To be seen...

Things with BDG have progressed quickly in the last week. We hung out one on one on Saturday and have plans for tonight. I'm excited and nervous. I'm finally going to be kissed into the New Year and I feel so conflicted about that... I think there was this part of me that felt like maybe I'd had such bad luck with that because He was supposed to be the one to get that "first"... Just a few weeks ago I thought huh maybe going into 2020 is when that will all finally happen and everything will be on it's way to working out how it's always been meant to work out. Right now though I feel the need to cancel our plans on the 11th, after Saturday night and learning more about BDG, and how the last relationship he was involved in ended with SERIOUS cheating, like she apparently was with seven other dudes and had two secret abortions... yikes... he needs exclusivity to continue moving forward and I want to continue moving forward. I spent the night on Saturday and we didn't sleep together, but definitely had fun and I'm super pumped to take that step with him, I definitely could tell we have the kind of chemistry that gets me addicted. A few weeks ago walking home from the Wine & Spirits looking up at the full moon I thought about something I read that said sometimes you just need to ask the universe as specifically as you can for what you want and I just started calling out all the things I love the most about the men I've loved in my life. I want the friendship and chemistry I have with Him, I want the devotion I had with my Sailor, I want the always laughing easy going-ness of how things were with First everything, I want the thoughtfulness and kindness that Density has always shown me, I want someone to call me out on my bullshit like Burdman does, I just want someone to share my life with and see this world with.

Saturday night fooling around in his bed after he decided we should slow things down he just looked down at me for a minute and then said "You're so beautiful" and all of sudden I felt seen the way He made me feel seen four years ago. I've had other men be smitten with me across the last four years, but I guess until now, I hadn't been mutually interested so that's why nothing ever felt like things did with Him, and perhaps that's why I've been so stuck, because I just hadn't lucked into mutuality again. I love this part of getting to know someone though, where they've already decided they're into who I am as a person and then they find out how much I love sex, they always react like I'm some sort of miracle. Sunday morning with his arms around me feeling so safe and comfortable, I wondered if the universe had delivered what I had asked for. I'm so scared I'm going to be wrong again, I'm so scared that by choosing to see this through, I have to finally give up on Him and what does that ultimately mean?

I don't feel the need to cut Him out entirely like I always believed I would need to do to move on, but I definitely don't think one on one time can maybe ever happen again... I just don't think that pull to Him will ever go away, but I'm so over his indifference...but perhaps I fucked myself over long ago by showing him he could give me nothing and still I would love him. Seeing Him on Christmas was so nice, but I felt myself holding back, especially when he was talking about the day he found out his parents were getting divorced... all I wanted to do was to tell him how much I loved Him and how sad I was for 12 year old him... It seemed like instead of being able to process the news with his sister, his immediate reaction pushed her away and I think it made him feel even more alone. I think I will always wish that He had let me in, but I knew a day would come where I would give up on wanting to be with Him because eventually I would just want someone to want me back... I just don't think I ever thought that change would happen as quickly as it is, but I guess I forgot the pull of mutuality especially when you can feel that it's not just a physical thing. Perhaps He was right, we were never built for a happy ending.

Re-evaluation

I haven't written in a while now and that's probably because I've been able to talk to Him freely and the last time I had too many thoughts I actually got to talk to him on the phone. It was hard trying to explain myself live, but I think I got there and it honestly was so much better than the one sided conversations I would have with myself. We talked about is it really that bad that we're talking. I don't usually keep something like this a secret, but I guess I've realized that things with us tend to implode once others are involved. I never liked feeling like a secret but I realize now that had more to do with feeling like he wasn't proud to be with me and didn't want to incorporate me into his life, which more or less made me feel like I was more invested because I wanted to let him into every aspect of mine. It made me sad that most people would never know what we meant to each other, that there was no proof that there had been love, but I realize now that was really more tied up in how he made me feel crazy when we were dead to each other, made me feel like it hadn't been real and I never wanted to feel that way again, it really didn't have much to do with what other people thought or saw. I don't need anyone else to tell me that my love for him is real for it to be real.


I've been doing so much re-evaluation of my life the last couple of weeks cuz for once I really do like exactly where I'm at, I love my job, I love living alone, I started dating again and meeting all these people and getting to know them and watching them getting to know me it just makes me excited for the future. I've been realizing all these little judgements I made about myself and other people's lives and what "happiness" looked like and just how detrimental to my actual happiness that has all been. I saw blind date guy (BDG) again this past weekend and we had some really blunt and meaningful conversations and it was refreshing. I was sharing some of it with Him and he was kinda dubious if I actually meant any of what I said cuz basically I said I didn't want kids nor do I want to get married. I can understand why he wouldn't believe cuz yes that's definitely different from what I said I wanted just a few months ago, but idk that's kinda the beauty of living a free life, you can change your mind.

