The most selfish thing I've ever done

I've wanted to apologize to his wife for years now... I think when things started up again I hoped eventually I'd get the chance to do it in person even though that'd be scary af... but as I feel myself closing myself off from him and wanting to give things a real try with this frisbee guy... maybe I should write her a letter like I've contemplated.... but it's probably best to try and workout all the things I want to say first... so here goes:

Dear *Wife*,

I hope you'll read this with an open mind... I know I'm probably the last person on earth you'd ever want to hear from and I hope this isn't selfish of me reaching out to you.  Even though the things I've done that have caused you pain in your life are of the unforgivable variety, you still very much deserve an apology. One I've wanted to give for years but never knew how...and then I hoped that maybe I'd get the chance to do so in person, even though that'd be scary as fuck to do... still the right thing to do. But as more time passes the chances of that are feeling slim. 

We don't know each other at all and yet I know we both have made countless assumptions about one another over the years. All I do know is that if I could, if I could go back to 25 year old me and shake some fucking sense into her, to make her see that even though my life was chaos, it was so unfair of me to bring a whirlwind of pain into someone else's life, oh I would do it in a heart beat. The pain my actions caused you, is the very same I witnessed my mother endure in my own childhood. I still don't know how I was capable... how I blatantly succumbed to my own desires regardless of consequence. I didn't really think about you at all, all those years ago, but I wish I had, maybe I wouldn't have done the most selfish thing I've ever done if I had. But oh how much I've thought of you since then. When it all first imploded, I wanted to be you, I wanted your life with him, I don't think I've ever felt jealously like that before or since... I've never been a jealous or possessive person, it's a feeling I don't much enjoy. 

To this day, my father has never apologized to my mother for cheating on her, and then married that woman, making life quite the battle. I didn't have a meal with my mother and father until I was 28 years old... it took me getting a god damn masters. I admire the fuck out of you for how hard you tried to keep your family together. Even though I was jealous, I was rooting for you guys, I would never wish my childhood on anyone else. I just need you to know that what happened, you never deserved it, you never did anything to "cause it", and perhaps now after being unfaithful yourself you can understand how little it actually has to do with what your partner did or didn't do...Sometimes you just need something different to feel "the more" and different does not mean better or worse, it's just different, whatever form that may take. 

I hope you know how much that man loves you, and cares about you, and your well being, and your girls. He has his faults, as all of us do, but he's a good one, you weren't wrong about that. When he popped back into my life two years ago we spent a lot of our time talking about you and your girls and how could he make sure that everyone was happy. He may not always be the best at outwardly expressing how he feels, but he's always thinking about you all, and trying his hardest to ensure you have the life you deserve.  I know he really tried to make things right, and was devastated that it wasn't enough.

When it all started I was drowning in my life after leaving an emotionally abusive alcoholic... and it honestly started with a good friend, just trying to be there for me. He didn't pursue me, the crossing of lines was very much a me thing, something I wish I could undo. He gave me a bubble of happy when everything else was so wrong, I'm not sure I would have come out of all that the person I am now without his support during that, it's confusing to be grateful for something that caused such damage.  

I am deeply sorry my existence has been the root of so much pain in your life, if there was a way to make it right, I hope you believe me when I say I would do anything to make that so. And I'm even more sorry that if for any moment, because of my actions, you ever felt like you were not enough, because no one deserves to feel that way. I hope you find peace in all of this mess, and find your way to a happy life, either with him or someone else, that is filled with love because everyone deserves that.

Why is writing easier...

Yesterday literally marked a week from the last time I saw Him, so how can things feel so drastically different in a week? What has happened to cause this? I feel like it started Saturday night when I asked him who he was getting drinks with and he didn't tell me... and then even though we talked about maybe making time to see each other on Sunday, I didn't hear from him until late in the day. Which made me wonder what did he do Saturday night... did he finally sleep with someone else? I really don't think that bothers me, I just don't like wondering...I could have reached out, but I was in the mindset of if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen, and I don't want to see him if he doesn't want to see me so there's no point in my reaching out. But maybe I was also feeling a little weird about the fact that I'd started the day with another dude's dick in my mouth...

Idk after I didn't get an honest answer about what he was doing when honesty has always been our thing I started hard core flirting with one of the guys on the trip that I had met once before. I wanted the distraction. But then something happened, we actually connected, and it was really nice, and we fooled around but he asked to take things slow...so we didn't sleep together, but slept together and it made me realize it's been a very long time since I woke up next to someone.  Last night he said he's never started a relationship with sex and had it be healthy so he's apparently already considering that things could progress down that route.  We have plans tonight, and we're going to see each other on Friday and then he's traveling for two weeks but already wants to set up plans for when he comes back. Am I focusing on the negative of everything with Him because I need to create distance to be able to try with this new guy?

