Distracted

I haven't been focused at work ALL week so far and it's a fucking problem. Over the weekend the Jew told me he wanted to date with the intention of things becoming a relationship and I told him that I had asked for space from my  FWB aka Him...I also ended up asking the Jew if he wanted to be my plus one to my college friend's wedding in May. It's the first time I'm bringing a date in 5 years... I'm excited about it, I really am, and I really like hanging out with him, but how much of this is just a distraction?

I can't decide how much time I'm supposed to take away from Him before I try being his friend. I'm already starting to have thoughts of what's the point of being friends, are we even friends? So much of our interactions lately were sexual in nature... remove that, what's left? I've been having thoughts of lust isn't love, and maybe that's all it ever was. Thoughts of, someone loving you, but not enough to be with you, isn't anything special at all so why do you want that person in your life? I feel lighter than I have in months, I really do, but I am also sad at the idea of him not being in my life.  I really don't know if I want or can manage to be a platonic friend to Him, but I guess I should at least try, like I told him I would. I feel myself diminishing everything that we ever were and I don't know why... I don't know if it's my defense mechanism to help me let go of this someday I've wanted so badly nearly 5 years now. There's thoughts telling me he doesn't even care that we're not talking right now... that he never wanted anything other than sex anyways. But then at the same time I find myself reading through old emails. I read one I sent him in December of 2014... I actually don't even know if he ever got it or if it was after he finally blocked me... there's so much I don't know about from his side of this that has happened over the years.

While living out in San Diego my best friend out there introduced me to the world of numerology, I mostly thought it was crap especially when I have a twin brother some of our shit is the same and we're SO different... but I did find it interesting, and I do see number patterns ALL the time. Last summer when I was still missing Him something awful I started seeing 11:11 EVERYWHERE. And then in my facebook feed the page titled twin flames 11:11 started popping up, so eventually I clicked and began the rabbit hole of twin flames. There's a lot in that community that resonates... there's a lot of me that thinks He is my twin flame, but that's also tied into this spiritual community that believes in source energy and reincarnation and all these things that resonate with me, but also make me feel crazy.

The other day, actually the day that pushed me to talk to Him about whether or not he could at least be open to the possibilities, I had noticed that this blog was being read, and I initially thought it was Him reading it and it put me in such a panic. But then I noticed the location was Portugal. And then a few days later another video of Christina Lopes popped up in my YouTube recommended, I had watched some of her older videos over the summer about twin flames, but she had put new ones up, which I finally watched yesterday because I putzed around on her site over the weekend and learned she has a clinical background and now lives in Portugal which all just felt like a fucking sign.  If someone with her background has experienced the Twin Flame connection and is all into this higher self stuff and source stuff... maybe I'm not so crazy for thinking it's real... and when she mentioned the woman who runs the twin flames 11:11 blog as one of her trusted teachers it hit me hard.

So if it's real, and He's my Twin Flame, but I'm so tired of waiting, so tired of His actions making me feel like I am not enough, is it so wrong to have some happiness with the Jew, even if it may not turn into a lasting relationship? Is that unfair to him? Will I just hurt him? Do I just need to end it and continue figuring my shit out on my own? I don't know... I feel lost and distracted and I can't really afford to be so fucking distracted right now.