Yesterday literally marked a week from the last time I saw Him, so how can things feel so drastically different in a week? What has happened to cause this? I feel like it started Saturday night when I asked him who he was getting drinks with and he didn't tell me... and then even though we talked about maybe making time to see each other on Sunday, I didn't hear from him until late in the day. Which made me wonder what did he do Saturday night... did he finally sleep with someone else? I really don't think that bothers me, I just don't like wondering...I could have reached out, but I was in the mindset of if he wants to see me, he'll make it happen, and I don't want to see him if he doesn't want to see me so there's no point in my reaching out. But maybe I was also feeling a little weird about the fact that I'd started the day with another dude's dick in my mouth...
Idk after I didn't get an honest answer about what he was doing when honesty has always been our thing I started hard core flirting with one of the guys on the trip that I had met once before. I wanted the distraction. But then something happened, we actually connected, and it was really nice, and we fooled around but he asked to take things slow...so we didn't sleep together, but slept together and it made me realize it's been a very long time since I woke up next to someone. Last night he said he's never started a relationship with sex and had it be healthy so he's apparently already considering that things could progress down that route. We have plans tonight, and we're going to see each other on Friday and then he's traveling for two weeks but already wants to set up plans for when he comes back. Am I focusing on the negative of everything with Him because I need to create distance to be able to try with this new guy?
Why does everything with Him all of a sudden feel meaningless when literally a week ago it didn't...? I think that convo about traveling with a significant other after he talked about his family trip to Texas has been bouncing around in my head. It made me so clearly feel how much I want someone to travel with... not always, I fucking love my solo adventure trips... but I just don't want to always be alone anymore. Things were hard last fall, but it always felt worth it because I always thought we were building towards our someday, holding out for when things would be better and easier once the dust had settled from his own divorce. Even if things didn't work out, that time always felt like it was worth it because that risk, of it not working out, I mean that's inherent to dating, and I just always felt it in my bones that He was always worth that risk. But now... there's nothing we're working towards, nothing I'm holding out for... I guess I've just been trying to milk the situation for as many memories with Him I could get, but now that there's another "option" someone who does seem to want what I want out of a relationship, it's making things with Him feel like a waste of time. I know I'm not getting what I truly want out of this situation with Him...but I was genuinely excited to go to pleasure garden with him, and then having fun with P2 and eventually going to her party...so why do I currently feel like I don't want to do any of those things anymore? Well... I don't want to do them with Him feels more accurate. I was sad and in a low yesterday when I wrote, but was I right... have I fallen out of love with him? Have things just become familiar and that's all that it is? I told him during that chat when I was trying to end things to give BDG a chance that he makes it hard for me to believe that he loves me, and he got upset at that, but honestly what has he done in the last year that would lead me to believe that he does?
I wrote last night, I'm writing right now, I obviously need to talk to Him, but I don't even know what to say. I don't want to make him feel bad for not giving me what I need... that's never my intention, but I still need to be honest that I currently don't want to do this anymore and that I'm not sure with where he's currently at, my feelings about that can be changed.
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