Distracted

I haven't been focused at work ALL week so far and it's a fucking problem. Over the weekend the Jew told me he wanted to date with the intention of things becoming a relationship and I told him that I had asked for space from my  FWB aka Him...I also ended up asking the Jew if he wanted to be my plus one to my college friend's wedding in May. It's the first time I'm bringing a date in 5 years... I'm excited about it, I really am, and I really like hanging out with him, but how much of this is just a distraction?

I can't decide how much time I'm supposed to take away from Him before I try being his friend. I'm already starting to have thoughts of what's the point of being friends, are we even friends? So much of our interactions lately were sexual in nature... remove that, what's left? I've been having thoughts of lust isn't love, and maybe that's all it ever was. Thoughts of, someone loving you, but not enough to be with you, isn't anything special at all so why do you want that person in your life? I feel lighter than I have in months, I really do, but I am also sad at the idea of him not being in my life.  I really don't know if I want or can manage to be a platonic friend to Him, but I guess I should at least try, like I told him I would. I feel myself diminishing everything that we ever were and I don't know why... I don't know if it's my defense mechanism to help me let go of this someday I've wanted so badly nearly 5 years now. There's thoughts telling me he doesn't even care that we're not talking right now... that he never wanted anything other than sex anyways. But then at the same time I find myself reading through old emails. I read one I sent him in December of 2014... I actually don't even know if he ever got it or if it was after he finally blocked me... there's so much I don't know about from his side of this that has happened over the years.

While living out in San Diego my best friend out there introduced me to the world of numerology, I mostly thought it was crap especially when I have a twin brother some of our shit is the same and we're SO different... but I did find it interesting, and I do see number patterns ALL the time. Last summer when I was still missing Him something awful I started seeing 11:11 EVERYWHERE. And then in my facebook feed the page titled twin flames 11:11 started popping up, so eventually I clicked and began the rabbit hole of twin flames. There's a lot in that community that resonates... there's a lot of me that thinks He is my twin flame, but that's also tied into this spiritual community that believes in source energy and reincarnation and all these things that resonate with me, but also make me feel crazy.

The other day, actually the day that pushed me to talk to Him about whether or not he could at least be open to the possibilities, I had noticed that this blog was being read, and I initially thought it was Him reading it and it put me in such a panic. But then I noticed the location was Portugal. And then a few days later another video of Christina Lopes popped up in my YouTube recommended, I had watched some of her older videos over the summer about twin flames, but she had put new ones up, which I finally watched yesterday because I putzed around on her site over the weekend and learned she has a clinical background and now lives in Portugal which all just felt like a fucking sign.  If someone with her background has experienced the Twin Flame connection and is all into this higher self stuff and source stuff... maybe I'm not so crazy for thinking it's real... and when she mentioned the woman who runs the twin flames 11:11 blog as one of her trusted teachers it hit me hard.

So if it's real, and He's my Twin Flame, but I'm so tired of waiting, so tired of His actions making me feel like I am not enough, is it so wrong to have some happiness with the Jew, even if it may not turn into a lasting relationship? Is that unfair to him? Will I just hurt him? Do I just need to end it and continue figuring my shit out on my own? I don't know... I feel lost and distracted and I can't really afford to be so fucking distracted right now. 

My choice

The day after my last post I ended up telling Him just having fun wasn't enough for me and that if he couldn't even open the door to the possibilities, that I need to just be friends and to do that, I need some space first. I miss Him a lot already...I definitely did let Him become my person again. But I don't feel as sad and I'm sure it's because this time it's my choice... This time I'm trying to walk away from it because it's not what I want. All of a sudden it feels so fucking dumb that I've been giving Him relationship benefits without being in a relationship. Things with the Jew are progressing and I'm excited to see where it goes. I already feel so much lighter, closer to how I felt over the summer when I was on my adventure trip. I feel like I spend enough time away from Him and I eventually get back to a place of higher vibrations, just happy with my life. Every time He has popped back in the last two years he brings me down into this place of limbo and it really sucks there. I don't like the way it makes me feel about myself, I don't like the way it eventually causes me to be so distracted from my life that I start to lose motivation. I haven't felt present in my life for months now, I could only ever be present while I was with Him and that sure as shit isn't healthy.

