I've been thinking a lot about why I was going to go through with a night at PGC with Him, a guy I've met once, and P2, a girl I barely know and most likely partake in group sex even though the idea of seeing Him be intimate with someone else was giving me anxiety. I was definitely fearful that seeing that would hurt me and I wasn't sure how it would impact how I feel about Him. But then part of me was like well it's good we're nothing real, if it cuts me deeply then perhaps finally I can be free of this, and perhaps it's better to experience this sort of thing where a relationship with potential for a future together isn't at stake. I guess my line of thought was either I really enjoy it and it's just one more fun memory with Him, I hate it and can't follow through and I can just leave, or I follow through but it's harder than I thought, the images are burned in my brain and my feelings are irrevocably changed, but then I'll also be free.
Even after He bailed, I considered going because I thought hey get this group thing checked off with people I don't have feelings for, awesome. But I cancelled to study and I think maybe I was also motivated to cancel by the fact that this frisbee dudes birthday is today and part of me feels it's a douchebag thing to have group sex without him especially if we eventually date. I guess I need to give him a name at this point... he says Oy Vey super frequently...may be insensitive, but let's call him the Jew. He asked me to think about committing to being each other's primary partners, since he knows about Him... I'm seeing him Sunday and I know we're going to talk about what that means and I'm afraid what it'll mean for me and Him. Maybe part of why I was still game for tonight was cuz I'm afraid I'm running out of time with Him...
It has been so nice to have him back in my life, and to chat everyday and to have seen him weekly for two months now. He keeps saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship and yet there's lots of elements of a relationship...but it's not the same as it once was. He has used the phrase "dead end" so much I think I have internalized it, and so now things have started to feel like a waste of my time and it's making me sad. I never wanted to give up on us but more and more it feels like there isn't another option. I love spending time with Him... So many of my happiest moments are with Him and our love used to feel so special, but now He apologizes for being "dead inside"... What does that mean to him? Does he not feel anything when we're together? I miss knowing there was a mutuality to us... I miss stupid shit like Him calling me gorgeous girl, or just even acknowledging I look nice... I literally can't remember the last time he complimented me outside of dirty talk. It feels so one sided now, and there is nothing special about that.
Nearly two years ago...it was very easy to accept not feeling like he was all the way in it with me because of his circumstances, like I could always easily say if things were different, he'd be all in, he'd be choosing me right back. That line of thinking feels so childish now... I'm not sure if at any point in our torrid history He has ever actually chosen me back the way I chose him, the way I decided he was worth it. When He has stayed so stagnant in his life, it doesn't feel circumstantial anymore, it just feels like him not making a choice. I just wanted a shot at finding out if we were actually good for each other the way I've always been able to see so easily...I really would be ok with continuing to see each other and spend time together in secret until I felt like we really could have something real and worthwhile and then I'd have the desire to bring him into my life and would want to be brought into his. But that doesn't feel like it's even on the table.
Even though at this point I don't want kids which makes getting married seem stupid, and truly believe I may be happy continuing to live alone, I still ultimately want a partner to share my life with. If there's not a chance for that person to be Him, then what the fuck is the point anymore...the extra memories were nice... But I hate feeling stagnant and maybe with the Jew I've got a shot at finding that partner...or at least it will help me let go of Him by really trying with someone else. Maybe being reminded of what it's like when someone is in it with you will help me not want to settle for the situation He is offering me.
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