But it's not that simple though, cuz it doesn't really feel like I've changed my mind, it just feels like I understand more about what I've actually been after. I just want to love and be loved. The model of that though is often encased in marriage and children but I think what I've really internalized recently is that there are so many other paths. I've always known my twin wasn't going to live a conventional life so I think somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to. And I think always loving babies and being so good with them, and always hearing you'll be a great mother, somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to be one. I think there will always be a part of me that will have the curiosity of what it means to create new life, but I think there's supposed to be more than a curiosity to actually have a fucking baby. When I think about the reality of those things, what comes with all of that, none of it actually seems appealing, none of it feels like it's going to bring to my life what I'm looking for. I don't want to be controlled, I don't want to always have to put a kid ahead of me, I've spent my life putting others ahead of myself and I frankly don't want to anymore. I want to travel and see this world, I want to keep going to concerts and having fun spontaneous experiences, I want to keep having variety in life. Settling down into a routine, same shit day in day out is never what would make me happy, I would fucking suffocate. I think engagement rings and weddings are a fucking waste of money, I'd much rather use that for my student loans haha I think people forcing cohabitation is what leads to most conflicts, about responsibility for cleaning and financial shit and resulting in not getting alone time. Like right now I don't think I even like the idea of moving in with someone else ever again. I don't even know if I need monogamy any more, I've never been a possessive person, and I truly believe love is limitless.

All I ever wanted was someone to share my life with that wouldn't try to change me, or control me, that would listen and be there for me and would let me do the same for them and I would never have to question if I was important to them. I've been excited to see Him on Christmas, it's been rough waiting this long, but since seeing BDG I feel differently and I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps I'm already making room for this guy and truly want to see where it could lead and I'm starting to fear I'm going to do to him what I did to Apricot. At least in this case I do see potential with him, he is a lot like Him but there's no baggage of kids and an ex wife, nor years of hurt that he's caused me. Perhaps Burdman was right when he said "no good will ever come from Him" but maybe even if I don't think I need monogamy, I may never be truly comfortable with the idea having to choose someone over another and potentially hurting someone I love because I've been forced to do that all my life with my parents and it's a painful existence...always knowing that you've disappointed someone. For now I'm gonna operate the way I have before when actively dating, I'm not going to assume exclusivity from them nor be exclusive myself until that conversation is had with whomever I decide is worth that.

More Reasons

I want to reach out to Him so badly today. Most days I do try to avoid things that I know will make me think of Him, and then sometimes, when I know he'll be on my mind anyways, I'll indulge. On the way home from the concert last night I finally decided to listen to "The Dark Side of the Moon" start to finish and holy shit. Like I already knew they were talented af and can play, but this was so much more than that with the curation of the songs and the sampling of real life sounds.  There's not too many albums out there that almost feel like one song, but that's how this felt to me, and I unknowingly had it on repeat, so the very first song started to play again and I think that's what really hit me. The album ends the way it starts, with a heart beat, just like fucking life starts with your parents listening to your heartbeat and then it possibly ends surrounded by loved ones watching that monitor for the last beat...And then the first song is just a mess of sounds that actually foreshadow every other song on the album.

Honestly my overall take away is that it's this critique on life in general, and even though it was released in the 70s it's still so fucking relevant. His latest tattoo is a modified version of the cover, which I love even more now after listening to the whole thing. That whole idea that all the colors are all a part of the white light and if you just change the angle of the reflection, ya know just change your perspective, you can see them all. Just feels like they were trying to say yea we may all be in this rat race with all these stupid expectations, and the false god of money, but if you take the time to actually look around you'll see how much more there is to the lives we've been given. It's really hard to pick a favorite song from the album in all honesty, cuz they all just kinda feed off of each other, and I've only listened the once through... but I think maybe it'd be Any Colour You Like. I never did ask Him what the tattoo meant to him... I guess it felt wrong to ask before I'd listened to the album, but also maybe I didn't want more reasons to love him...one of the feeds I follow is about space and celestial events and it notified me yesterday that his birthday this year coincides with a super blood moon which is apparently rare. Basically at 12:12am on the 21st the lunar eclipse will be at its maximum and it's happening during a full moon. Somehow it feels fitting that's how the first day of His next trip around the sun will start. The phrase, the dark side of the moon is actually slightly incorrect, cuz it's not like the moon doesn't spin, all of its "sides" receive sunlight eventually, but it's just perfectly timed with the orbit of Earth that we can never see the "far side" from Earth. It just appears to always be dark because of our limited perspective and I want to believe Pink Floyd knew that.