I'm really going to try this time to be friends, I have no idea how that will go... I'm really skeptical if I can be in his presence and not want to touch Him...I'm trying to give myself some space from Him to decompress from the disappointment and allow myself to focus on what's happening with the Jew. Maybe in a few weeks I'll reach out and test the waters. Feels so ridiculous to be fighting with myself every time I want to talk to Him... I've lost track how many times I've opened our Gchat thread, typed something or screenshotted something to send Him and then didn't. I want to break these habits... I can't give Him all that energy anymore.

I'm sad for sure...and have cried a lot this week, but I feel good about this choice. We get what we accept and I know I want more. I tried to be ok with a FWB situation, but I have always known that would never be what I wanted. I know we love each other, but I need more than that, I want a partner and I wished so badly for it to be Him, but no wishing of mine will ever make Him want to try again. He's the only one who can get himself to that point, and maybe if we're lucky that Someday will happen, but I'm tired of feeling so alone. I'd much prefer to give my time and energy to someone who wants it.

I want more...

I've been thinking a lot about why I was going to go through with a night at PGC with Him, a guy I've met once, and P2, a girl I barely know and most likely partake in group sex even though the idea of seeing Him be intimate with someone else was giving me anxiety. I was definitely fearful that seeing that would hurt me and I wasn't sure how it would impact how I feel about Him. But then part of me was like well it's good we're nothing real, if it cuts me deeply then perhaps finally I can be free of this, and perhaps it's better to experience this sort of thing where a relationship with potential for a future together isn't at stake. I guess my line of thought was either I really enjoy it and it's just one more fun memory with Him, I hate it and can't follow through and I can just leave, or I follow through but it's harder than I thought, the images are burned in my brain and my feelings are irrevocably changed, but then I'll also be free.

Even after He bailed, I considered going because I thought hey get this group thing checked off with people I don't have feelings for, awesome. But I cancelled to study and I think maybe I was also motivated to cancel by the fact that this frisbee dudes birthday is today and part of me feels it's a douchebag thing to have group sex without him especially if we eventually date. I guess I need to give him a name at this point... he says Oy Vey super frequently...may be insensitive, but let's call him the Jew. He asked me to think about committing to being each other's primary partners, since he knows about Him... I'm seeing him Sunday and I know we're going to talk about what that means and I'm afraid what it'll mean for me and Him. Maybe part of why I was still game for tonight was cuz I'm afraid I'm running out of time with Him...

It has been so nice to have him back in my life, and to chat everyday and to have seen him weekly for two months now. He keeps saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship and yet there's lots of elements of a relationship...but it's not the same as it once was. He has used the phrase "dead end" so much I think I have internalized it, and so now things have started to feel like a waste of my time and it's making me sad. I never wanted to give up on us but more and more it feels like there isn't another option. I love spending time with Him... So many of my happiest moments are with Him and our love used to feel so special,  but now He apologizes for being "dead inside"... What does that mean to him? Does he not feel anything when we're together?  I miss knowing there was a mutuality to us... I miss stupid shit like Him calling me gorgeous girl, or just even acknowledging I look nice... I literally can't remember the last time he complimented me outside of dirty  talk. It feels so one sided now, and there is nothing special about that.

Nearly two years ago...it was very easy to accept not feeling like he was all the way in it with me because of his circumstances, like I could always easily say if things were different, he'd be all in, he'd be choosing me right back. That line of thinking feels so childish now... I'm not sure if at any point in our torrid history He has ever actually chosen me back the way I chose him, the way I decided he was worth it. When He has stayed so stagnant in his life, it doesn't feel circumstantial anymore, it just feels like him not making a choice. I just wanted a shot at finding out if we were actually good for each other the way I've always been able to see so easily...I really would be ok with continuing to see each other and spend time together in secret until I felt like we really could have something real and worthwhile and then I'd have the desire to bring him into my life and would want to be brought into his. But that doesn't feel like it's even on the table.

Even though at this point I don't want kids which makes getting married seem stupid, and truly believe I may be happy continuing to live alone, I still ultimately want a partner to share my life with. If there's not a chance for that person to be Him, then what the fuck is the point anymore...the extra memories were nice... But I hate feeling stagnant and maybe with the Jew I've got a shot at finding that partner...or at least it will help me let go of Him by really trying with someone else. Maybe being reminded of what it's like when someone is in it with you will help me not want to settle for the situation He is offering me.