My choice

The day after my last post I ended up telling Him just having fun wasn't enough for me and that if he couldn't even open the door to the possibilities, that I need to just be friends and to do that, I need some space first. I miss Him a lot already...I definitely did let Him become my person again. But I don't feel as sad and I'm sure it's because this time it's my choice... This time I'm trying to walk away from it because it's not what I want. All of a sudden it feels so fucking dumb that I've been giving Him relationship benefits without being in a relationship. Things with the Jew are progressing and I'm excited to see where it goes. I already feel so much lighter, closer to how I felt over the summer when I was on my adventure trip. I feel like I spend enough time away from Him and I eventually get back to a place of higher vibrations, just happy with my life. Every time He has popped back in the last two years he brings me down into this place of limbo and it really sucks there. I don't like the way it makes me feel about myself, I don't like the way it eventually causes me to be so distracted from my life that I start to lose motivation. I haven't felt present in my life for months now, I could only ever be present while I was with Him and that sure as shit isn't healthy.

I'm really going to try this time to be friends, I have no idea how that will go... I'm really skeptical if I can be in his presence and not want to touch Him...I'm trying to give myself some space from Him to decompress from the disappointment and allow myself to focus on what's happening with the Jew. Maybe in a few weeks I'll reach out and test the waters. Feels so ridiculous to be fighting with myself every time I want to talk to Him... I've lost track how many times I've opened our Gchat thread, typed something or screenshotted something to send Him and then didn't. I want to break these habits... I can't give Him all that energy anymore.

I'm sad for sure...and have cried a lot this week, but I feel good about this choice. We get what we accept and I know I want more. I tried to be ok with a FWB situation, but I have always known that would never be what I wanted. I know we love each other, but I need more than that, I want a partner and I wished so badly for it to be Him, but no wishing of mine will ever make Him want to try again. He's the only one who can get himself to that point, and maybe if we're lucky that Someday will happen, but I'm tired of feeling so alone. I'd much prefer to give my time and energy to someone who wants it.