Things with BDG have progressed quickly in the last week. We hung out one on one on Saturday and have plans for tonight. I'm excited and nervous. I'm finally going to be kissed into the New Year and I feel so conflicted about that... I think there was this part of me that felt like maybe I'd had such bad luck with that because He was supposed to be the one to get that "first"... Just a few weeks ago I thought huh maybe going into 2020 is when that will all finally happen and everything will be on it's way to working out how it's always been meant to work out. Right now though I feel the need to cancel our plans on the 11th, after Saturday night and learning more about BDG, and how the last relationship he was involved in ended with SERIOUS cheating, like she apparently was with seven other dudes and had two secret abortions... yikes... he needs exclusivity to continue moving forward and I want to continue moving forward. I spent the night on Saturday and we didn't sleep together, but definitely had fun and I'm super pumped to take that step with him, I definitely could tell we have the kind of chemistry that gets me addicted. A few weeks ago walking home from the Wine & Spirits looking up at the full moon I thought about something I read that said sometimes you just need to ask the universe as specifically as you can for what you want and I just started calling out all the things I love the most about the men I've loved in my life. I want the friendship and chemistry I have with Him, I want the devotion I had with my Sailor, I want the always laughing easy going-ness of how things were with First everything, I want the thoughtfulness and kindness that Density has always shown me, I want someone to call me out on my bullshit like Burdman does, I just want someone to share my life with and see this world with.
Saturday night fooling around in his bed after he decided we should slow things down he just looked down at me for a minute and then said "You're so beautiful" and all of sudden I felt seen the way He made me feel seen four years ago. I've had other men be smitten with me across the last four years, but I guess until now, I hadn't been mutually interested so that's why nothing ever felt like things did with Him, and perhaps that's why I've been so stuck, because I just hadn't lucked into mutuality again. I love this part of getting to know someone though, where they've already decided they're into who I am as a person and then they find out how much I love sex, they always react like I'm some sort of miracle. Sunday morning with his arms around me feeling so safe and comfortable, I wondered if the universe had delivered what I had asked for. I'm so scared I'm going to be wrong again, I'm so scared that by choosing to see this through, I have to finally give up on Him and what does that ultimately mean?
I don't feel the need to cut Him out entirely like I always believed I would need to do to move on, but I definitely don't think one on one time can maybe ever happen again... I just don't think that pull to Him will ever go away, but I'm so over his indifference...but perhaps I fucked myself over long ago by showing him he could give me nothing and still I would love him. Seeing Him on Christmas was so nice, but I felt myself holding back, especially when he was talking about the day he found out his parents were getting divorced... all I wanted to do was to tell him how much I loved Him and how sad I was for 12 year old him... It seemed like instead of being able to process the news with his sister, his immediate reaction pushed her away and I think it made him feel even more alone. I think I will always wish that He had let me in, but I knew a day would come where I would give up on wanting to be with Him because eventually I would just want someone to want me back... I just don't think I ever thought that change would happen as quickly as it is, but I guess I forgot the pull of mutuality especially when you can feel that it's not just a physical thing. Perhaps He was right, we were never built for a happy ending.
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