Focus

My focus has been absolute shit recently and I need to regain control, I'm hoping writing now before work will help me. I haven't cried yet since I sent Him that last text about no need to reschedule. I keep waiting to fall apart a little bit... it's been four years of holding on to this idea of a someday with Him and I'm finally really trying to let go. I know what I want out of a relationship, and that situation isn't fucking it. I accepted the bare fucking minimum from Him and why? I know I thought it was temporary, I know I thought it was worth waiting through the hard to get to the other side, where he would have room for me. He may be the most compatible person I've been with so far, but that doesn't make him the last one.  I wonder if he's surprised by me bailing and not wanting to see him... I'm definitely surprising myself. I checked the stats of my blog to him this morning and unless someone else reads it... he has checked it what looks like every day since I sent that text. God I wish I had an option to know what was going on in his head like he has had with mine. Part of me is kinda annoyed I finally decided to use my fucking brain before we fucked again... but honestly what good would that have been. What good could come from being reminded how easy it is to be with him. I want friendship, passion, and commitment. It's like I said years ago, those three main realms, physical, emotional, and intellectual. I know we have all three but he has to want it too and there's nothing I can do to make him. I don't have any desire to go back to that place of not feeling like a enough. All I've ever wanted was to be loved for being me and to love them back freely. I hope I don't have to wait too much longer for that person to show up. I'm tired. Just all of me is tired to my core.

It's a good life

I typically would like to not write at work... but I've been distracted all day. I'm tired too, so I know that's impacting... and I feel a little overwhelmed by all that I need to do so I'm doing that whole welp just don't start it haha ugh. Life really can change quickly all of a sudden. A few days after my last entry here, I had written again in the blog that He reads, and woke up to an email from him. It was mostly an apology, about everything and to make sure I knew that he cared about me and to say thank you for being there for him.  He made it clear though that he wasn't trying to start anything back up again, but that he wasn't sure what I wanted and needed. We texted for a bit and I said I needed an actual goodbye, and the opportunity to talk through how things went from my first weekend home back in December to his birthday. That it felt like there were things going on, on his end that he wasn't sharing with me that resulted in me being blindsided. I said I wanted to know what mistakes I made so I didn't make them again in my life... He said that it all boiled down to the fact that his heart and soul weren't in it and that mine were and that it wasn't fair to keep it going. That he had, and still has a lot of shit to take care of before he can be in another relationship and that I certainly didn't do anything wrong. At that point meeting up didn't feel necessary and I said I was sorry I didn't know how to be his friend and that maybe I'd see him at a colleague's happy hour the following week. 

I couldn't believe he walked right up to me so fucking nonchalant and went in for a hug. It was really nice to hangout in a group like that, felt like old times. Things got real flirty that night via text and I let myself be a bit reckless. It was fun and exciting to feel wanted by Him. We made plans to get lunch this week, but I bailed. I guess I've finally reached the stage of acceptance in this whole grief process. I love this man, and I want him to be my person, but just because I want it, doesn't make it good for me. He may have been in the wrong to bring me into his life on multiple occasions, but it was always my choice to let him into mine. When I told him I didn't see a point to rescheduling, I ended it saying that our lives are the sum of our own choices and that I need to make better choices. And holding on to the hope of a someday with him, that is a choice, and one that I no longer want to choose because I don't deserve this sadness. I have done so much since my divorce to make my life something I'm proud of and don't want to run away from. I don't know who is in my future, and that definitely gives me discomfort, I want answers, I want to know that I'm going to live this life I picture of a family.   But I guess the real struggle is to just keep working at living in the now, not ruminating on the past, or worrying about the future. Right now, it's a good life. I genuinely love my job, I love living alone, I love my CAT. YES. I got a cat :)

I have a mental to do list that I'm afraid to turn into a real list, but I really should just do it and start crossing shit off. It's ok that I still love him, and miss him, I may always feel that way, but I don't need to keep letting that situation prevent me from being happy about everything else. It's ok I don't want to date or have any desire to meet people, it'll eventually come back, most likely when someone worthwhile presents themselves and I think that's a good head space to be in. A grand love awaits me, just gotta get better at that whole patience thing...