Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Just a look

I really fucking hope this is our last late game... I'm wide awake and it's just after 1. I really do want to stick to this bedtime of 11... I don't really know what I want right now. I was so over everything by the end of last weekend, I really didn't want to see Him and that was such a bizarre feeling. I kinda thought he was just gonna let things be over but instead he asked what I need and told me he wasn't going to just disappear again. He ended up coming over the next morning and getting time with Him made everything better, I felt so good the rest of that day aside from being exhausted. I remember falling asleep happy and feeling loved by him for the first time in a year. It was nice. But then a conversation went sideways on Friday right before we were meeting up with this girl that I guess I'll call the Party Planner? Too many syllables...P2 will do. But yeah He basically made it clear this is nothing more than FWB for him where I very much was operating from the belief of it being closer to an open relationship. It kinda crushed me but I did my best to put that all aside to enjoy meeting P2. But once I got home I let myself fall apart and ended up crying myself to sleep all while trying to nonchalantly reply to His infrequent messages. We were supposed to meet another couple this past Saturday but I so wasn't feeling it when I woke up... Waited an hour and when I still had no desire I cancelled. I wasn't sure if He would still want to hang out but he was game and we ended up having a really nice night.

But he's right...all this time together has zapped my desire to date and meet other people and I told Him as much today and said that we need to stop seeing each other so frequently if FWB is all it is. It's so frustrating for him to tell me that all he wants is for me to be happy and yet what would make the happiest would be the opportunity to actually try at being together. He's still super cynical about relationships in general but also believes he's a dead end for me. I don't think He understands just how fucking pointless interacting with other men feels to me.  So many times I've let his fears and actions cause me to believe what we have isn't the beautifully rare and deeply real connection that it is.  I know it's dramatic, but I'd be lying to say there isn't a part of me that believes either I get to love and be with Him, otherwise it'll be no one. It's been years and I cannot find a way to let go of him enough to actually be with someone else. Anyone I've tried to actually date always felt it...always sensed that not all of my heart was available. I tried to explain to Him why he's worth waiting for but I'm sure he just dismissed me.

I thought a lot about what have been the major differences across the years in how we both have had to deal with "us". I just want to understand how the man that loved me so wholly 4.5 years ago could also be the one who doesn't give a fuck if he loses me. He told me when he first reached out March of 2017 that he had tried to hate me to get over me...I guess I tried that as well but never even came close, but then realized that when I finally decided to let go fall of 2016 I accepted that I loved Him, that I would have given anything to have seen us through, but that would never be my reality because he was happy, and that's all that really mattered. So I did my best to pretend he didn't exist cuz that was the only way I could maybe love another.

For Him though, his choice to save his marriage meant he wasn't allowed to love me. And when I think about when he reached out that March, and again at the end of that summer, those were times where he was either hurt and mad enough, or had created enough space from his Wife to no longer care about being allowed or not allowed to love me. He wonders why he doesn't feel the way he did and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he spent years conditioning himself to ignore his feelings for me, and then got really fucking hurt in his marriage so he's got walls up from that as well. Until he gets to a place where he no longer cares about what his wife thinks or the consequences of engaging in things that'll piss her off, I think there will always be a tinge of this feeling of it not being allowed thus always keeping me at arm's length.

When everything started neither of us was looking for love, he just wanted to help me, and I was just grateful and we both were just open, neither had their guard up, cuz there was no reason to back then, and so I think that's part of why we fell the way we did. Now there's all sorts of reasons for each of us to close off parts of ourselves from each other...reasons due to our history, and reasons due to our traumas from others. But I think why I'm continually more open, while my personality is a large part, is because I never really did close off myself from the love I have for him. But it seems that's exactly what he wants me to do, but I wonder if he's really gonna be ok when that happens. I know he loves the way I look at Him, but just like my First and my Sailor learned, that look is for the person I'm in love with. While I still have love for them, and I know I will always have love  for Him, they both commented at some point that I don't look at them the same way that I used to, and I wonder will he notice that too.

