How Ironic

I knew it would be harder when there were no set plans... I saw Him briefly last night but he didn't end up coming over and I definitely was disappointed, but he was quick to message me to apologize and suggest dirty texting later, and we ended up at least getting to chat on the phone which was nice. Found out he's been on a few dates, and it definitely hurt, but not as much as I thought it would, perhaps I am doing a good job putting him into this box of not a real option for me. A place where I'm accepting there's no future, he will never be what I hoped him to be. It makes me kinda sad to think about it that way, but what else is there to do. I feel myself detaching, slowly but surely and I already know how much I don't enjoy meaningless sex and it feels like that's where this is headed. I mean it's what I think I was after when I decided to engage in this, for Him to become just another dude in the mix and get to this place where I can write him off like the rest because they can't offer what I want. It was funny to hear Him talk about it being a waste of time when things won't work out regarding how boring this girl is, perhaps he can more fully understand my frustrations with him and whatever the fuck we've been doing these past four years. Also was reminded of conversations with Density when he would talk about what he was looking for and he'd basically describe me and internally I'd be like are you fucking dumb, I'm right fucking here and you know I'm open to exploring something between us... but now I'm in this place with Density where I can see he does have a lot of the things I'm looking for, I wasn't wrong about the potential and compatibility I saw, but HOLY SHIT is he needy in a relationship, he needs a lot of time with his person and a lot of communication, and I am far too independent for that and I guess he always sensed that and that's why he never made a move. I mean kudos to him, we have a great friendship that I cherish.

I mean I know I need quality time with people to continue feeling connected, and I need more communication when I don't feel secure in something... but idk, when I'm settled in a situation I can be so laid back and hands off.  Perhaps He and I can actually find ourselves in friendship especially when I no longer feel that physical pull to him because I'll have someone that I care about, who also cares about me to meet those needs, and it just really always is better when there's that emotional and intellectual connection on top of the physical. I guess He and I will always have the physical, but the intellectual isn't where it used to be cuz I think throughout this nonsense I've lost respect and trust for him, I know that I mean the things I say, and I do the things I say I will, but there's never been a lot of follow through with him on anything. I realized today that right about now is when we first met each other 7 years ago, which means I've now known him longer than I knew my Sailor. What a weird truth.... but yea I can feel the emotional connection severely weakening cuz even though I really don't think intense love ever dies, I think it really does lessen when you stop feeding it and he hasn't done anything in a long time now that has made me feel loved. Like he said that he does a few times across the conversations we've had these past few months, but honestly His words no longer mean much of anything to me.  I kinda figured this would persist until I got physically involved with someone new, and maybe that is still how it will play out, but I feel myself putting up walls...Monday was rough finding out about a dear childhood friend's father passing, and I'm going to the viewing tonight, and it's gonna be sad as fuck... but yea that's the sort of thing I would normally want to talk about with my person and I think I wouldn't have minded sharing my feelings about with Him, cuz I did last night, but I didn't feel the urge to share like I normally would have... I said it without really thinking last night that all the things I want to explore, and at the time I was referencing sexual escapades, but I mean it for life in general, I'm going to do them with or without Him, and I guess feeling how true that is has me in this head space of does He bring more good than bad to my life? And the fact that I'm having a hard time believing he's worth my energy when I know I used to be able to say without hesitation that the complicatedness of Him was always worth it, is a big fucking deal. How ironic that how things are with Him right now seem to finally be what he wants but it's making me no longer want him.