in this whole grief process. I love this man, and I want him to be my person, but just because I want it, doesn't make it good for me. He may have been in the wrong to bring me into his life on multiple occasions, but it was always my choice to let him into mine. When I told him I didn't see a point to rescheduling, I ended it saying that our lives are the sum of our own choices and that I need to make better choices. And holding on to the hope of a someday with him, that is a choice, and one that I no longer want to choose because I don't deserve this sadness. I have done so much since my divorce to make my life something I'm proud of and don't want to run away from. I don't know who is in my future, and that definitely gives me discomfort, I want answers, I want to know that I'm going to live this life I picture of a family.   But I guess the real struggle is to just keep working at living in the now, not ruminating on the past, or worrying about the future. Right now, it's a good life. I genuinely love my job, I love living alone, I love my CAT. YES. I got a cat :)

I have a mental to do list that I'm afraid to turn into a real list, but I really should just do it and start crossing shit off. It's ok that I still love him, and miss him, I may always feel that way, but I don't need to keep letting that situation prevent me from being happy about everything else. It's ok I don't want to date or have any desire to meet people, it'll eventually come back, most likely when someone worthwhile presents themselves and I think that's a good head space to be in. A grand love awaits me, just gotta get better at that whole patience thing...