Why does everything with Him all of a sudden feel meaningless when literally a week ago it didn't...?  I think that convo about traveling with a significant other after he talked about his family trip to Texas has been bouncing around in my head. It made me so clearly feel how much I want someone to travel with... not always, I fucking love my solo adventure trips... but I just don't want to always be alone anymore. Things were hard last fall, but it always felt worth it because I always thought we were building towards our someday, holding out for when things would be better and easier once the dust had settled from his own divorce. Even if things didn't work out, that time always felt like it was worth it because that risk, of it not working out, I mean that's inherent to dating, and I just always felt it in my bones that He was always worth that risk. But now... there's nothing we're working towards, nothing I'm holding out for... I guess I've just been trying to milk the situation for as many memories with Him I could get, but now that there's another "option" someone who does seem to want what I want out of a relationship, it's making things with Him feel like a waste of time.  I know I'm not getting what I truly want out of this situation with Him...but I was genuinely excited to go to pleasure garden with him, and then having fun with P2 and eventually going to her party...so why do I currently feel like I don't want to do any of those things anymore? Well... I don't want to do them with Him feels more accurate. I was sad and in a low yesterday when I wrote, but was I right... have I fallen out of love with him? Have things just become familiar and that's all that it is? I told him during that chat when I was trying to end things to give BDG a chance that he makes it hard for me to believe that he loves me, and he got upset at that, but honestly what has he done in the last year that would lead me to believe that he does?

I wrote last night, I'm writing right now, I obviously need to talk to Him, but I don't even know what to say. I don't want to make him feel bad for not giving me what I need... that's never my intention, but I still need to be honest that I currently don't want to do this anymore and that I'm not sure with where he's currently at, my feelings about that can be changed. 

It Isn't Love Anymore

I don't fully understand what I'm feeling but I think I'm falling out of love with Him. Everything dies if you don't feed it...I guess this was eventually bound to happen? Or does it have more to do with the fact that I'm tired of waiting, and I just want my right now to be what I want and I already know that he can't offer that? Idk I just have been thinking about how I very much do want a partner, someone to share my life with and to travel with and to grow with... have a future with. For the last two months I just keep saying "he's a FWB with no future" and maybe I finally believe that there really isn't a future someday to hold out for, that this is it, this is all it'll ever be, and while I know I love him, and love our time together, it's mostly a relationship that makes me feel lonely, and what is the point of being in a relationship like that? Maybe all this time I've always believed the man who really loved me all those years ago was who he really is, but I haven't seen much of that man in two years now... so perhaps who he is right now is Him, and honestly I don't feel the same way about this man...

I once thought the world of Him, and I still see a lot of the things I admire about Him, how much he loves his girls, and his dog, and how thoughtful he can be like his gift to his wife and how he's always trying to do the right thing, but I think I nailed it back in May. He is the good man that I know him to be, he just isn't a good man to me, at least not anymore, and I really don't feel good about the odds of that ever changing. I guess I thought I could love him enough to bring him back to me, but how can you bring someone back who doesn't want to come back? All I know is that whatever this once was... it doesn't feel like that anymore, I don't feel loved, it doesn't matter that he has said it... and the times that he has said it recently, it always seems to be when I'm trying to pull away, trying to finally accept that this isn't love anymore.

Right now I don't really want to see Him...but I want to hold out for our plans to go to pleasure garden cuz I do think we'd have a lot of fun there, but I'm worried I won't be able to get out of the current mindset I've found myself in. It all just feels meaningless all of a sudden.  I feel like initially, when things became a regular occurrence, even though I knew what was happening didn't really mean anything, that things were not going to progress, it still felt worthwhile to get more time with Him. There were so many days that I wanted to have with Him, so many memories I wanted to make, and I knew that most of them would never happen but maybe I could get some of them, and that would be worth it. But I wanted those memories with someone that I love and who loves me too and I don't think that's what this is... When I used to think of Him all I could ever see was how much fun we would have, how even when it would be hard, we would still be laughing. I don't see anything anymore....god just typing that is making me fucking sob. I don't want this anymore. This doesn't make my heart feel good at all. I think I missed him so much that initially I was just grateful, but now I just have no desire to entertain things in my life that don't make it better. I've worked so hard to escape what I had previously subjected myself to and I don't ever want to feel like I'm in limbo again.

I think maybe after the night we have planned with P2 that'll be it. I'm just breaking my own heart trying to keep Him in my life.