Things with BDG have progressed quickly in the last week. We hung out one on one on Saturday and have plans for tonight. I'm excited and nervous. I'm finally going to be kissed into the New Year and I feel so conflicted about that... I think there was this part of me that felt like maybe I'd had such bad luck with that because He was supposed to be the one to get that "first"... Just a few weeks ago I thought huh maybe going into 2020 is when that will all finally happen and everything will be on it's way to working out how it's always been meant to work out. Right now though I feel the need to cancel our plans on the 11th, after Saturday night and learning more about BDG, and how the last relationship he was involved in ended with SERIOUS cheating, like she apparently was with seven other dudes and had two secret abortions... yikes... he needs exclusivity to continue moving forward and I want to continue moving forward. I spent the night on Saturday and we didn't sleep together, but definitely had fun and I'm super pumped to take that step with him, I definitely could tell we have the kind of chemistry that gets me addicted. A few weeks ago walking home from the Wine & Spirits looking up at the full moon I thought about something I read that said sometimes you just need to ask the universe as specifically as you can for what you want and I just started calling out all the things I love the most about the men I've loved in my life. I want the friendship and chemistry I have with Him, I want the devotion I had with my Sailor, I want the always laughing easy going-ness of how things were with First everything, I want the thoughtfulness and kindness that Density has always shown me, I want someone to call me out on my bullshit like Burdman does, I just want someone to share my life with and see this world with.
Saturday night fooling around in his bed after he decided we should slow things down he just looked down at me for a minute and then said "You're so beautiful" and all of sudden I felt seen the way He made me feel seen four years ago. I've had other men be smitten with me across the last four years, but I guess until now, I hadn't been mutually interested so that's why nothing ever felt like things did with Him, and perhaps that's why I've been so stuck, because I just hadn't lucked into mutuality again. I love this part of getting to know someone though, where they've already decided they're into who I am as a person and then they find out how much I love sex, they always react like I'm some sort of miracle. Sunday morning with his arms around me feeling so safe and comfortable, I wondered if the universe had delivered what I had asked for. I'm so scared I'm going to be wrong again, I'm so scared that by choosing to see this through, I have to finally give up on Him and what does that ultimately mean?
I don't feel the need to cut Him out entirely like I always believed I would need to do to move on, but I definitely don't think one on one time can maybe ever happen again... I just don't think that pull to Him will ever go away, but I'm so over his indifference...but perhaps I fucked myself over long ago by showing him he could give me nothing and still I would love him. Seeing Him on Christmas was so nice, but I felt myself holding back, especially when he was talking about the day he found out his parents were getting divorced... all I wanted to do was to tell him how much I loved Him and how sad I was for 12 year old him... It seemed like instead of being able to process the news with his sister, his immediate reaction pushed her away and I think it made him feel even more alone. I think I will always wish that He had let me in, but I knew a day would come where I would give up on wanting to be with Him because eventually I would just want someone to want me back... I just don't think I ever thought that change would happen as quickly as it is, but I guess I forgot the pull of mutuality especially when you can feel that it's not just a physical thing. Perhaps He was right, we were never built for a happy ending.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Re-evaluation
I haven't written in a while now and that's probably because I've been able to talk to Him freely and the last time I had too many thoughts I actually got to talk to him on the phone. It was hard trying to explain myself live, but I think I got there and it honestly was so much better than the one sided conversations I would have with myself. We talked about is it really that bad that we're talking. I don't usually keep something like this a secret, but I guess I've realized that things with us tend to implode once others are involved. I never liked feeling like a secret but I realize now that had more to do with feeling like he wasn't proud to be with me and didn't want to incorporate me into his life, which more or less made me feel like I was more invested because I wanted to let him into every aspect of mine. It made me sad that most people would never know what we meant to each other, that there was no proof that there had been love, but I realize now that was really more tied up in how he made me feel crazy when we were dead to each other, made me feel like it hadn't been real and I never wanted to feel that way again, it really didn't have much to do with what other people thought or saw. I don't need anyone else to tell me that my love for him is real for it to be real.
I've been doing so much re-evaluation of my life the last couple of weeks cuz for once I really do like exactly where I'm at, I love my job, I love living alone, I started dating again and meeting all these people and getting to know them and watching them getting to know me it just makes me excited for the future. I've been realizing all these little judgements I made about myself and other people's lives and what "happiness" looked like and just how detrimental to my actual happiness that has all been. I saw blind date guy (BDG) again this past weekend and we had some really blunt and meaningful conversations and it was refreshing. I was sharing some of it with Him and he was kinda dubious if I actually meant any of what I said cuz basically I said I didn't want kids nor do I want to get married. I can understand why he wouldn't believe cuz yes that's definitely different from what I said I wanted just a few months ago, but idk that's kinda the beauty of living a free life, you can change your mind.
