I really fucking hope this is our last late game... I'm wide awake and it's just after 1. I really do want to stick to this bedtime of 11... I don't really know what I want right now. I was so over everything by the end of last weekend, I really didn't want to see Him and that was such a bizarre feeling. I kinda thought he was just gonna let things be over but instead he asked what I need and told me he wasn't going to just disappear again. He ended up coming over the next morning and getting time with Him made everything better, I felt so good the rest of that day aside from being exhausted. I remember falling asleep happy and feeling loved by him for the first time in a year. It was nice. But then a conversation went sideways on Friday right before we were meeting up with this girl that I guess I'll call the Party Planner? Too many syllables...P2 will do. But yeah He basically made it clear this is nothing more than FWB for him where I very much was operating from the belief of it being closer to an open relationship. It kinda crushed me but I did my best to put that all aside to enjoy meeting P2. But once I got home I let myself fall apart and ended up crying myself to sleep all while trying to nonchalantly reply to His infrequent messages. We were supposed to meet another couple this past Saturday but I so wasn't feeling it when I woke up... Waited an hour and when I still had no desire I cancelled. I wasn't sure if He would still want to hang out but he was game and we ended up having a really nice night.
But he's right...all this time together has zapped my desire to date and meet other people and I told Him as much today and said that we need to stop seeing each other so frequently if FWB is all it is. It's so frustrating for him to tell me that all he wants is for me to be happy and yet what would make the happiest would be the opportunity to actually try at being together. He's still super cynical about relationships in general but also believes he's a dead end for me. I don't think He understands just how fucking pointless interacting with other men feels to me. So many times I've let his fears and actions cause me to believe what we have isn't the beautifully rare and deeply real connection that it is. I know it's dramatic, but I'd be lying to say there isn't a part of me that believes either I get to love and be with Him, otherwise it'll be no one. It's been years and I cannot find a way to let go of him enough to actually be with someone else. Anyone I've tried to actually date always felt it...always sensed that not all of my heart was available. I tried to explain to Him why he's worth waiting for but I'm sure he just dismissed me.
I thought a lot about what have been the major differences across the years in how we both have had to deal with "us". I just want to understand how the man that loved me so wholly 4.5 years ago could also be the one who doesn't give a fuck if he loses me. He told me when he first reached out March of 2017 that he had tried to hate me to get over me...I guess I tried that as well but never even came close, but then realized that when I finally decided to let go fall of 2016 I accepted that I loved Him, that I would have given anything to have seen us through, but that would never be my reality because he was happy, and that's all that really mattered. So I did my best to pretend he didn't exist cuz that was the only way I could maybe love another.
For Him though, his choice to save his marriage meant he wasn't allowed to love me. And when I think about when he reached out that March, and again at the end of that summer, those were times where he was either hurt and mad enough, or had created enough space from his Wife to no longer care about being allowed or not allowed to love me. He wonders why he doesn't feel the way he did and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he spent years conditioning himself to ignore his feelings for me, and then got really fucking hurt in his marriage so he's got walls up from that as well. Until he gets to a place where he no longer cares about what his wife thinks or the consequences of engaging in things that'll piss her off, I think there will always be a tinge of this feeling of it not being allowed thus always keeping me at arm's length.
When everything started neither of us was looking for love, he just wanted to help me, and I was just grateful and we both were just open, neither had their guard up, cuz there was no reason to back then, and so I think that's part of why we fell the way we did. Now there's all sorts of reasons for each of us to close off parts of ourselves from each other...reasons due to our history, and reasons due to our traumas from others. But I think why I'm continually more open, while my personality is a large part, is because I never really did close off myself from the love I have for him. But it seems that's exactly what he wants me to do, but I wonder if he's really gonna be ok when that happens. I know he loves the way I look at Him, but just like my First and my Sailor learned, that look is for the person I'm in love with. While I still have love for them, and I know I will always have love for Him, they both commented at some point that I don't look at them the same way that I used to, and I wonder will he notice that too.
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