I don't fully understand what I'm feeling but I think I'm falling out of love with Him. Everything dies if you don't feed it...I guess this was eventually bound to happen? Or does it have more to do with the fact that I'm tired of waiting, and I just want my right now to be what I want and I already know that he can't offer that? Idk I just have been thinking about how I very much do want a partner, someone to share my life with and to travel with and to grow with... have a future with. For the last two months I just keep saying "he's a FWB with no future" and maybe I finally believe that there really isn't a future someday to hold out for, that this is it, this is all it'll ever be, and while I know I love him, and love our time together, it's mostly a relationship that makes me feel lonely, and what is the point of being in a relationship like that? Maybe all this time I've always believed the man who really loved me all those years ago was who he really is, but I haven't seen much of that man in two years now... so perhaps who he is right now is Him, and honestly I don't feel the same way about this man...
I once thought the world of Him, and I still see a lot of the things I admire about Him, how much he loves his girls, and his dog, and how thoughtful he can be like his gift to his wife and how he's always trying to do the right thing, but I think I nailed it back in May. He is the good man that I know him to be, he just isn't a good man to me, at least not anymore, and I really don't feel good about the odds of that ever changing. I guess I thought I could love him enough to bring him back to me, but how can you bring someone back who doesn't want to come back? All I know is that whatever this once was... it doesn't feel like that anymore, I don't feel loved, it doesn't matter that he has said it... and the times that he has said it recently, it always seems to be when I'm trying to pull away, trying to finally accept that this isn't love anymore.
Right now I don't really want to see Him...but I want to hold out for our plans to go to pleasure garden cuz I do think we'd have a lot of fun there, but I'm worried I won't be able to get out of the current mindset I've found myself in. It all just feels meaningless all of a sudden. I feel like initially, when things became a regular occurrence, even though I knew what was happening didn't really mean anything, that things were not going to progress, it still felt worthwhile to get more time with Him. There were so many days that I wanted to have with Him, so many memories I wanted to make, and I knew that most of them would never happen but maybe I could get some of them, and that would be worth it. But I wanted those memories with someone that I love and who loves me too and I don't think that's what this is... When I used to think of Him all I could ever see was how much fun we would have, how even when it would be hard, we would still be laughing. I don't see anything anymore....god just typing that is making me fucking sob. I don't want this anymore. This doesn't make my heart feel good at all. I think I missed him so much that initially I was just grateful, but now I just have no desire to entertain things in my life that don't make it better. I've worked so hard to escape what I had previously subjected myself to and I don't ever want to feel like I'm in limbo again.
I think maybe after the night we have planned with P2 that'll be it. I'm just breaking my own heart trying to keep Him in my life.
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