I finally did have that date with that Woman this past Wednesday, and it was amazing, I haven't felt that carefree in a very long time, I can't wait to see her again. She's got this husky voice that's so sexy, and she's just bursting with life and sexuality. It was a strange experience to feel like the persuer and also so innocent and out of my element. I tactfully got her up to my apartment with a call back to our convo earlier in the day about how if it was too forward of me to ask her to meet my pussy when I possibly want to touch her pussy LOL. After about twenty minutes of being on the floor with the cat she asked to use the restroom and when she came out I was kinda pacing in the middle of my main room and she asks how I'm feeling and I'm like I feel really nervous which makes her laugh and she sits on the ottoman and tells me to sit. So I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor and she asks me what I think and I immediately say I think you're so beautiful, which landed well, and I follow it up with but I don't know what's next. She says well I would like to kiss you, and I say I would like that very much, to which she replies well you've been the persuer so far as she inches herself off the ottoman and towards me on the floor and I'm moving closer as well. And then our lips finally touch and it quickly goes from a kiss to a full makeout session on my floor with me straddling her and putting her hands above her head with some good ole fashioned grinding.

So I can finally say I've kissed a lady, and I did really enjoy the experience, but still feel unsure if I'm sexually attracted to women, or I'm just so intrigued by her and her life. She was telling me all sorts of crazy stuff about BDSM and threesomes, and sex parties. I have a feeling knowing her is gonna crack me wide open. We have another date set for the end of the month, two busy ladies trying to make plans is real fucking difficult haha. Welp I gotta get my butt on the road, I have a blind date tonight that a dear high school friend set up for me... I'm anxious and nervous and can't help but think about how my mother married both of the only blind dates she has been on...

No good...

I want to get to bed but feel the need to quickly write. I finally saw Coco tonight. It was lovely, it made me cry hard. I kept thinking about Him watching this with his girls and knowing why he enjoyed it. Something snapped though as I sat there on my couch crying by myself with the cat on my lap wishing I could talk to Him. I'm just done with the sadness of this. If he doesn't know by now that he wants me like I want Him, he's never going to. I can't keep living with this "someday" floating out there, I will never be able to be fully present in my now if I do. I wanted a life with Him so fucking badly, I really don't think I've ever wanted anything more. But for whatever reason it's just not in the cards in this life. So I blocked him on Facebook, I blocked him on Hangouts, I blocked him on my email and he's still blocked on my phone. It feels good to know I won't see his name randomly pop up anymore. I will do my best to avoid any social activities that he could be at and hopefully by god I will leave this man in the past for once and for all. May 2019 be the year where I finally stop wishing for what is next. Part of me still has no desire to let go, I'm still very much in love with Him and I just hope if I keep focusing on the fact that I shouldn't want someone who is not afraid to lose me, my heart will start to accept what my brain has maybe always known, this man brings me nothing but misery. There is someone out there who will never take me for granted and will want all the things I want out of this life. Please hurry up and get here. I'm no good at this patience thing.

Happy either way

Welp we've made plans to see each other again this Friday. I'm trying to make sense of myself honestly. Part of me feels like the odds of things ever working out for us are dwindling, and I'm running out of opportunities to spend time with Him and I have this gut feeling if I waste those opportunities now, I'll regret it later in life. I just don't want any regrets... I guess the whole thing makes me think about this Wiccan line of thought, "An ye harm none, do what ye will" but perhaps I'm supposed to take into account if it harms me. I got really low recently as captured by my entry "Lost" but I honestly don't think that was purely a result of seeing him. I think it had more to do with what went down with Burdman at that concert...He got SO fucking drunk, it triggered me back to nights out with my Sailor in a bad way...especially when I tried to tell him he didn't need anymore drinks and he forcibly grabbed my wrists and twisted them until it kinda hurt and I said fine but you're getting it yourself.  Eventually he ended up getting stupid flirty with me and was not reacting well when I was rebuking him and I got nervous about him making a scene, so I just kinda let him do his thing which then resulted in him just being affectionate, treating me like I was his girlfriend, putting his arms around me, holding my hand. It was a nice a feeling, especially because during the beginning of the show I started to cry during a song that made me think of Him and how that time the year before He and I had been at a concert together...lately I've had a hard time with remembering how things were last year versus what they're like  now... It's been bumming me the fuck out...

Sometimes I think if Burdman didn't have a drinking problem, we probably would have tried dating... but it just totally prevents me from seeing him in that light. But yea...we cuddled a lot that night, it was so nice to wake up next to someone and to feel cared about. I really think that's what sent me off the deep end more than anything else.

I guess there's this part of me that believes that I'm going to end up happy, whether it be with Him or someone else. That most likely the trajectory will be that we continue to see each other every once in a while, all the while I'll keep making strides forward in putting myself back out there, and eventually I'll meet someone worthwhile. As I start to invest in that, I'll have less room for Him, and I'll stop reaching out. Maybe he'll notice, but he won't say anything, he's always been so much better about keeping distance than I ever have. Time will pass, and we'll probably see each other at some function, and it'll be nice to see him and we'll chat, and it'll come up that I'm dating someone, and he'll say he's happy for me, and I'll say thanks and if I'm lucky, then it'll finally be done. But in my life, it probably won't actually be done.

