Y

Well of course I would get an email from him shortly after my last entry... apparently him and Gray spoke last Saturday about how we're no longer talking but Gray came off as mad at him and He spent the rest of the weekend brooding over it all and then reached out to me to find out exactly what went down. Seems like he had totally created a much worse scenario in his head, but he is clearly still hurt by Gray's decision to continue talking to me... we ended up chatting on google hangouts for a while that night after I emailed him back giving as much information as I could.  We once again have made plans to get together and I'm not going to bail this time, three times is just rude. So right now I'm trying to get right in my head why I'm allowing this to happen because I know it doesn't mean he wants to be with me.  I guess I'm trying to think of this as the goodbye I never got? The chance to know that the last time is the last time even if none of me will want it to be the last time. I have never regretted any of the time I've spent with him so I guess I'm just banking on that staying true.  I've been so sad, for so long, what is the harm in one night of fun? In one night of pretending I still have Him in my life. I know it's hard to keep my thoughts and hopes in check, and I want to talk about this with someone, but everyone in my life will talk me out of it and I don't want that. I think I deserve to have one last good memory. I don't understand why he no longer thinks we're worth all the hard, but that doesn't make my feelings for him change in the slightest so why not take advantage of one more night to love him freely. 

Frame of Mind

I wish I didn't still cry because of Him. But I do. It's not everyday anymore, which thank fucking god, but it's often enough to make me somewhat mad at myself for it. He contacted me again recently, and we almost had a night together.. I really wanted it, but luckily I had therapy in between and she really didn't talk me out of it, but just reminded me about all the progress I've made despite this regression I've experienced since he reached out at the end of August. We ended up having a phone conversation after I cancelled... It was nice, but terribly sad and I called out of work the next day. It was nice to hear his voice, and his laugh, and that he misses me too... but it was hard to hear his response when I asked if we ever had a shot or had we always been doomed. He seems to have convinced himself that us would always be hard...the kids thing is real... but I think the rest of his fears are kinda bullshit. It's incredible how all these feelings I have for this man are just still here, the time has done nothing to them, nor all the hurt he has caused me, and how can that be? Am I that delusional? Or do I simply just love Him unconditionally and once you get to that point with someone there's no turning back. I recently decided that I just need to put him in the same basket as my dad. A person I love, who is important to me, but is not a regular entity in my life, is not someone I rely on for anything, and a person I long ago accepted will never give me emotionally what I wish they could, but I'm always grateful for the time we do get. I blocked his number on my phone, I can't keep myself open to random contact, it just unravels me. But I know I will be genuinely happy to see him at a happy hour so hopefully one of those will be happening soon.

I was supposed to have my first date in well over a year this past Saturday but the guy bailed to go to a sixers game with his brother, which honestly I would have done the same. Not sure it'll ever get rescheduled, have since learned he is a morning person, which is an immediate turn off hahah. Have a date this Friday with a guy I met during a project I did for grad school. I really like him as a person, and he says he wants something low key.... I don't think I'd ever want to actually date him. Can't decide if it's worth getting entangled in, but like one date doesn't feel like a bad idea. Might be nice for my first first date in fucking forever to be with someone I actually know.  I paid for these apps so I can't give up... but honestly I want to delete them already. I really fucking hate dating and until I can change my attitude about that, I don't think it will become a fun experience.