Surrender

I haven't had the need to write as much lately, which means I'm not as sad, which hey that's always good news and progress, I guess right now I just have a lot going on in my head that I need to do a brain dump. First off, NYE with BDG was a confusing night for me... it was a really nice time, but He wished me a happy new years almost right away and when I noticed it, it felt like it would be wrong of me to reply...so I initially didn't and figured I'd say something the next day, but then while BDG was out walking his dog and smoking, I did text him and then called Burdman. Was still on the phone when he came back and he definitely overheard some of our banter and me talking about dating sites and what not and then was kinda weirded out by me having such a close guy friend and I was like I have a few close guy friends, I play sports and am an engineer... but yea the next day I felt conflicted about how it felt wrong to hear from Him while with BDG and just had no desire to feel like I did when I was still involved with Apricot while also emotionally involved with Him last fall. So I basically attempted to end whatever it is that we've been doing but then for once he actually told me how he was feeling. We had some really good and productive conversations the next few days and I just knew I didn't want it to be over again just yet and I still hadn't made up my mind about BDG anyways so we kinda left it that we can continue things for as long as they don't feel wrong to me and that I'd let him know. But then I stopped putting any effort into things with BDG and at this point we haven't talked in a week and I don't even care...I mean I guess that just means I'm not interested enough to try? Can I truly believe that if I do meet someone I like and see potential with, I will go after it and say goodbye to Him?

I guess I'm struggling with deciding what is it that I need to be doing right now to set myself up for what I ultimately want, but I'm not sure I fully know what it is that I want. I'm still feeling strongly about not wanting kids, it just feels like to move forward with that, I need to want it so much more than I do...thinking about the realities of it just feels irresponsible to me with how much school debt I have and all the plans I have to travel. And with that thought process what point would there be to getting married again? I'm financially independent have my own health care, and make enough that filing jointly doesn't typically help me, so like why go through all that again? I came across some of my wedding photos today and while that day was such a nice day, it was so much work to get to that day, so much that I did alone, and I guess it wouldn't necessarily be like that again, but all of that feels like such a fucking waste of money to me... the rings, the dress, the flowers, all that shit... I'd so much rather put that kind of money towards my debt and travel. I don't even know if I ever want to live with someone again...so many of people's arguments come from financial shit and the responsibilities around the house and just the annoyance that comes with spending too much time with ANYONE no matter how much you like them or how compatible you are... Like having kids it makes a ton of sense to live together, like it's fucking hard doing that alone, but if I don't want that life anymore, why open myself up to those kinds of arguments? So no living with someone, no marriage, no kids, what does that really mean I'm looking for? Simply put I just want someone to love who doesn't make me question if they love me too, a situation where I don't have to hold back, where I'm not betting with myself how long will this round last, where I know it's not foolish of me to think about the future. Will I be able to be open to something like that developing if I'm still engaging with Him? That's what I'm struggling with determining right now...but it's also like if what we're doing right now is enough for me, what's wrong with that?

Like I guess it's not the greatest to have to lie about it, but it feels different this time...I don't feel shame around lying because I think I want it to be a secret as much as He does. My circle is so fucking tired of this story and I don't blame them honestly, and when I know it's just going to end again there is zero fucking point to cluing anyone in on it. I asked my therapist if she thought it was bad that I wasn't telling anyone in my life about it and she was like why do you think it would be? And I was like I'm definitely not in the habit of keeping this kind of a thing to myself, and I pride myself on being open and honest, and she was like you are open and honest but that doesn't mean you can't have private things in your life. I thought a lot about how my levels of openness have changed over time, and I think part of it had been a reaction to what happened in my marriage. I was not very open and honest with my circle about the inner workings of my relationship with my Sailor, and when my circle came out to visit us in Cali every single one of them made a comment along the lines of I don't like the way he treats you... that endeavor caused me a lot of pain and I guess at the end of it I didn't trust my own judgement, and when things imploded with Him the first time and he convinced me it had never been real, that just reinforced the belief I couldn't trust myself. So I think since then I've been so open because I've been relying on other people's input to make decisions, but I don't really feel that way anymore... Now, I know that my gut has ALWAYS been right, I just needed practice trusting it. Talking to Him, spending time with him, never feels wrong to me. Why does something have to have an end goal for it to be worth it? I don't think I believe that it does...but I know being able to talk to Him, and seeing him, totally zapped my motivation to date but I'm still attempting to be open to it...I have a date with a guy from softball next weekend and I'm still chatting with that Woman. There's a few other dudes that I know I would be following up with and perhaps I should force myself to, but the rest of me is like if I have to force myself then is it really what I want? Is it worth it? But I really just don't want to allow myself to get to a place where I'm gonna be fucking devastated when things end again with Him... which I don't really know how to do that, but trying not to have any expectations has been my main focus, but it's hard to juggle that some times when I know I want to see Him and want to feel like he wants to see me too. Probably part of why I feel the need to write right now is I know I'll see him next week for a happy hour... but I don't know the next time we'll have time together and I don't know why not knowing if there will be a next time gets me so off kilter. I guess it's really hard for me to trust and believe that things won't just change over night, because that is always how it has felt in the past...just all of a sudden we apparently weren't on the same page at all and I always felt like a stupid idiot. I don't want to be worried about the "next time" because what it has been, feels right, and I'm happy with it, and I am totally ok with it being a secret, but I know what I ultimately want is someone to share my life with, and you can't really do that with someone who doesn't actually exist in your "real world". Right now I'm trying my best to foster a mindset that will allow me to keep Him in my life when it reaches that point when it's no longer enough for me. I know I am a happier person when I can talk to Him, when I'm allowed to know how he is, and maybe I don't have to give that up, maybe I can find someone who will be understanding of my love for Him and be ok with me maintaining a friendship...

I have felt at war with myself since things ended last year, my heart fighting with my brain and I just don't want to feel that way anymore. The Woman told me about how she likes to set a one word intention for every year to help her focus and I've been thinking about that since I saw her on Monday. A word came to me while I was showering on Friday and I've been mulling it over since then and I think I'm pretty settled on "Surrender". It makes me think about how when you're swimming in the ocean and the waters get rough you can choose to fight the waves, try to stand your ground in the shallower waters where you can still touch the bottom, feeling more secure, or, you can go a little bit deeper where it's easier to just go under them and surrender to the current knowing that with effort you can eventually get yourself back to shore, and with all the energy you save by not trying to go through the damn waves, you should be just fine expelling that effort. Maybe if I just surrender to what is now, and stop worrying so much about the eventual, I can truly be in the happy that is now and happiness always seems to be contagious, perhaps just allowing things to play out and just readjusting to make sure things continue to feel right, is how you get to where you want to be.