He'll tell himself he has no right to be jealous even though he will be, and maybe he'll try a little harder at dating where as before he was just having fun not really caring too much.  But when He starts to evaluate the people he's meeting as actual life partners, He'll remember what he knew all those years ago, that anyone lucky enough to have me, is a fucking moron to lose me. Maybe he'll leave me be, but maybe he'll be brave and he'll reach out. If our someday is meant to be, it won't be too late, but just maybe I'll be genuinely happy with someone who has never taken me for granted. 

Not Now

I'm doing better, but I'm still not me... I'm still struggling with procrastinating and focusing... here I am writing while at work. I still haven't finished my PE application and it's getting to the point where I might be putting myself in danger of not getting it all in on time and I don't understand why I would do this to myself. It's just easier to aimlessly scroll through the internet and cuddle with my cat and sleep... He and I had an exchange a week a go today...a worth while one, and then saw each other in person on Tuesday. He's exactly where I thought he was but I was choosing not to acknowledge it... in the headspace of not wanting to go from something serious, to something serious, of wanting to have his freedom, of wanting to date and see what's out there. I remember being in that place too and I know part of why I am so sure about Him now, is because of everything I went through while we were mostly dead to each other. It has made a difference to know that he still loves me, to know he sees our potential too, but he still doesn't want to be with me, at least not right now, and that's the frustrating part. We chatted briefly on hangouts on Thanksgiving and I really want to start the convo back up again, and I typed it out, and then deleted it. He needs to figure his life out, and what he wants, and that's not something I need be around for especially when it negatively impacts my self esteem. But it's hard when talking to him makes me happy. I don't think there's harm in talking to him, but I just feel like it would eventually lead us right back to what happened last fall. We tried to limit the amount we talked to each other, we only saw each other when I was visiting, we talked about how he was still a mess, and yet somehow we found ourselves dating. I don't want that to happen again before he's actually decided he wants to be with me because I sure as shit don't want to go through losing him again. I don't know how long it will take him to come back around, and he might not ever, so the sooner I really cut him out, the better off I will be. Cutting him out now doesn't mean I'm giving up on a someday, it just means I'm recognizing that our someday isn't now, and that I deserve to be happy right now and all he does is bring me pain. I think that maybe I really should try to date again and be open minded about it.

I took a risk last week and asked out a WOMAN. I've been following her blog for over a year after I found it when I was doing research on polyamorous relationships. She seems to love, love, as much as I do and I just feel drawn to her. We've been texting back and forth and should hopefully be meeting up this Thursday. All my interactions with her so far have made me giddy so I'm genuinely excited about it and trying not to overthink it. I hope putting myself out there with this, will help me to really step out of this depressive episode. I am so tired of being sad.

Lost

I'm really not ok. I've spent the whole day in bed other than to feed the cat but not myself. There's a friendsgiving today and I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to get up and shower...I feel like it would be good for me to go...but I also feel like I don't deserve to. I caved and I wrote in that stupid blog to Him and now I'm waiting to see if when he sees it, will he reach out? And why do I want him to?

I also feel like I don't deserve to go cuz I promised myself I would do my PE stuff last night and I just didn't. Everything feels so hard right now. Sleep is preferred...and I've had way too many thoughts about how it'd be nice for it all to just be done. That yea people would be sad, but no one needs me other than Lady and my sister would love her. But I keep seeing that phrase I read a while ago, how suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it along to someone else...I really don't want anyone I love to feel any of the hopelessness I feel these days. I'm grateful it comes in bouts, that there are still moments where I see the happy admidst the shit but I can't see my future. I'm not used to that but I can't and it scares me. I've always had ideas, and plans, and things I'm looking forward to and idk my brain isn't working the way that it used to. It's so foggy, and slow, and dark.  There's all this talk about how you have to rely on yourself and you're in charge of your happiness and no one can save you, but what if right now I can't even find myself?

Everything is temporary, I know this too shall pass I just really hope it doesn't get much darker before it does.

Actually unconditional?

Yesterday was good, today has been hard... Today I collapsed on the couch still in my jacket and have just  been dicking around on my phone cuddling with the cat and I never ate lunch and I'm not even hungry for dinner...
Tonight marks a week and I really can't believe He's ok with that being the last thing he says to me... But perhaps he's not, he's been checking the blog every day. Seems so ridiculous for two people to apparently be thinking about each other this much and not fucking talking to each other. I'm very tempted to write an entry but I promised I would stop and it feels important for my desire to actually let go, to keep that promise. I should probably make it private again, but idk there's something about knowing He cares enough to look.

I wish we had been lucky enough to actually get a shot at being together... I'm sure this "what if" will stay with me all my life, I just hope I figure out how to pack it away enough to still love another just as deeply.

