Happy either way

Welp we've made plans to see each other again this Friday. I'm trying to make sense of myself honestly. Part of me feels like the odds of things ever working out for us are dwindling, and I'm running out of opportunities to spend time with Him and I have this gut feeling if I waste those opportunities now, I'll regret it later in life. I just don't want any regrets... I guess the whole thing makes me think about this Wiccan line of thought, "An ye harm none, do what ye will" but perhaps I'm supposed to take into account if it harms me. I got really low recently as captured by my entry "Lost" but I honestly don't think that was purely a result of seeing him. I think it had more to do with what went down with Burdman at that concert...He got SO fucking drunk, it triggered me back to nights out with my Sailor in a bad way...especially when I tried to tell him he didn't need anymore drinks and he forcibly grabbed my wrists and twisted them until it kinda hurt and I said fine but you're getting it yourself.  Eventually he ended up getting stupid flirty with me and was not reacting well when I was rebuking him and I got nervous about him making a scene, so I just kinda let him do his thing which then resulted in him just being affectionate, treating me like I was his girlfriend, putting his arms around me, holding my hand. It was a nice a feeling, especially because during the beginning of the show I started to cry during a song that made me think of Him and how that time the year before He and I had been at a concert together...lately I've had a hard time with remembering how things were last year versus what they're like  now... It's been bumming me the fuck out...

Sometimes I think if Burdman didn't have a drinking problem, we probably would have tried dating... but it just totally prevents me from seeing him in that light. But yea...we cuddled a lot that night, it was so nice to wake up next to someone and to feel cared about. I really think that's what sent me off the deep end more than anything else.

I guess there's this part of me that believes that I'm going to end up happy, whether it be with Him or someone else. That most likely the trajectory will be that we continue to see each other every once in a while, all the while I'll keep making strides forward in putting myself back out there, and eventually I'll meet someone worthwhile. As I start to invest in that, I'll have less room for Him, and I'll stop reaching out. Maybe he'll notice, but he won't say anything, he's always been so much better about keeping distance than I ever have. Time will pass, and we'll probably see each other at some function, and it'll be nice to see him and we'll chat, and it'll come up that I'm dating someone, and he'll say he's happy for me, and I'll say thanks and if I'm lucky, then it'll finally be done. But in my life, it probably won't actually be done.

He'll tell himself he has no right to be jealous even though he will be, and maybe he'll try a little harder at dating where as before he was just having fun not really caring too much.  But when He starts to evaluate the people he's meeting as actual life partners, He'll remember what he knew all those years ago, that anyone lucky enough to have me, is a fucking moron to lose me. Maybe he'll leave me be, but maybe he'll be brave and he'll reach out. If our someday is meant to be, it won't be too late, but just maybe I'll be genuinely happy with someone who has never taken me for granted. 

Not Now

I'm doing better, but I'm still not me... I'm still struggling with procrastinating and focusing... here I am writing while at work. I still haven't finished my PE application and it's getting to the point where I might be putting myself in danger of not getting it all in on time and I don't understand why I would do this to myself. It's just easier to aimlessly scroll through the internet and cuddle with my cat and sleep... He and I had an exchange a week a go today...a worth while one, and then saw each other in person on Tuesday. He's exactly where I thought he was but I was choosing not to acknowledge it... in the headspace of not wanting to go from something serious, to something serious, of wanting to have his freedom, of wanting to date and see what's out there. I remember being in that place too and I know part of why I am so sure about Him now, is because of everything I went through while we were mostly dead to each other. It has made a difference to know that he still loves me, to know he sees our potential too, but he still doesn't want to be with me, at least not right now, and that's the frustrating part. We chatted briefly on hangouts on Thanksgiving and I really want to start the convo back up again, and I typed it out, and then deleted it. He needs to figure his life out, and what he wants, and that's not something I need be around for especially when it negatively impacts my self esteem. But it's hard when talking to him makes me happy. I don't think there's harm in talking to him, but I just feel like it would eventually lead us right back to what happened last fall. We tried to limit the amount we talked to each other, we only saw each other when I was visiting, we talked about how he was still a mess, and yet somehow we found ourselves dating. I don't want that to happen again before he's actually decided he wants to be with me because I sure as shit don't want to go through losing him again. I don't know how long it will take him to come back around, and he might not ever, so the sooner I really cut him out, the better off I will be. Cutting him out now doesn't mean I'm giving up on a someday, it just means I'm recognizing that our someday isn't now, and that I deserve to be happy right now and all he does is bring me pain. I think that maybe I really should try to date again and be open minded about it.