But it's not that simple though, cuz it doesn't really feel like I've changed my mind, it just feels like I understand more about what I've actually been after. I just want to love and be loved. The model of that though is often encased in marriage and children but I think what I've really internalized recently is that there are so many other paths. I've always known my twin wasn't going to live a conventional life so I think somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to. And I think always loving babies and being so good with them, and always hearing you'll be a great mother, somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to be one. I think there will always be a part of me that will have the curiosity of what it means to create new life, but I think there's supposed to be more than a curiosity to actually have a fucking baby. When I think about the reality of those things, what comes with all of that, none of it actually seems appealing, none of it feels like it's going to bring to my life what I'm looking for. I don't want to be controlled, I don't want to always have to put a kid ahead of me, I've spent my life putting others ahead of myself and I frankly don't want to anymore. I want to travel and see this world, I want to keep going to concerts and having fun spontaneous experiences, I want to keep having variety in life. Settling down into a routine, same shit day in day out is never what would make me happy, I would fucking suffocate. I think engagement rings and weddings are a fucking waste of money, I'd much rather use that for my student loans haha I think people forcing cohabitation is what leads to most conflicts, about responsibility for cleaning and financial shit and resulting in not getting alone time. Like right now I don't think I even like the idea of moving in with someone else ever again. I don't even know if I need monogamy any more, I've never been a possessive person, and I truly believe love is limitless.
All I ever wanted was someone to share my life with that wouldn't try to change me, or control me, that would listen and be there for me and would let me do the same for them and I would never have to question if I was important to them. I've been excited to see Him on Christmas, it's been rough waiting this long, but since seeing BDG I feel differently and I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps I'm already making room for this guy and truly want to see where it could lead and I'm starting to fear I'm going to do to him what I did to Apricot. At least in this case I do see potential with him, he is a lot like Him but there's no baggage of kids and an ex wife, nor years of hurt that he's caused me. Perhaps Burdman was right when he said "no good will ever come from Him" but maybe even if I don't think I need monogamy, I may never be truly comfortable with the idea having to choose someone over another and potentially hurting someone I love because I've been forced to do that all my life with my parents and it's a painful existence...always knowing that you've disappointed someone. For now I'm gonna operate the way I have before when actively dating, I'm not going to assume exclusivity from them nor be exclusive myself until that conversation is had with whomever I decide is worth that.
I've been doing so much re-evaluation of my life the last couple of weeks cuz for once I really do like exactly where I'm at, I love my job, I love living alone, I started dating again and meeting all these people and getting to know them and watching them getting to know me it just makes me excited for the future. I've been realizing all these little judgements I made about myself and other people's lives and what "happiness" looked like and just how detrimental to my actual happiness that has all been. I saw blind date guy (BDG) again this past weekend and we had some really blunt and meaningful conversations and it was refreshing. I was sharing some of it with Him and he was kinda dubious if I actually meant any of what I said cuz basically I said I didn't want kids nor do I want to get married. I can understand why he wouldn't believe cuz yes that's definitely different from what I said I wanted just a few months ago, but idk that's kinda the beauty of living a free life, you can change your mind.
But it's not that simple though, cuz it doesn't really feel like I've changed my mind, it just feels like I understand more about what I've actually been after. I just want to love and be loved. The model of that though is often encased in marriage and children but I think what I've really internalized recently is that there are so many other paths. I've always known my twin wasn't going to live a conventional life so I think somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to. And I think always loving babies and being so good with them, and always hearing you'll be a great mother, somewhere along the line I decided I was supposed to be one. I think there will always be a part of me that will have the curiosity of what it means to create new life, but I think there's supposed to be more than a curiosity to actually have a fucking baby. When I think about the reality of those things, what comes with all of that, none of it actually seems appealing, none of it feels like it's going to bring to my life what I'm looking for. I don't want to be controlled, I don't want to always have to put a kid ahead of me, I've spent my life putting others ahead of myself and I frankly don't want to anymore. I want to travel and see this world, I want to keep going to concerts and having fun spontaneous experiences, I want to keep having variety in life. Settling down into a routine, same shit day in day out is never what would make me happy, I would fucking suffocate. I think engagement rings and weddings are a fucking waste of money, I'd much rather use that for my student loans haha I think people forcing cohabitation is what leads to most conflicts, about responsibility for cleaning and financial shit and resulting in not getting alone time. Like right now I don't think I even like the idea of moving in with someone else ever again. I don't even know if I need monogamy any more, I've never been a possessive person, and I truly believe love is limitless.