There really was something so intoxicating about never questioning if I loved him, I just always knew. He has always felt right. I know solace can be found in knowing you did everything you could and I honestly believe there's nothing more I could have done to show how much I love him and that I was willing to work through anything to be able to share my life with him. What is now was not my choice, this is the consequence of Him giving up and I have nothing to feel sorry for, and yet I do. I can't help but wonder if I love him as much as I do, why can't I manage to be there for him during a rough time even though he doesn't want to be with me. And I think I was close to being able to manage that, but having that night together completely derailed that...I just can't manage to push off the negative thoughts about myself that always surface when I'm reminded of his rejection. I'm so happy while we're talking, and while he was here next to me on this couch, but then it stops, and so quickly it goes back to feeling like we're nothing and I can't figure out what I mean to him, where I stand with him, and it drives me crazy. Insecurity literally brings out the worst in everyone.

How many years did I spend sacrificing my own happiness for that of my Sailor's? And at least he was always all in with me, he actually loved me, albeit not well, but as best as he could. This man has given me no reason to believe he actually wishes me to continue trying and I've been such a fucking idiot telling myself otherwise. I just kept telling myself that he was too overwhelmed to even fully process everything, that of course he loves me, I couldn't feel what I feel if he didn't. That of course it got hard when he moved back in, how could it not? How could he not feel guilty about spending time with me when it would inherently feel like he was hurting his wife? They've been together a decade, even if he no longer wants to be married to her, doesn't mean he wanted or wants to hurt her. And how could he not partially dread every hangout knowing most likely it would result in her giving Him attitude and just making his every day life harder. And who could blame her, even when you know it's right to no longer be with someone, it still hurts to see them move on, and usually while you can know it's happening, you don't typically know exactly when they're hanging out with that new someone. I can't imagine how hard that would be...So I think it actually makes a lot of sense that things probably felt wrong, and that was the real danger of trying to be together when He was so far away from having room in his life for me. Very difficult to be all the way in on something new when you're still in the thick of something else...I guess it was dumb of me to be so sure that it would it get better and easier as he moved through the process, but I think it's dumb of him to believe all those uncomfortable feelings caused by his circumstances meant we were no longer right for each other. Love isn't finite and it's an emotion like the rest of them and it comes and goes in waves, staying is the choice. Makes me think about my twin with his first real love, after agreeing to having an open relationship to enjoy college and manage long distance he started to have feelings for another girl and thought that meant he no longer loved his gf and told her so and it crushed her and now ten years later he still fucking regrets it and hasn't even come close to loving someone at that level. I came across a collection of stories of people regretting ending things and this one in particular made me sob cuz I guess it's what I've told myself he feels.

I miss him so much and I worry all the time, I've said this phrase before but it feels accurate, it is so hard loving someone this much from so far away. I know the thought of actually moving out probably scares the shit out of Him, and I can't imagine what it's like to know you're choosing to give up on time with your children, but there's no moving forward with what they're doing right now. I hope he finds the courage soon to take that next real step and actually start his new life.

I can't fucking wait

Well apparently I made the blog He would sometimes read public again. I must have done it thinking it was this one, but that was like weeks ago...I like to read my latest post the next day, reading my own thoughts with fresh eyes always seems to put things in a different perspective and helps me make sense of it all. I guess my auto populate is still used to the other one cuz it brought up the stats page and holy moly he checked the page a whole bunch today. Perhaps he's surprised I've said nothing more to him... Perhaps he's surprised I immediately declined the invite to his happy hour next week when I got back from lunch. Like I said to Buddah, of course I'd like to see everyone but how exactly can I expect Him to take me seriously about not wanting him in my life at all if I don't take it seriously. Besides, I see the people I want to see.

I'm just so done feeling so fucking stuck and I know I will continue to feel this way until I let go. I was all in, I didn't give up, I meant everything I said to him, my words were not empty like his. But I am so done letting my heart and my sanity be at the mercy of some asshole who doesn't value me, because anyone who truly knows your worth, would never risk losing you.

I saw this quote earlier tonight and fuck did it make me cry and as I watched curb your enthusiasm all I could think was god damn I wish I could laugh about this with Him. But I have to believe as long as I keep making better choices, the hurt will subside and no longer feel so overbearing. There's another side to this and I'm going get to it one way or another. One day hopefully not too long from now I will wake up and he will no longer be the first thing I think of and I can't fucking wait.

No rush

I really was making progress towards being in a headspace where I think He and I could have been on friendly terms, but seeing him... Feeling the way I feel about him in full force... Being able to touch him...I don't want to be that man's friend. I tried to not let my hopes get away from myself but I couldn't help myself and I guess I tried one last time to ask him to reconsider and ended the interaction with an email saying being dead to each other really is for the best for me and my sanity. All he said was "You're such a pain in the ass" and initially I was gonna respond with this stupid meme that said "if your girl don't go psycho on you every once in a while, she don't love you and your dick is trash" LOL

But then I thought about how that would basically mean I was apologizing for how I feel, apologizing for loving Him and wanting to be with him, instead of some fuck buddy situation. Apologizing for being honest that every time he interacts with me it fucking hurts me. And then he didn't say anything more and all I can think now is "damn, he's ok with that being the last thing he says to me, maybe I severely overestimated how much this man has ever cared about me".