Friday, January 18, 2019

How Ironic

I knew it would be harder when there were no set plans... I saw Him briefly last night but he didn't end up coming over and I definitely was disappointed, but he was quick to message me to apologize and suggest dirty texting later, and we ended up at least getting to chat on the phone which was nice. Found out he's been on a few dates, and it definitely hurt, but not as much as I thought it would, perhaps I am doing a good job putting him into this box of not a real option for me. A place where I'm accepting there's no future, he will never be what I hoped him to be. It makes me kinda sad to think about it that way, but what else is there to do. I feel myself detaching, slowly but surely and I already know how much I don't enjoy meaningless sex and it feels like that's where this is headed. I mean it's what I think I was after when I decided to engage in this, for Him to become just another dude in the mix and get to this place where I can write him off like the rest because they can't offer what I want. It was funny to hear Him talk about it being a waste of time when things won't work out regarding how boring this girl is, perhaps he can more fully understand my frustrations with him and whatever the fuck we've been doing these past four years. Also was reminded of conversations with Density when he would talk about what he was looking for and he'd basically describe me and internally I'd be like are you fucking dumb, I'm right fucking here and you know I'm open to exploring something between us... but now I'm in this place with Density where I can see he does have a lot of the things I'm looking for, I wasn't wrong about the potential and compatibility I saw, but HOLY SHIT is he needy in a relationship, he needs a lot of time with his person and a lot of communication, and I am far too independent for that and I guess he always sensed that and that's why he never made a move. I mean kudos to him, we have a great friendship that I cherish.

I mean I know I need quality time with people to continue feeling connected, and I need more communication when I don't feel secure in something... but idk, when I'm settled in a situation I can be so laid back and hands off.  Perhaps He and I can actually find ourselves in friendship especially when I no longer feel that physical pull to him because I'll have someone that I care about, who also cares about me to meet those needs, and it just really always is better when there's that emotional and intellectual connection on top of the physical. I guess He and I will always have the physical, but the intellectual isn't where it used to be cuz I think throughout this nonsense I've lost respect and trust for him, I know that I mean the things I say, and I do the things I say I will, but there's never been a lot of follow through with him on anything. I realized today that right about now is when we first met each other 7 years ago, which means I've now known him longer than I knew my Sailor. What a weird truth.... but yea I can feel the emotional connection severely weakening cuz even though I really don't think intense love ever dies, I think it really does lessen when you stop feeding it and he hasn't done anything in a long time now that has made me feel loved. Like he said that he does a few times across the conversations we've had these past few months, but honestly His words no longer mean much of anything to me.  I kinda figured this would persist until I got physically involved with someone new, and maybe that is still how it will play out, but I feel myself putting up walls...Monday was rough finding out about a dear childhood friend's father passing, and I'm going to the viewing tonight, and it's gonna be sad as fuck... but yea that's the sort of thing I would normally want to talk about with my person and I think I wouldn't have minded sharing my feelings about with Him, cuz I did last night, but I didn't feel the urge to share like I normally would have... I said it without really thinking last night that all the things I want to explore, and at the time I was referencing sexual escapades, but I mean it for life in general, I'm going to do them with or without Him, and I guess feeling how true that is has me in this head space of does He bring more good than bad to my life? And the fact that I'm having a hard time believing he's worth my energy when I know I used to be able to say without hesitation that the complicatedness of Him was always worth it, is a big fucking deal. How ironic that how things are with Him right now seem to finally be what he wants but it's making me no longer want him.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Surrender

I haven't had the need to write as much lately, which means I'm not as sad, which hey that's always good news and progress, I guess right now I just have a lot going on in my head that I need to do a brain dump. First off, NYE with BDG was a confusing night for me... it was a really nice time, but He wished me a happy new years almost right away and when I noticed it, it felt like it would be wrong of me to reply...so I initially didn't and figured I'd say something the next day, but then while BDG was out walking his dog and smoking, I did text him and then called Burdman. Was still on the phone when he came back and he definitely overheard some of our banter and me talking about dating sites and what not and then was kinda weirded out by me having such a close guy friend and I was like I have a few close guy friends, I play sports and am an engineer... but yea the next day I felt conflicted about how it felt wrong to hear from Him while with BDG and just had no desire to feel like I did when I was still involved with Apricot while also emotionally involved with Him last fall. So I basically attempted to end whatever it is that we've been doing but then for once he actually told me how he was feeling. We had some really good and productive conversations the next few days and I just knew I didn't want it to be over again just yet and I still hadn't made up my mind about BDG anyways so we kinda left it that we can continue things for as long as they don't feel wrong to me and that I'd let him know. But then I stopped putting any effort into things with BDG and at this point we haven't talked in a week and I don't even care...I mean I guess that just means I'm not interested enough to try? Can I truly believe that if I do meet someone I like and see potential with, I will go after it and say goodbye to Him?

