Do Better

I wrote in that blog yesterday... someone read it within an hour. I wish I knew for sure if it was him... but I'm not sure that would help me in the long run... or maybe it would. To know he's aware of exactly the shit I've been muddling through and yet he still maintains the distance. Why am I so reluctant to accept that he's never coming back? Why do I still have hope? I'm pretty sure it should have sank in by now that I don't mean to him what he means to me. I should definitely want to be with someone who is going to reflect back to me the love that I give. So why do I keep believing that he could be that person?

My sister's friend, we'll call her Venus, did a birth chart reading for me, I'd won a free one, but decided to pay her anyways cuz I can afford it and she's just starting up her business. She basically said she didn't see anything indicating he and I were any type of soulmates and that the lessons we were meant to learn have been learned. I know I learned a lot when we were together the first time, years ago, but I really am unsure what the lesson is this time around. I just feel fucking stupid. Maybe it's the lesson of not jumping in so quickly... I was much more measured when he first came back, but still I just let him right back into my life when his was so obviously in chaos. I wish I could be more grateful that I no longer have the stress from that situation, and always waiting for him to have time for me. I just miss him so damn much and it's infuriating to still be so entangled in this after four fucking years. Venus told me that I literally am blocking all the good that awaits me by holding on to this mess. How do you stifle hope as a hopelessly romantic optimist? Like how am I supposed to go against my very nature? Or is there a way to move forward while never truly losing hope? Can I accept the obvious truth that right now, is not the time for a someday if it even still exists? Like I have no qualms saying that, and believing that. So if that's the case, what should my life look like? Do I date? Do I try to meet other people? Or do I continue focusing on me, and getting my life in order. Do those things actually have to be mutually exclusive?

My French-Canadian lover has apparently booked his trip and will be visiting me in a month. I wonder what will happen in a month... I feel like life sometimes changes very quickly when you least expect it to. I've got a crush for the first time in what feels like forever, on a guy on this Manayunk softball team I decided to randomly join. With my luck, he's probably taken, but perhaps not... but yea met him for a week ago today and excited for our game on Wednesday and he already committed to the fall team, soooo that means I'll potentially get to see him once a week until November, plenty of time to charm someone I guess?

I miss companionship, I miss being in a loving relationship, but I definitely don't feel ready for it. I'm still in love with someone who seems to have been able to forget me quite easily. 

What I deserve

Welp I'm officially trying to no longer write in the blog that He may or may not be sometimes reading. It has been nice to be able to get out my thoughts to him and know that I wasn't burdening him. That if he did indeed see them, it was his choice. But at this rate, it no longer feels healthy and I really do want to have a life that he knows nothing about. But I can't seem to quiet the parts of me that want to know if he misses me, if he thinks of me at all, if this is really what he wants... this whole not being in each others lives.

I'm trying harder to focus on the facts of it all, that whole actions speak louder than words... in all of this, what actions has he taken to show he actually genuinely cares for me? He has said such lovely things to me whenever there's a reconciliation but I've still always been a secret for the most part, I never was a priority. I have never deserved to feel the way that he makes me feel...this feeling of not being enough. Of feeling crazy and stupid for loving him. Someone who loves you shouldn't make you feel like that. Someone who loves should not repeatedly hurt you in the same fashion. Someone who loves you would make sure you knew what you mean to them. Someone who loves you would be in your life. And I deserve someone who loves me.