All I ever wanted was someone to share my life with that wouldn't try to change me, or control me, that would listen and be there for me and would let me do the same for them and I would never have to question if I was important to them. I've been excited to see Him on Christmas, it's been rough waiting this long, but since seeing BDG I feel differently and I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps I'm already making room for this guy and truly want to see where it could lead and I'm starting to fear I'm going to do to him what I did to Apricot. At least in this case I do see potential with him, he is a lot like Him but there's no baggage of kids and an ex wife, nor years of hurt that he's caused me. Perhaps Burdman was right when he said "no good will ever come from Him" but maybe even if I don't think I need monogamy, I may never be truly comfortable with the idea having to choose someone over another and potentially hurting someone I love because I've been forced to do that all my life with my parents and it's a painful existence...always knowing that you've disappointed someone. For now I'm gonna operate the way I have before when actively dating, I'm not going to assume exclusivity from them nor be exclusive myself until that conversation is had with whomever I decide is worth that.
Friday, December 7, 2018
More Reasons
I want to reach out to Him so badly today. Most days I do try to avoid things that I know will make me think of Him, and then sometimes, when I know he'll be on my mind anyways, I'll indulge. On the way home from the concert last night I finally decided to listen to "The Dark Side of the Moon" start to finish and holy shit. Like I already knew they were talented af and can play, but this was so much more than that with the curation of the songs and the sampling of real life sounds. There's not too many albums out there that almost feel like one song, but that's how this felt to me, and I unknowingly had it on repeat, so the very first song started to play again and I think that's what really hit me. The album ends the way it starts, with a heart beat, just like fucking life starts with your parents listening to your heartbeat and then it possibly ends surrounded by loved ones watching that monitor for the last beat...And then the first song is just a mess of sounds that actually foreshadow every other song on the album.
Honestly my overall take away is that it's this critique on life in general, and even though it was released in the 70s it's still so fucking relevant. His latest tattoo is a modified version of the cover, which I love even more now after listening to the whole thing. That whole idea that all the colors are all a part of the white light and if you just change the angle of the reflection, ya know just change your perspective, you can see them all. Just feels like they were trying to say yea we may all be in this rat race with all these stupid expectations, and the false god of money, but if you take the time to actually look around you'll see how much more there is to the lives we've been given. It's really hard to pick a favorite song from the album in all honesty, cuz they all just kinda feed off of each other, and I've only listened the once through... but I think maybe it'd be Any Colour You Like. I never did ask Him what the tattoo meant to him... I guess it felt wrong to ask before I'd listened to the album, but also maybe I didn't want more reasons to love him...one of the feeds I follow is about space and celestial events and it notified me yesterday that his birthday this year coincides with a super blood moon which is apparently rare. Basically at 12:12am on the 21st the lunar eclipse will be at its maximum and it's happening during a full moon. Somehow it feels fitting that's how the first day of His next trip around the sun will start. The phrase, the dark side of the moon is actually slightly incorrect, cuz it's not like the moon doesn't spin, all of its "sides" receive sunlight eventually, but it's just perfectly timed with the orbit of Earth that we can never see the "far side" from Earth. It just appears to always be dark because of our limited perspective and I want to believe Pink Floyd knew that.
I finally did have that date with that Woman this past Wednesday, and it was amazing, I haven't felt that carefree in a very long time, I can't wait to see her again. She's got this husky voice that's so sexy, and she's just bursting with life and sexuality. It was a strange experience to feel like the persuer and also so innocent and out of my element. I tactfully got her up to my apartment with a call back to our convo earlier in the day about how if it was too forward of me to ask her to meet my pussy when I possibly want to touch her pussy LOL. After about twenty minutes of being on the floor with the cat she asked to use the restroom and when she came out I was kinda pacing in the middle of my main room and she asks how I'm feeling and I'm like I feel really nervous which makes her laugh and she sits on the ottoman and tells me to sit. So I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor and she asks me what I think and I immediately say I think you're so beautiful, which landed well, and I follow it up with but I don't know what's next. She says well I would like to kiss you, and I say I would like that very much, to which she replies well you've been the persuer so far as she inches herself off the ottoman and towards me on the floor and I'm moving closer as well. And then our lips finally touch and it quickly goes from a kiss to a full makeout session on my floor with me straddling her and putting her hands above her head with some good ole fashioned grinding.
So I can finally say I've kissed a lady, and I did really enjoy the experience, but still feel unsure if I'm sexually attracted to women, or I'm just so intrigued by her and her life. She was telling me all sorts of crazy stuff about BDSM and threesomes, and sex parties. I have a feeling knowing her is gonna crack me wide open. We have another date set for the end of the month, two busy ladies trying to make plans is real fucking difficult haha. Welp I gotta get my butt on the road, I have a blind date tonight that a dear high school friend set up for me... I'm anxious and nervous and can't help but think about how my mother married both of the only blind dates she has been on...