While a lot of me has been sad as fuck this weekend, and let myself read through old text convos with Him and cried real hard, there's definitely another part that hopes this means it's finally done. I'm so tired and I'm so fucking tired of being wrong about people. I really thought by now I would be done with always waiting for what is next. When I think about the times in my life where I didn't want the moments to end, where I was so perfectly happy to be exactly where I was, most of those moments are with Him and I guess that's why I've tried so hard to hold on to him because I've spent my life searching for that feeling.

But I've also felt it during my adventure trips, so I firmly know I can create that feeling all on my own and I guess I just have to accept that even though I long for the phase of my life of being madly in love with the man I will build a life and a home and a family with, I am not in that phase yet. Fuck, I may never reach that phase in a traditional sense, but I do trust that just like I always have I will move my life in the direction I want it to be in and if I decide I need to have a baby of my own and no man ever materializes well then I'm sure I'll fucking figure it out.

Lately it has been hard to remember how fucking young I really am and how much time I have, but seriously I've most likely lived for only a third of my life so far, there's no rush.

Losing my mind

I'm losing my god damn mind. I don't know if it was bad or good to have seen Him... I really don't. I don't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and just genuinely happy, but there were moments where I remembered it didn't mean anything, that it would all be over in a few hours, that it would all go back to nothing, and I cried a little, but I've always been good about being in the moment while with him and brought myself out of it, and mostly just enjoyed the time with Him.  But he's in my head now, in a way he wasn't before. I think I hoped it would feel a little bit wrong, that it would finally sink in that he no longer loves me, but that wasn't the vibe I got at all. There is something so real, and good between us and I just don't understand why he is fighting it. I think it's a great quality to be able to rationally think through things and not get caught up in your emotions, but thinking through your feelings is not the same as feeling them, and love is not rational and never will be, and sometimes the right thing, is to honor how you feel. I didn't want him to leave, I didn't want it to be the last time and said as much, and he said neither do I, and as I kissed him goodbye, internally I was shouting please feel how much I love you because I can't say it out loud because I know you won't say it back and it will brake me... but maybe I should have... And now here I am having these internal conversations with myself about do I want kids more than I want him? As if that's the only thing keeping us apart... when who knows how much of that is a convenient excuse for Him.

I have told no one about seeing Him, and that's new for me, I don't keep big things like that to myself anymore, not since I went through my divorce, but honestly it's this perfect night I don't want to be tainted by anyone telling me how fucking stupid I am for allowing it to happen. We didn't even end up going out downtown for dinner and I'm glad that we didn't, I just wanted as much time with him as possible. That's all I've ever wanted, is more time with him. I think "Time" may be the only commodity that genuinely matters in this life, and oh how we waste it. I have been struggling with focusing since he reached out at the end of August and it's a real fucking problem. I need to wrap up my PE shit, and I bring my laptop home every night to do it, and then I just collapse on the couch and fuck around on my phone, feed the cat, maybe feed myself, usually not, and then go to sleep. I think I'm more depressed than I thought. It's like my heart is so fucking sad it's making the rest of me sick. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to be so stuck on this, I want to be present and grateful for this life I've made for myself and hopefully sometime soon someone is gonna show up that'll make me easily see why no matter how much I love Him, our someday was never meant to be.

Y

Well of course I would get an email from him shortly after my last entry... apparently him and Gray spoke last Saturday about how we're no longer talking but Gray came off as mad at him and He spent the rest of the weekend brooding over it all and then reached out to me to find out exactly what went down. Seems like he had totally created a much worse scenario in his head, but he is clearly still hurt by Gray's decision to continue talking to me... we ended up chatting on google hangouts for a while that night after I emailed him back giving as much information as I could.  We once again have made plans to get together and I'm not going to bail this time, three times is just rude. So right now I'm trying to get right in my head why I'm allowing this to happen because I know it doesn't mean he wants to be with me.  I guess I'm trying to think of this as the goodbye I never got? The chance to know that the last time is the last time even if none of me will want it to be the last time. I have never regretted any of the time I've spent with him so I guess I'm just banking on that staying true.  I've been so sad, for so long, what is the harm in one night of fun? In one night of pretending I still have Him in my life. I know it's hard to keep my thoughts and hopes in check, and I want to talk about this with someone, but everyone in my life will talk me out of it and I don't want that. I think I deserve to have one last good memory. I don't understand why he no longer thinks we're worth all the hard, but that doesn't make my feelings for him change in the slightest so why not take advantage of one more night to love him freely. 

