The most selfish thing I've ever done

I've wanted to apologize to his wife for years now... I think when things started up again I hoped eventually I'd get the chance to do it in person even though that'd be scary af... but as I feel myself closing myself off from him and wanting to give things a real try with this frisbee guy... maybe I should write her a letter like I've contemplated.... but it's probably best to try and workout all the things I want to say first... so here goes:

Dear *Wife*,

I hope you'll read this with an open mind... I know I'm probably the last person on earth you'd ever want to hear from and I hope this isn't selfish of me reaching out to you.  Even though the things I've done that have caused you pain in your life are of the unforgivable variety, you still very much deserve an apology. One I've wanted to give for years but never knew how...and then I hoped that maybe I'd get the chance to do so in person, even though that'd be scary as fuck to do... still the right thing to do. But as more time passes the chances of that are feeling slim. 

We don't know each other at all and yet I know we both have made countless assumptions about one another over the years. All I do know is that if I could, if I could go back to 25 year old me and shake some fucking sense into her, to make her see that even though my life was chaos, it was so unfair of me to bring a whirlwind of pain into someone else's life, oh I would do it in a heart beat. The pain my actions caused you, is the very same I witnessed my mother endure in my own childhood. I still don't know how I was capable... how I blatantly succumbed to my own desires regardless of consequence. I didn't really think about you at all, all those years ago, but I wish I had, maybe I wouldn't have done the most selfish thing I've ever done if I had. But oh how much I've thought of you since then. When it all first imploded, I wanted to be you, I wanted your life with him, I don't think I've ever felt jealously like that before or since... I've never been a jealous or possessive person, it's a feeling I don't much enjoy. 

To this day, my father has never apologized to my mother for cheating on her, and then married that woman, making life quite the battle. I didn't have a meal with my mother and father until I was 28 years old... it took me getting a god damn masters. I admire the fuck out of you for how hard you tried to keep your family together. Even though I was jealous, I was rooting for you guys, I would never wish my childhood on anyone else. I just need you to know that what happened, you never deserved it, you never did anything to "cause it", and perhaps now after being unfaithful yourself you can understand how little it actually has to do with what your partner did or didn't do...Sometimes you just need something different to feel "the more" and different does not mean better or worse, it's just different, whatever form that may take. 

I hope you know how much that man loves you, and cares about you, and your well being, and your girls. He has his faults, as all of us do, but he's a good one, you weren't wrong about that. When he popped back into my life two years ago we spent a lot of our time talking about you and your girls and how could he make sure that everyone was happy. He may not always be the best at outwardly expressing how he feels, but he's always thinking about you all, and trying his hardest to ensure you have the life you deserve.  I know he really tried to make things right, and was devastated that it wasn't enough.

When it all started I was drowning in my life after leaving an emotionally abusive alcoholic... and it honestly started with a good friend, just trying to be there for me. He didn't pursue me, the crossing of lines was very much a me thing, something I wish I could undo. He gave me a bubble of happy when everything else was so wrong, I'm not sure I would have come out of all that the person I am now without his support during that, it's confusing to be grateful for something that caused such damage.  

I am deeply sorry my existence has been the root of so much pain in your life, if there was a way to make it right, I hope you believe me when I say I would do anything to make that so. And I'm even more sorry that if for any moment, because of my actions, you ever felt like you were not enough, because no one deserves to feel that way. I hope you find peace in all of this mess, and find your way to a happy life, either with him or someone else, that is filled with love because everyone deserves that.