I took a risk last week and asked out a WOMAN. I've been following her blog for over a year after I found it when I was doing research on polyamorous relationships. She seems to love, love, as much as I do and I just feel drawn to her. We've been texting back and forth and should hopefully be meeting up this Thursday. All my interactions with her so far have made me giddy so I'm genuinely excited about it and trying not to overthink it. I hope putting myself out there with this, will help me to really step out of this depressive episode. I am so tired of being sad.

Lost

I'm really not ok. I've spent the whole day in bed other than to feed the cat but not myself. There's a friendsgiving today and I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to get up and shower...I feel like it would be good for me to go...but I also feel like I don't deserve to. I caved and I wrote in that stupid blog to Him and now I'm waiting to see if when he sees it, will he reach out? And why do I want him to?

I also feel like I don't deserve to go cuz I promised myself I would do my PE stuff last night and I just didn't. Everything feels so hard right now. Sleep is preferred...and I've had way too many thoughts about how it'd be nice for it all to just be done. That yea people would be sad, but no one needs me other than Lady and my sister would love her. But I keep seeing that phrase I read a while ago, how suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it along to someone else...I really don't want anyone I love to feel any of the hopelessness I feel these days. I'm grateful it comes in bouts, that there are still moments where I see the happy admidst the shit but I can't see my future. I'm not used to that but I can't and it scares me. I've always had ideas, and plans, and things I'm looking forward to and idk my brain isn't working the way that it used to. It's so foggy, and slow, and dark.  There's all this talk about how you have to rely on yourself and you're in charge of your happiness and no one can save you, but what if right now I can't even find myself?

Everything is temporary, I know this too shall pass I just really hope it doesn't get much darker before it does.

Actually unconditional?

Yesterday was good, today has been hard... Today I collapsed on the couch still in my jacket and have just  been dicking around on my phone cuddling with the cat and I never ate lunch and I'm not even hungry for dinner...
Tonight marks a week and I really can't believe He's ok with that being the last thing he says to me... But perhaps he's not, he's been checking the blog every day. Seems so ridiculous for two people to apparently be thinking about each other this much and not fucking talking to each other. I'm very tempted to write an entry but I promised I would stop and it feels important for my desire to actually let go, to keep that promise. I should probably make it private again, but idk there's something about knowing He cares enough to look.

I wish we had been lucky enough to actually get a shot at being together... I'm sure this "what if" will stay with me all my life, I just hope I figure out how to pack it away enough to still love another just as deeply.

There really was something so intoxicating about never questioning if I loved him, I just always knew. He has always felt right. I know solace can be found in knowing you did everything you could and I honestly believe there's nothing more I could have done to show how much I love him and that I was willing to work through anything to be able to share my life with him. What is now was not my choice, this is the consequence of Him giving up and I have nothing to feel sorry for, and yet I do. I can't help but wonder if I love him as much as I do, why can't I manage to be there for him during a rough time even though he doesn't want to be with me. And I think I was close to being able to manage that, but having that night together completely derailed that...I just can't manage to push off the negative thoughts about myself that always surface when I'm reminded of his rejection. I'm so happy while we're talking, and while he was here next to me on this couch, but then it stops, and so quickly it goes back to feeling like we're nothing and I can't figure out what I mean to him, where I stand with him, and it drives me crazy. Insecurity literally brings out the worst in everyone.