Honestly my overall take away is that it's this critique on life in general, and even though it was released in the 70s it's still so fucking relevant. His latest tattoo is a modified version of the cover, which I love even more now after listening to the whole thing. That whole idea that all the colors are all a part of the white light and if you just change the angle of the reflection, ya know just change your perspective, you can see them all. Just feels like they were trying to say yea we may all be in this rat race with all these stupid expectations, and the false god of money, but if you take the time to actually look around you'll see how much more there is to the lives we've been given. It's really hard to pick a favorite song from the album in all honesty, cuz they all just kinda feed off of each other, and I've only listened the once through... but I think maybe it'd be Any Colour You Like. I never did ask Him what the tattoo meant to him... I guess it felt wrong to ask before I'd listened to the album, but also maybe I didn't want more reasons to love him...one of the feeds I follow is about space and celestial events and it notified me yesterday that his birthday this year coincides with a super blood moon which is apparently rare. Basically at 12:12am on the 21st the lunar eclipse will be at its maximum and it's happening during a full moon. Somehow it feels fitting that's how the first day of His next trip around the sun will start. The phrase, the dark side of the moon is actually slightly incorrect, cuz it's not like the moon doesn't spin, all of its "sides" receive sunlight eventually, but it's just perfectly timed with the orbit of Earth that we can never see the "far side" from Earth. It just appears to always be dark because of our limited perspective and I want to believe Pink Floyd knew that.
I finally did have that date with that Woman this past Wednesday, and it was amazing, I haven't felt that carefree in a very long time, I can't wait to see her again. She's got this husky voice that's so sexy, and she's just bursting with life and sexuality. It was a strange experience to feel like the persuer and also so innocent and out of my element. I tactfully got her up to my apartment with a call back to our convo earlier in the day about how if it was too forward of me to ask her to meet my pussy when I possibly want to touch her pussy LOL. After about twenty minutes of being on the floor with the cat she asked to use the restroom and when she came out I was kinda pacing in the middle of my main room and she asks how I'm feeling and I'm like I feel really nervous which makes her laugh and she sits on the ottoman and tells me to sit. So I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor and she asks me what I think and I immediately say I think you're so beautiful, which landed well, and I follow it up with but I don't know what's next. She says well I would like to kiss you, and I say I would like that very much, to which she replies well you've been the persuer so far as she inches herself off the ottoman and towards me on the floor and I'm moving closer as well. And then our lips finally touch and it quickly goes from a kiss to a full makeout session on my floor with me straddling her and putting her hands above her head with some good ole fashioned grinding.
So I can finally say I've kissed a lady, and I did really enjoy the experience, but still feel unsure if I'm sexually attracted to women, or I'm just so intrigued by her and her life. She was telling me all sorts of crazy stuff about BDSM and threesomes, and sex parties. I have a feeling knowing her is gonna crack me wide open. We have another date set for the end of the month, two busy ladies trying to make plans is real fucking difficult haha. Welp I gotta get my butt on the road, I have a blind date tonight that a dear high school friend set up for me... I'm anxious and nervous and can't help but think about how my mother married both of the only blind dates she has been on...
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
No good...
I want to get to bed but feel the need to quickly write. I finally saw Coco tonight. It was lovely, it made me cry hard. I kept thinking about Him watching this with his girls and knowing why he enjoyed it. Something snapped though as I sat there on my couch crying by myself with the cat on my lap wishing I could talk to Him. I'm just done with the sadness of this. If he doesn't know by now that he wants me like I want Him, he's never going to. I can't keep living with this "someday" floating out there, I will never be able to be fully present in my now if I do. I wanted a life with Him so fucking badly, I really don't think I've ever wanted anything more. But for whatever reason it's just not in the cards in this life. So I blocked him on Facebook, I blocked him on Hangouts, I blocked him on my email and he's still blocked on my phone. It feels good to know I won't see his name randomly pop up anymore. I will do my best to avoid any social activities that he could be at and hopefully by god I will leave this man in the past for once and for all. May 2019 be the year where I finally stop wishing for what is next. Part of me still has no desire to let go, I'm still very much in love with Him and I just hope if I keep focusing on the fact that I shouldn't want someone who is not afraid to lose me, my heart will start to accept what my brain has maybe always known, this man brings me nothing but misery. There is someone out there who will never take me for granted and will want all the things I want out of this life. Please hurry up and get here. I'm no good at this patience thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)