Frame of Mind

I wish I didn't still cry because of Him. But I do. It's not everyday anymore, which thank fucking god, but it's often enough to make me somewhat mad at myself for it. He contacted me again recently, and we almost had a night together.. I really wanted it, but luckily I had therapy in between and she really didn't talk me out of it, but just reminded me about all the progress I've made despite this regression I've experienced since he reached out at the end of August. We ended up having a phone conversation after I cancelled... It was nice, but terribly sad and I called out of work the next day. It was nice to hear his voice, and his laugh, and that he misses me too... but it was hard to hear his response when I asked if we ever had a shot or had we always been doomed. He seems to have convinced himself that us would always be hard...the kids thing is real... but I think the rest of his fears are kinda bullshit. It's incredible how all these feelings I have for this man are just still here, the time has done nothing to them, nor all the hurt he has caused me, and how can that be? Am I that delusional? Or do I simply just love Him unconditionally and once you get to that point with someone there's no turning back. I recently decided that I just need to put him in the same basket as my dad. A person I love, who is important to me, but is not a regular entity in my life, is not someone I rely on for anything, and a person I long ago accepted will never give me emotionally what I wish they could, but I'm always grateful for the time we do get. I blocked his number on my phone, I can't keep myself open to random contact, it just unravels me. But I know I will be genuinely happy to see him at a happy hour so hopefully one of those will be happening soon.

I was supposed to have my first date in well over a year this past Saturday but the guy bailed to go to a sixers game with his brother, which honestly I would have done the same. Not sure it'll ever get rescheduled, have since learned he is a morning person, which is an immediate turn off hahah. Have a date this Friday with a guy I met during a project I did for grad school. I really like him as a person, and he says he wants something low key.... I don't think I'd ever want to actually date him. Can't decide if it's worth getting entangled in, but like one date doesn't feel like a bad idea. Might be nice for my first first date in fucking forever to be with someone I actually know.  I paid for these apps so I can't give up... but honestly I want to delete them already. I really fucking hate dating and until I can change my attitude about that, I don't think it will become a fun experience.

Focus

My focus has been absolute shit recently and I need to regain control, I'm hoping writing now before work will help me. I haven't cried yet since I sent Him that last text about no need to reschedule. I keep waiting to fall apart a little bit... it's been four years of holding on to this idea of a someday with Him and I'm finally really trying to let go. I know what I want out of a relationship, and that situation isn't fucking it. I accepted the bare fucking minimum from Him and why? I know I thought it was temporary, I know I thought it was worth waiting through the hard to get to the other side, where he would have room for me. He may be the most compatible person I've been with so far, but that doesn't make him the last one.  I wonder if he's surprised by me bailing and not wanting to see him... I'm definitely surprising myself. I checked the stats of my blog to him this morning and unless someone else reads it... he has checked it what looks like every day since I sent that text. God I wish I had an option to know what was going on in his head like he has had with mine. Part of me is kinda annoyed I finally decided to use my fucking brain before we fucked again... but honestly what good would that have been. What good could come from being reminded how easy it is to be with him. I want friendship, passion, and commitment. It's like I said years ago, those three main realms, physical, emotional, and intellectual. I know we have all three but he has to want it too and there's nothing I can do to make him. I don't have any desire to go back to that place of not feeling like a enough. All I've ever wanted was to be loved for being me and to love them back freely. I hope I don't have to wait too much longer for that person to show up. I'm tired. Just all of me is tired to my core.

It's a good life

I typically would like to not write at work... but I've been distracted all day. I'm tired too, so I know that's impacting... and I feel a little overwhelmed by all that I need to do so I'm doing that whole welp just don't start it haha ugh. Life really can change quickly all of a sudden. A few days after my last entry here, I had written again in the blog that He reads, and woke up to an email from him. It was mostly an apology, about everything and to make sure I knew that he cared about me and to say thank you for being there for him.  He made it clear though that he wasn't trying to start anything back up again, but that he wasn't sure what I wanted and needed. We texted for a bit and I said I needed an actual goodbye, and the opportunity to talk through how things went from my first weekend home back in December to his birthday. That it felt like there were things going on, on his end that he wasn't sharing with me that resulted in me being blindsided. I said I wanted to know what mistakes I made so I didn't make them again in my life... He said that it all boiled down to the fact that his heart and soul weren't in it and that mine were and that it wasn't fair to keep it going. That he had, and still has a lot of shit to take care of before he can be in another relationship and that I certainly didn't do anything wrong. At that point meeting up didn't feel necessary and I said I was sorry I didn't know how to be his friend and that maybe I'd see him at a colleague's happy hour the following week. 

