Welp we've made plans to see each other again this Friday. I'm trying to make sense of myself honestly. Part of me feels like the odds of things ever working out for us are dwindling, and I'm running out of opportunities to spend time with Him and I have this gut feeling if I waste those opportunities now, I'll regret it later in life. I just don't want any regrets... I guess the whole thing makes me think about this Wiccan line of thought, "An ye harm none, do what ye will" but perhaps I'm supposed to take into account if it harms me. I got really low recently as captured by my entry "Lost" but I honestly don't think that was purely a result of seeing him. I think it had more to do with what went down with Burdman at that concert...He got SO fucking drunk, it triggered me back to nights out with my Sailor in a bad way...especially when I tried to tell him he didn't need anymore drinks and he forcibly grabbed my wrists and twisted them until it kinda hurt and I said fine but you're getting it yourself. Eventually he ended up getting stupid flirty with me and was not reacting well when I was rebuking him and I got nervous about him making a scene, so I just kinda let him do his thing which then resulted in him just being affectionate, treating me like I was his girlfriend, putting his arms around me, holding my hand. It was a nice a feeling, especially because during the beginning of the show I started to cry during a song that made me think of Him and how that time the year before He and I had been at a concert together...lately I've had a hard time with remembering how things were last year versus what they're like now... It's been bumming me the fuck out...
Sometimes I think if Burdman didn't have a drinking problem, we probably would have tried dating... but it just totally prevents me from seeing him in that light. But yea...we cuddled a lot that night, it was so nice to wake up next to someone and to feel cared about. I really think that's what sent me off the deep end more than anything else.
I guess there's this part of me that believes that I'm going to end up happy, whether it be with Him or someone else. That most likely the trajectory will be that we continue to see each other every once in a while, all the while I'll keep making strides forward in putting myself back out there, and eventually I'll meet someone worthwhile. As I start to invest in that, I'll have less room for Him, and I'll stop reaching out. Maybe he'll notice, but he won't say anything, he's always been so much better about keeping distance than I ever have. Time will pass, and we'll probably see each other at some function, and it'll be nice to see him and we'll chat, and it'll come up that I'm dating someone, and he'll say he's happy for me, and I'll say thanks and if I'm lucky, then it'll finally be done. But in my life, it probably won't actually be done.
He'll tell himself he has no right to be jealous even though he will be, and maybe he'll try a little harder at dating where as before he was just having fun not really caring too much. But when He starts to evaluate the people he's meeting as actual life partners, He'll remember what he knew all those years ago, that anyone lucky enough to have me, is a fucking moron to lose me. Maybe he'll leave me be, but maybe he'll be brave and he'll reach out. If our someday is meant to be, it won't be too late, but just maybe I'll be genuinely happy with someone who has never taken me for granted.
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