How many years did I spend sacrificing my own happiness for that of my Sailor's? And at least he was always all in with me, he actually loved me, albeit not well, but as best as he could. This man has given me no reason to believe he actually wishes me to continue trying and I've been such a fucking idiot telling myself otherwise. I just kept telling myself that he was too overwhelmed to even fully process everything, that of course he loves me, I couldn't feel what I feel if he didn't. That of course it got hard when he moved back in, how could it not? How could he not feel guilty about spending time with me when it would inherently feel like he was hurting his wife? They've been together a decade, even if he no longer wants to be married to her, doesn't mean he wanted or wants to hurt her. And how could he not partially dread every hangout knowing most likely it would result in her giving Him attitude and just making his every day life harder. And who could blame her, even when you know it's right to no longer be with someone, it still hurts to see them move on, and usually while you can know it's happening, you don't typically know exactly when they're hanging out with that new someone. I can't imagine how hard that would be...So I think it actually makes a lot of sense that things probably felt wrong, and that was the real danger of trying to be together when He was so far away from having room in his life for me. Very difficult to be all the way in on something new when you're still in the thick of something else...I guess it was dumb of me to be so sure that it would it get better and easier as he moved through the process, but I think it's dumb of him to believe all those uncomfortable feelings caused by his circumstances meant we were no longer right for each other. Love isn't finite and it's an emotion like the rest of them and it comes and goes in waves, staying is the choice. Makes me think about my twin with his first real love, after agreeing to having an open relationship to enjoy college and manage long distance he started to have feelings for another girl and thought that meant he no longer loved his gf and told her so and it crushed her and now ten years later he still fucking regrets it and hasn't even come close to loving someone at that level. I came across a collection of stories of people regretting ending things and this one in particular made me sob cuz I guess it's what I've told myself he feels.

I miss him so much and I worry all the time, I've said this phrase before but it feels accurate, it is so hard loving someone this much from so far away. I know the thought of actually moving out probably scares the shit out of Him, and I can't imagine what it's like to know you're choosing to give up on time with your children, but there's no moving forward with what they're doing right now. I hope he finds the courage soon to take that next real step and actually start his new life.

I can't fucking wait

Well apparently I made the blog He would sometimes read public again. I must have done it thinking it was this one, but that was like weeks ago...I like to read my latest post the next day, reading my own thoughts with fresh eyes always seems to put things in a different perspective and helps me make sense of it all. I guess my auto populate is still used to the other one cuz it brought up the stats page and holy moly he checked the page a whole bunch today. Perhaps he's surprised I've said nothing more to him... Perhaps he's surprised I immediately declined the invite to his happy hour next week when I got back from lunch. Like I said to Buddah, of course I'd like to see everyone but how exactly can I expect Him to take me seriously about not wanting him in my life at all if I don't take it seriously. Besides, I see the people I want to see.

I'm just so done feeling so fucking stuck and I know I will continue to feel this way until I let go. I was all in, I didn't give up, I meant everything I said to him, my words were not empty like his. But I am so done letting my heart and my sanity be at the mercy of some asshole who doesn't value me, because anyone who truly knows your worth, would never risk losing you.

I saw this quote earlier tonight and fuck did it make me cry and as I watched curb your enthusiasm all I could think was god damn I wish I could laugh about this with Him. But I have to believe as long as I keep making better choices, the hurt will subside and no longer feel so overbearing. There's another side to this and I'm going get to it one way or another. One day hopefully not too long from now I will wake up and he will no longer be the first thing I think of and I can't fucking wait.