I couldn't believe he walked right up to me so fucking nonchalant and went in for a hug. It was really nice to hangout in a group like that, felt like old times. Things got real flirty that night via text and I let myself be a bit reckless. It was fun and exciting to feel wanted by Him. We made plans to get lunch this week, but I bailed. I guess I've finally reached the stage of acceptance in this whole grief process. I love this man, and I want him to be my person, but just because I want it, doesn't make it good for me. He may have been in the wrong to bring me into his life on multiple occasions, but it was always my choice to let him into mine. When I told him I didn't see a point to rescheduling, I ended it saying that our lives are the sum of our own choices and that I need to make better choices. And holding on to the hope of a someday with him, that is a choice, and one that I no longer want to choose because I don't deserve this sadness. I have done so much since my divorce to make my life something I'm proud of and don't want to run away from. I don't know who is in my future, and that definitely gives me discomfort, I want answers, I want to know that I'm going to live this life I picture of a family.   But I guess the real struggle is to just keep working at living in the now, not ruminating on the past, or worrying about the future. Right now, it's a good life. I genuinely love my job, I love living alone, I love my CAT. YES. I got a cat :)

I have a mental to do list that I'm afraid to turn into a real list, but I really should just do it and start crossing shit off. It's ok that I still love him, and miss him, I may always feel that way, but I don't need to keep letting that situation prevent me from being happy about everything else. It's ok I don't want to date or have any desire to meet people, it'll eventually come back, most likely when someone worthwhile presents themselves and I think that's a good head space to be in. A grand love awaits me, just gotta get better at that whole patience thing...

Do Better

I wrote in that blog yesterday... someone read it within an hour. I wish I knew for sure if it was him... but I'm not sure that would help me in the long run... or maybe it would. To know he's aware of exactly the shit I've been muddling through and yet he still maintains the distance. Why am I so reluctant to accept that he's never coming back? Why do I still have hope? I'm pretty sure it should have sank in by now that I don't mean to him what he means to me. I should definitely want to be with someone who is going to reflect back to me the love that I give. So why do I keep believing that he could be that person?

My sister's friend, we'll call her Venus, did a birth chart reading for me, I'd won a free one, but decided to pay her anyways cuz I can afford it and she's just starting up her business. She basically said she didn't see anything indicating he and I were any type of soulmates and that the lessons we were meant to learn have been learned. I know I learned a lot when we were together the first time, years ago, but I really am unsure what the lesson is this time around. I just feel fucking stupid. Maybe it's the lesson of not jumping in so quickly... I was much more measured when he first came back, but still I just let him right back into my life when his was so obviously in chaos. I wish I could be more grateful that I no longer have the stress from that situation, and always waiting for him to have time for me. I just miss him so damn much and it's infuriating to still be so entangled in this after four fucking years. Venus told me that I literally am blocking all the good that awaits me by holding on to this mess. How do you stifle hope as a hopelessly romantic optimist? Like how am I supposed to go against my very nature? Or is there a way to move forward while never truly losing hope? Can I accept the obvious truth that right now, is not the time for a someday if it even still exists? Like I have no qualms saying that, and believing that. So if that's the case, what should my life look like? Do I date? Do I try to meet other people? Or do I continue focusing on me, and getting my life in order. Do those things actually have to be mutually exclusive?

My French-Canadian lover has apparently booked his trip and will be visiting me in a month. I wonder what will happen in a month... I feel like life sometimes changes very quickly when you least expect it to. I've got a crush for the first time in what feels like forever, on a guy on this Manayunk softball team I decided to randomly join. With my luck, he's probably taken, but perhaps not... but yea met him for a week ago today and excited for our game on Wednesday and he already committed to the fall team, soooo that means I'll potentially get to see him once a week until November, plenty of time to charm someone I guess?

I miss companionship, I miss being in a loving relationship, but I definitely don't feel ready for it. I'm still in love with someone who seems to have been able to forget me quite easily. 

What I deserve

Welp I'm officially trying to no longer write in the blog that He may or may not be sometimes reading. It has been nice to be able to get out my thoughts to him and know that I wasn't burdening him. That if he did indeed see them, it was his choice. But at this rate, it no longer feels healthy and I really do want to have a life that he knows nothing about. But I can't seem to quiet the parts of me that want to know if he misses me, if he thinks of me at all, if this is really what he wants... this whole not being in each others lives.

I'm trying harder to focus on the facts of it all, that whole actions speak louder than words... in all of this, what actions has he taken to show he actually genuinely cares for me? He has said such lovely things to me whenever there's a reconciliation but I've still always been a secret for the most part, I never was a priority. I have never deserved to feel the way that he makes me feel...this feeling of not being enough. Of feeling crazy and stupid for loving him. Someone who loves you shouldn't make you feel like that. Someone who loves should not repeatedly hurt you in the same fashion. Someone who loves you would make sure you knew what you mean to them. Someone who loves you would be in your life. And I deserve someone who loves me.

LOL

LOL I had to make the website be "theultimatemetamorphosis" and I can just hear the judgement in Burdman's voice if I ever told him that haha

New blog, new story, new chapter, new me.

I start a new job tomorrow, I move into a new apartment at the end of the week, I'm joining the elite women's club team, which is new to me as a practice player, and I started seeing a new therapist. I have this feeling that I'm about to put some heavy work into becoming who I truly want to be and living the kind of life that I no longer want to escape from, but want to fully embrace.

This place is for me, to get the thoughts out of my head, to work through things, to revisit and see my progress, to make sure I never forget all that I have overcome the next time life throws a canyon at me.