I guess I'm struggling with deciding what is it that I need to be doing right now to set myself up for what I ultimately want, but I'm not sure I fully know what it is that I want. I'm still feeling strongly about not wanting kids, it just feels like to move forward with that, I need to want it so much more than I do...thinking about the realities of it just feels irresponsible to me with how much school debt I have and all the plans I have to travel. And with that thought process what point would there be to getting married again? I'm financially independent have my own health care, and make enough that filing jointly doesn't typically help me, so like why go through all that again? I came across some of my wedding photos today and while that day was such a nice day, it was so much work to get to that day, so much that I did alone, and I guess it wouldn't necessarily be like that again, but all of that feels like such a fucking waste of money to me... the rings, the dress, the flowers, all that shit... I'd so much rather put that kind of money towards my debt and travel. I don't even know if I ever want to live with someone again...so many of people's arguments come from financial shit and the responsibilities around the house and just the annoyance that comes with spending too much time with ANYONE no matter how much you like them or how compatible you are... Like having kids it makes a ton of sense to live together, like it's fucking hard doing that alone, but if I don't want that life anymore, why open myself up to those kinds of arguments? So no living with someone, no marriage, no kids, what does that really mean I'm looking for? Simply put I just want someone to love who doesn't make me question if they love me too, a situation where I don't have to hold back, where I'm not betting with myself how long will this round last, where I know it's not foolish of me to think about the future. Will I be able to be open to something like that developing if I'm still engaging with Him? That's what I'm struggling with determining right now...but it's also like if what we're doing right now is enough for me, what's wrong with that?

Like I guess it's not the greatest to have to lie about it, but it feels different this time...I don't feel shame around lying because I think I want it to be a secret as much as He does. My circle is so fucking tired of this story and I don't blame them honestly, and when I know it's just going to end again there is zero fucking point to cluing anyone in on it. I asked my therapist if she thought it was bad that I wasn't telling anyone in my life about it and she was like why do you think it would be? And I was like I'm definitely not in the habit of keeping this kind of a thing to myself, and I pride myself on being open and honest, and she was like you are open and honest but that doesn't mean you can't have private things in your life. I thought a lot about how my levels of openness have changed over time, and I think part of it had been a reaction to what happened in my marriage. I was not very open and honest with my circle about the inner workings of my relationship with my Sailor, and when my circle came out to visit us in Cali every single one of them made a comment along the lines of I don't like the way he treats you... that endeavor caused me a lot of pain and I guess at the end of it I didn't trust my own judgement, and when things imploded with Him the first time and he convinced me it had never been real, that just reinforced the belief I couldn't trust myself. So I think since then I've been so open because I've been relying on other people's input to make decisions, but I don't really feel that way anymore... Now, I know that my gut has ALWAYS been right, I just needed practice trusting it. Talking to Him, spending time with him, never feels wrong to me. Why does something have to have an end goal for it to be worth it? I don't think I believe that it does...but I know being able to talk to Him, and seeing him, totally zapped my motivation to date but I'm still attempting to be open to it...I have a date with a guy from softball next weekend and I'm still chatting with that Woman. There's a few other dudes that I know I would be following up with and perhaps I should force myself to, but the rest of me is like if I have to force myself then is it really what I want? Is it worth it? But I really just don't want to allow myself to get to a place where I'm gonna be fucking devastated when things end again with Him... which I don't really know how to do that, but trying not to have any expectations has been my main focus, but it's hard to juggle that some times when I know I want to see Him and want to feel like he wants to see me too. Probably part of why I feel the need to write right now is I know I'll see him next week for a happy hour... but I don't know the next time we'll have time together and I don't know why not knowing if there will be a next time gets me so off kilter. I guess it's really hard for me to trust and believe that things won't just change over night, because that is always how it has felt in the past...just all of a sudden we apparently weren't on the same page at all and I always felt like a stupid idiot. I don't want to be worried about the "next time" because what it has been, feels right, and I'm happy with it, and I am totally ok with it being a secret, but I know what I ultimately want is someone to share my life with, and you can't really do that with someone who doesn't actually exist in your "real world". Right now I'm trying my best to foster a mindset that will allow me to keep Him in my life when it reaches that point when it's no longer enough for me. I know I am a happier person when I can talk to Him, when I'm allowed to know how he is, and maybe I don't have to give that up, maybe I can find someone who will be understanding of my love for Him and be ok with me maintaining a friendship...

I have felt at war with myself since things ended last year, my heart fighting with my brain and I just don't want to feel that way anymore. The Woman told me about how she likes to set a one word intention for every year to help her focus and I've been thinking about that since I saw her on Monday. A word came to me while I was showering on Friday and I've been mulling it over since then and I think I'm pretty settled on "Surrender". It makes me think about how when you're swimming in the ocean and the waters get rough you can choose to fight the waves, try to stand your ground in the shallower waters where you can still touch the bottom, feeling more secure, or, you can go a little bit deeper where it's easier to just go under them and surrender to the current knowing that with effort you can eventually get yourself back to shore, and with all the energy you save by not trying to go through the damn waves, you should be just fine expelling that effort. Maybe if I just surrender to what is now, and stop worrying so much about the eventual, I can truly be in the happy that is now and happiness always seems to be contagious, perhaps just allowing things to play out and just readjusting to make sure things continue to feel right, is how you get to where you want to be.

Distracted

I haven't been focused at work ALL week so far and it's a fucking problem. Over the weekend the Jew told me he wanted to date with t...