No rush

I really was making progress towards being in a headspace where I think He and I could have been on friendly terms, but seeing him... Feeling the way I feel about him in full force... Being able to touch him...I don't want to be that man's friend. I tried to not let my hopes get away from myself but I couldn't help myself and I guess I tried one last time to ask him to reconsider and ended the interaction with an email saying being dead to each other really is for the best for me and my sanity. All he said was "You're such a pain in the ass" and initially I was gonna respond with this stupid meme that said "if your girl don't go psycho on you every once in a while, she don't love you and your dick is trash" LOL

But then I thought about how that would basically mean I was apologizing for how I feel, apologizing for loving Him and wanting to be with him, instead of some fuck buddy situation. Apologizing for being honest that every time he interacts with me it fucking hurts me. And then he didn't say anything more and all I can think now is "damn, he's ok with that being the last thing he says to me, maybe I severely overestimated how much this man has ever cared about me".

While a lot of me has been sad as fuck this weekend, and let myself read through old text convos with Him and cried real hard, there's definitely another part that hopes this means it's finally done. I'm so tired and I'm so fucking tired of being wrong about people. I really thought by now I would be done with always waiting for what is next. When I think about the times in my life where I didn't want the moments to end, where I was so perfectly happy to be exactly where I was, most of those moments are with Him and I guess that's why I've tried so hard to hold on to him because I've spent my life searching for that feeling.

But I've also felt it during my adventure trips, so I firmly know I can create that feeling all on my own and I guess I just have to accept that even though I long for the phase of my life of being madly in love with the man I will build a life and a home and a family with, I am not in that phase yet. Fuck, I may never reach that phase in a traditional sense, but I do trust that just like I always have I will move my life in the direction I want it to be in and if I decide I need to have a baby of my own and no man ever materializes well then I'm sure I'll fucking figure it out.

Lately it has been hard to remember how fucking young I really am and how much time I have, but seriously I've most likely lived for only a third of my life so far, there's no rush.

Losing my mind

I'm losing my god damn mind. I don't know if it was bad or good to have seen Him... I really don't. I don't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and just genuinely happy, but there were moments where I remembered it didn't mean anything, that it would all be over in a few hours, that it would all go back to nothing, and I cried a little, but I've always been good about being in the moment while with him and brought myself out of it, and mostly just enjoyed the time with Him.  But he's in my head now, in a way he wasn't before. I think I hoped it would feel a little bit wrong, that it would finally sink in that he no longer loves me, but that wasn't the vibe I got at all. There is something so real, and good between us and I just don't understand why he is fighting it. I think it's a great quality to be able to rationally think through things and not get caught up in your emotions, but thinking through your feelings is not the same as feeling them, and love is not rational and never will be, and sometimes the right thing, is to honor how you feel. I didn't want him to leave, I didn't want it to be the last time and said as much, and he said neither do I, and as I kissed him goodbye, internally I was shouting please feel how much I love you because I can't say it out loud because I know you won't say it back and it will brake me... but maybe I should have... And now here I am having these internal conversations with myself about do I want kids more than I want him? As if that's the only thing keeping us apart... when who knows how much of that is a convenient excuse for Him.

I have told no one about seeing Him, and that's new for me, I don't keep big things like that to myself anymore, not since I went through my divorce, but honestly it's this perfect night I don't want to be tainted by anyone telling me how fucking stupid I am for allowing it to happen. We didn't even end up going out downtown for dinner and I'm glad that we didn't, I just wanted as much time with him as possible. That's all I've ever wanted, is more time with him. I think "Time" may be the only commodity that genuinely matters in this life, and oh how we waste it. I have been struggling with focusing since he reached out at the end of August and it's a real fucking problem. I need to wrap up my PE shit, and I bring my laptop home every night to do it, and then I just collapse on the couch and fuck around on my phone, feed the cat, maybe feed myself, usually not, and then go to sleep. I think I'm more depressed than I thought. It's like my heart is so fucking sad it's making the rest of me sick. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to be so stuck on this, I want to be present and grateful for this life I've made for myself and hopefully sometime soon someone is gonna show up that'll make me easily see why no matter how much I love Him, our someday was never meant to be.